Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a cow for feeling like this?

112 replies

iwouldlikeopinions · 23/11/2008 19:18

Apologies first of all. I am a regular but have namechanged.

DH has a 7yr old dd with his ex partner. We shall call ex-partner R.

R is very much still involved with DH's family and it's starting to make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

For example, during the week it was DH's newphew's birthday and his sister had a small gathering at her house. We asked if we could take DSD and R said that she wanted to take her herself.

So we went and they went and I endured an uncomfortable couple of hrs with R reminiscing about times gone by with all of DH's family.

She often pops round to see DH's mum, even though DH takes DSD to see his mum on his days off.

She regularly facebooks DH's sister saying she's going to pop round, how much she misses them all and she loves them all very much.

I know that she also goes round and spends time with DH's sister and her children also.

Am I being a cow for hating this? I feel like she doesn't respect the fact I am now his wife and that we can take DSD to see this side of the family?

Or should I applaud her efforts and think it's a nice thing that we can all be friends?

OP posts:
DonutMum · 23/11/2008 19:23

Difficult to say if yabu unless you have an inkling of her motives - is she doing it because she can't let go? Does she have a new partner?

I think it's understandable for you to be pissed off - i would hate it, too, but do you feel threatened by it and if so have you thought about why?

hecate · 23/11/2008 19:25

yes. it's nice that you can all be friends. It's better for the child.

You are his wife now, but you can't erase her. She is part of his life and theirs and if they get on, she cannot be expected to disappear. Why should she?

She's no threat to you, is she? They have a child so she is always going to be there, why would you want them to not get on? Who suffers when parents who have split up hate each other or don't want to have anything to do with each other?

He was married before, you have to accept that. It's GOOD that it is amicable. It would not be wise to try to do anything to change that.

And so what if she is friends with his family? It doesn't hurt you in any way, does it?

I think you risk making yourself look bad if you are not careful.

ok. sensible bit over. now.

I hated the fact that my husband was engaged before, so much, that I would not go to any place he went with her, and I made him get rid of the car he had when he was with her. I was so jealous. I wanted him to have lived 34 years in a box until he met me But people have history, they have other people, and you have to deal with that or you will look like a fool.

Original poster
iwouldlikeopinions · 23/11/2008 19:26

I'm not sure why she does it.

She does have a new partner but I don't understand why she feels the need to cling to DH's family so much. She has her own supportive family.

I suppose it annoys me because I am trying to forge relationships with DH's family myself and she's there all the time.

OP posts:
hecate · 23/11/2008 19:27

perhaps she likes them and they are friends. perhaps they enjoy each other's company.

Weegle · 23/11/2008 19:27

I would let it go if you can and everyone is happy and it's not about one upmanship. It's got to be good for the DSD. My cousins who are now 21 and 19 had their parents split up when they were 8 and 6 - the parents remained and worked at being excellent friends and now the mother works with the step mother, they are often at each others houses socially etc - might not suit all but means my cousins grew up with not bitching/fighting and no this family/that family - it was just family and everyone got on with it and was happy.

Original poster
iwouldlikeopinions · 23/11/2008 19:28

I don't want to erase her at all and I'm glad her and DH have an amicable relationship. I just feel a bit shoved out at times.

OP posts:
TheSeriousOne · 23/11/2008 19:28

If she is nice to you and doesn't make a fuss of you being there, I'd say it's fine.

My DH's ex refused to allow DH's mum (DSD's gran) to go and see the kids playing sport last weekend (Gran isn't here very often). She told the kids that SHE wanted to go, but then didn't bother to turn up. COW. The kids were really upset.

Original poster
iwouldlikeopinions · 23/11/2008 19:31

Ok, so general opinion is that I should just grin and bear it.

I also don't want DH to think I'm being a bitch about it.

It just really grates sometimes.

OP posts:
DonutMum · 23/11/2008 19:31

Well, I think you'll just have to grin and bear it. I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do, but would be unreasonable to start expressing it to the family. Take the high ground, there's no other way without looking insecure and paranoid. Maybe things will loosen off throguh time anyway and nothing's really stopping you developing those relationships with DH's family. I really hope you feel better about this soon, don't let it eat away at you.

mumof2andabit · 23/11/2008 19:31

I can see how uncomfortable it is for you and yes I would hate it. Am a very jealous person, like someone else said dh was suppose to live in a box however I love dh's family and get on with them more than my own! I email them, chat to them on the phone etc so god forbid if anything with dh and I were ever to happen I would still keep a good relationship with them. Sucky situation for you though.

mumof2andabit · 23/11/2008 19:31

I can see how uncomfortable it is for you and yes I would hate it. Am a very jealous person, like someone else said dh was suppose to live in a box however I love dh's family and get on with them more than my own! I email them, chat to them on the phone etc so god forbid if anything with dh and I were ever to happen I would still keep a good relationship with them. Sucky situation for you though.

MsPontipine · 23/11/2008 19:34

Your DH made her part of his family by having dsd with her. You can't expect all her branches of the family tree to fall off just because he's now with you.

OlderNotWiser · 23/11/2008 19:34

Just an idea - can you up the family invites to your house for a while...? She wouldn't turn up there too would she? Might help give you some space to form the relationships you want with the in laws.

Original poster
iwouldlikeopinions · 23/11/2008 19:39

Well she did invite herself to our wedding party so she could see all of DH's family.

I let that one slip and kept it buttoned.

OP posts:
noonki · 23/11/2008 19:43

Sorry but I think YABa bit U

Personally I would take it as a good sign, assuming you have an alright relationship with your DH's family, it shows that they are decent.

It is so much better for your DSD that all is amicable. And that could meant that it means your DSD is happier, and therefore easier around you.

The best thing I ever did was make friends with DSS mum. Things weren't great before and now it is much better for all of us.

Uriel · 23/11/2008 19:44

It's understandable that you feel like this. Kudos to you for not showing it to R or dh's family.

Either do as OlderandWiser said and invite dh's family to your house, or go round to theirs when his ex-partner won't be there and build your relationships then.

Personally, I think R is jealous of you. I've had a similar situation where a girlfriend of - oooh, about 2 months - was reminiscing in front of me to my then boyfriend (of a year).

It doesn't feel nice if you're on the receiving end of it and it's more than a little rude, I think.

OlderNotWiser · 23/11/2008 19:46

Does DH know how you feel? How does he see it?

Cupofteaplease · 23/11/2008 19:51

I was on the other side of this situation. Ex p left me when I fell pregnant, but his family remained supportive. He met his now df when I was still pregnant, and as soon as dd1 was born, she made it clear I was not welcome to talk to or spend time with ex p's family. She went on to fall pregnant when dd1 was 10 days old, and of course from then on, she ruled the roost.

I stepped away as I just could not be bothered with the hassle. Now dd1 sees her gp's from his side when she goes to stay with ex p, and if his mother ever sees me out and about she avoids eye contact and crosses the road- all because her talking to me made the new df uncomfortable.

I would like to know about dd1's other family, why shouldn't I? After all, she is part of them. However, I've no idea about any of them anymore, it's been almost 3 years since we spoke.

But if asking the family not to have contact with her makes you feel better about yourself, go for it...

Littleladyloulou · 23/11/2008 19:55

I do NOT think YABU at all.

You are not saying you don't want the relationship to be amicable, just that it seems like R is still behaving like the daughter-in-law when in fact you are.

It is perfectly possible for R to have a pleasant relationship with her DD's father's family (as it is now) without the added extras ie facebooking, popping round all the time etc etc. Why is it only a choice of in-your-face uncomfortable or daggers at dawn with screaming parents??

TBH she does not need to have a close relationship with your DH's family any more. Your DH will ensure that, it doesn't need R to do it as well. She is using the DD to an extent either because she can't bear not being the DIL/SIL any more. But she isn't and that's the fact.

I also think R is jealous of you/jealous that DH has moved on and remarried and is doing her "innocent" best to scupper you forming a close bond with your new in-laws.

Not sure what you can do about it except "pop round" to your in-laws yourself and basically do what this R is doing. Host Sunday lunches where DH collects DD and R is clearly not required. Become that new fab DIL.

It is important that DD sees that you are intergrated and accepted by DH's family, in order for her to respect and accept you.

Littleladyloulou · 23/11/2008 19:55

I do NOT think YABU at all.

You are not saying you don't want the relationship to be amicable, just that it seems like R is still behaving like the daughter-in-law when in fact you are.

It is perfectly possible for R to have a pleasant relationship with her DD's father's family (as it is now) without the added extras ie facebooking, popping round all the time etc etc. Why is it only a choice of in-your-face uncomfortable or daggers at dawn with screaming parents??

TBH she does not need to have a close relationship with your DH's family any more. Your DH will ensure that, it doesn't need R to do it as well. She is using the DD to an extent either because she can't bear not being the DIL/SIL any more. But she isn't and that's the fact.

I also think R is jealous of you/jealous that DH has moved on and remarried and is doing her "innocent" best to scupper you forming a close bond with your new in-laws.

Not sure what you can do about it except "pop round" to your in-laws yourself and basically do what this R is doing. Host Sunday lunches where DH collects DD and R is clearly not required. Become that new fab DIL.

It is important that DD sees that you are intergrated and accepted by DH's family, in order for her to respect and accept you.

Littleladyloulou · 23/11/2008 19:56

Oops

Surfermum · 23/11/2008 19:57

While I can understand how it may make you feele, I wasn't really seeing that she was doing very much wrong until you said she had invited herself to your wedding just to see them. That I think is odd. To invite herself is odd, and to do it in order to see them sounds like an excuse to me - if she wanted to see them she could arrange something herself.

What do the family think of her?

Nappiesgalore · 23/11/2008 20:06

i think yabu.
sounds like it to me.
but tis hard to say without knowing the people and nuances involved etc, obv.
but yeah, on the whole, it sounds like youre being a bit of a pita tbh.
of course, youre not BU to feel the way you do, feelings are not rational imo. but i guess its up to you to deal with whatever the cause is, and get over it imo. be an adult.

hotbot · 23/11/2008 20:09

it is tricky isnt it, however i would put up and shut up = and like the othr posters said have lots of gatherings at your house.
I would also make a big effort with your own family and invite dsd there as well.
In a few years time the children will all get on very well because all the grown-ups have been exactly that - grown up 1
but sympathy for the situation youre in, in cant be easy

hotbot · 23/11/2008 20:13

sorry also assumed that you had chld/ren also.....