Am I a cow for feeling like this?

[iwouldlikeopinions]

Apologies first of all. I am a regular but have namechanged.

DH has a 7yr old dd with his ex partner. We shall call ex-partner R.

R is very much still involved with DH's family and it's starting to make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

For example, during the week it was DH's newphew's birthday and his sister had a small gathering at her house. We asked if we could take DSD and R said that she wanted to take her herself.

So we went and they went and I endured an uncomfortable couple of hrs with R reminiscing about times gone by with all of DH's family.

She often pops round to see DH's mum, even though DH takes DSD to see his mum on his days off.

She regularly facebooks DH's sister saying she's going to pop round, how much she misses them all and she loves them all very much.

I know that she also goes round and spends time with DH's sister and her children also.

Am I being a cow for hating this? I feel like she doesn't respect the fact I am now his wife and that we can take DSD to see this side of the family?

Or should I applaud her efforts and think it's a nice thing that we can all be friends?

I agree with KatieDD. You will come off best if you are sweetness and light!

My uncle was married to my auntie for quite a short time and they had no children. My uncle divorced her and remarried, but my orginal auntie still 20 years later takes a trip to see her ex MIL at Christmas and she always bought my brother and I presents until we were 18. She still send mum and dad postcards when she goes on holiday.

Nobody thinks this is weird (in our family). To us she didn't stop being our Auntie just because our Uncle got another wife.

Wouldn't you check that your children were Ok with their dad re-marrying by talking to them when it was announced?

In the case of the OP though, she says the ex invited herself along so she could see the family - no mention of the child needing her there.

And my experience was that dsd was absolutely fine and had a brilliant time at our wedding. She was used to being with us for long periods of time without her mum, used to going to family weddings and gatherings without her mum. It wasn't anything new for her to be without her mum, and she had no issues about us getting married. And her mum certainly wouldn't have wanted to be there. I guess that's why I'm finding other points of view hard to understand.

My gran always regarded my mum as her real daughter-in-law when my parents split after 26 years of marriage. It was noticeable when Dad died, that it was my mum, and not Dad's new wife, who stepped up to the plate and looked out for Nana and had her to stay.

It was the new wife who was NEVER part of the family....she was the one on sufferance.

I would also add that I have been with dh for 23 years; if we split up, because of something he did, then I would still expect to maintain my relationship with my pils and be invited to stay and speak to them regularly. As ds's mum, I am part of their family. I would also keep my married name and take great pleasure in using it.

Hmm you see my DH was married before and she used to phone his parents every Christmas day, just once a year and that got on my tits so I see where the OP is coming from and my DH left her (not for me I should point out).
Just because it's unreasonable doesn't mean it's unreasonable to think it, just don't say anything

If the new wife had nothing to do with the break up, I think you have to be a bit kind to her scaryteacher! In the case of my friend,mentioned a few posts back,she is regarded as the true DIL, but the marriage broke up before her DH met the new wife so she does step back and keep out of the way. From the point of view of the new wife it would be horrible to have my much loved friend along.

wow, i think the majority of you sound... odd . i just dont get these 'rules' that state an ex has to back out of things, its weird.
my dp's ex is hardly my favourite person (understatement) but for the sake of my dss and ds's, i would welcome her into my home for family occasions. ok, she doesnt want to atm, but that may change.

my parents split when i was 10. i am one of 4. they took 8 years of bitter arguing to settle the divorce, by which time they each got their wish that the other shouldnt get more than they deserved coz they both had f all left. BUT. they never argued over us children, they shared parenting 50:50, birthdays, xmas's, celebrations, illnesses, problems at school, parents evenings... ALL of it was dealt with like ADULTS, and petty arguing over each others love lives never played a part.
it cant have been easy to smile and enjoy an occasion with my dads OW at the first few birthday parties but they GOT ON WITH IT.

that, imo, is how adults behave. or ought to.

scary, why would you keep the name and take great pleasure in using it?
mind you, my dad kept my mums name... (yes, he took hers not the other way round)

Sounds like the Ex's family still make her welcome though.

well I think the correct and polite thing to do is make your own bloody relationships without meddling in those of others.
she gets on with them. whats wrong with that?

donutmum asked a v pertinent q in the first post after the op; WHY do you feel threatened? WHY would any of you feel threatened?
there are children involved. so we adults cannot act like the world revolves around us any more. the Correct and Proper thing to do, would be to suck it down and get on with it. imo.
unless this ex is being rude? nasty? dismissive? unwelcoming? of this new wife... is any of that happening? coz if shes being perfectly Polite and getting on with her life and relationships without harming anyone... i cant see why anyone would have a problem with that.

if you want someone with no baggage, dont marry someone with an ex and kids.

Unless they never liked her in the first place they are bound to make her welcome! It is just unfortunate that she wants to visit at the same time as her ex - it would be much more diplomatic to see them on her own. I think OP most sensible action is to always smile and be friendly.

dont think op is being bad btw, she is allowed to have feelings!

my slightly exasperated tone was with people vehemently stating that this woman ought to back out of the lives of the people she has known and been related to for who-knows-how-long. i realise that op hasnt done anything, and admire you for looking for advice and perspectives before acting on your feelings.
like i say, feelings arent rational.
but you are.
and so i think you'll behave like an adult and rise above the negative impulse to push her out.

just be yourself, be who you are, and be content with that and your 'new family'. im sure you'll make bonds with those you would have anyway, over time. i honestly dont see why this ex's existence is any threat to that.

I still pop in and have a cuppa with my exMIL every week or so - couldn't imagine not doing so ? She wants updates on what her GS gets up to when he's with me and I like to chat about how he's been when she has him (she picks him up from school every Friday and then either I or exH collects him at 6pm depending on whose weekend it is).

To be quite honest, I hadn't even given it a second thought about how exH's new GF might feel about that ? Oops....

Hedgewitch - the ex is still part of the family. She is part of the 'private' gathering and she can talk about whatever she wishes. Whether it is wise, tactful or appropriate to do so is another matter - but neither you nor the op 'own' your other halves. You don't have exclusive rights over them and the rest of the world - exes included - are not compelled to revolve around your wishes.

I don't think she is trying to be your friend. I don't blame you that you would prefer she didn't exist, but she can't disappear for your convenience.

It sounds as though she genuinely is friendly with your husband's sister. If it's a real friendship, entirely possible, there's no reason why it should just disolve.

Her daughter is a cousin of your husband's sister's children.

She had as much right to be there as you.

I'm not saying you have to like it though.

iwouldlikeopinions - There is a reason she is his EX . If I were you, I would try to reassure myself in time of doubt/insecurities, of this fact and remind myself he chose YOU . Would this help?

ps, I don't think she should have gone to your wedding though! That was strange.

This is an interesting dilemma and I can see why the op feels uncomfortable. I am in a stable happy marriage (fingers crossed) so hope I won't have to deal with second marriage etiqutte but perhaps a whole new set of conventions for these circumstances are required so everyone knows where they stand!?

My mum was the second wife of my dad - and we were spared the issues of GP relations as my fathers parent were dead and he did not really get on with the rest of his family. However once the dust of the divorce was settled relations were cordial. We had my half brothers and sisters to stay frequently and I don't really make much distinction between my 'full and half sibs now I love them all. As for first and second wife they are now able to get on so well that my mum looked after Dads first wife when she was recovering from a broken hip (no room at my half sisters).

My Dad died 16 years ago his widows are going strong - they have a shared history and their children are closely related it makes sense to get on though they are not best friends - they do enjoy making the odd dig of course they are only human!

Before i was with my current (hanging on by a very thin thread but i don't want to talk about that) partner, i had a relationship with someone who became very close to my family.

When we split he spent hours on the phone to them, visiting and rallying support. I was the worst cow in the world apparrently and was ostracised from a family wedding so that he could attend and would not feel uncomfortable.

I understand completely where the op is coming from. She has not stated anywhere that she wants the ex to dissapear. Nor has she stated she wants all contact to stop with the ex. Those of you calling her a cow and telling her to grow up etc are way ott.

My ex even now will turn up at close family events and reminisce about the past, he generally stands in a corner somewhere with a martyr like expression and sneaks filthy looks at my partner when he thinks no one is looking.
I have been with my partner for 5 yrs.
He feels exactly like the op does, it is fine for the ex to have a relationship with people he/she cares about and to retain that relationship. It is not fine to turn that relationship into some sort of point scoring suffocating show and tell.
My partner has never wanted the ex to cut all his ties, he would however prefer it if we could go to weddings/funerals/christenings etc and not have the martyr in the corner telling my mother that he misses them all and wishes things weren't so hard.....
They are not hard unless you make them that way.
There comes a point when a relationship ends where you have to accept that things are different and have some consideration for that difference. It doesn't mean that you can't still see and talk to people you care about but it does mean that you need to have some sense of what is appropriate.

I should add my mum lives hundreds of miles away from dads Ex so they are not required to get on too often - but as mum lives a couple of streets away from one of her step daughters so she is in regular contact as a result.

I would feel a bit weird about it but I don't think there is much you can do. She is part of their lives as she is the mother of their GC etc. Although it does appear she likes to spend alot of time with them and one would question her motives, does she REALLY want to see them or is she trying to prove a point?
It does sound a little to me like she is having trouble letting go and maybe feels a tad threatened and jealous that you are the DIL/SIL now and she feels like she has had her nose pushed out.
Like others have said host events at your house so that there is no need for her to be present.