Am I a cow for feeling like this?

[iwouldlikeopinions]

Apologies first of all. I am a regular but have namechanged.

DH has a 7yr old dd with his ex partner. We shall call ex-partner R.

R is very much still involved with DH's family and it's starting to make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

For example, during the week it was DH's newphew's birthday and his sister had a small gathering at her house. We asked if we could take DSD and R said that she wanted to take her herself.

So we went and they went and I endured an uncomfortable couple of hrs with R reminiscing about times gone by with all of DH's family.

She often pops round to see DH's mum, even though DH takes DSD to see his mum on his days off.

She regularly facebooks DH's sister saying she's going to pop round, how much she misses them all and she loves them all very much.

I know that she also goes round and spends time with DH's sister and her children also.

Am I being a cow for hating this? I feel like she doesn't respect the fact I am now his wife and that we can take DSD to see this side of the family?

Or should I applaud her efforts and think it's a nice thing that we can all be friends?

TPHW yes, I would expect to be invited to their parties if I was divorced, as I would still regard myself as part of the family.

I watched my Dad try to airbrush my Mum out of existence for most of my adult life as he had chosen to be with someone else, and try to exclude her from my Nana's life. Unfortunately for him, the women of the family (and I exclude his wife) had more common sense than that and weren't going to play his silly little game. He missed out on seeing my ds as he insisted on his wife being called Grandma, and I didn't allow it.

As for keeping my married name - my maiden name is not one I like, so I'd keep my married one.

she went to the wedding because she was invited though, right?

Thanks for all the replies.

Technically no she wasn't invited, we asked if DSD could come with us to the party and she said no, she wanted to bring her herself, and then stayed drinking and chatting with DH's mum and sister.

I think the reason it annoys me is that a lot of it is done right in front of my face, for example on facebook and in person.

We are expecting a baby together and I think she possibly feels threatened by this.

Her and DH were never married and broke up when DSD was just under a year old so DSD has been used to spending time with DH and his family without her there.

I would like to point out though that I haven't said anything to her about this and wouldn't dream of it. I was just struggling with my feelings towards her behaviour.

I think you are doing the right thing and getting a hard time from some posters. They tend to be putting their personal feelings into it-therefore 1st wives are not very tolerant about the feelings of 2nd wives.
I think she should move on with her life, keep her relationship with your PIL but not go down memory lane in front of you and keep away from family get togethers if DH is there. If she won't you just have to smile and ignore it-I'm sure that it makes you seem the mature person in the long run.
You could host more things at your house where she is not invited.

congratulations on your pg try not let this get you too het up.smile serenely.seethe internally

Every family is so different!

My own parents split up when I was a kid, my mum then had a relationship with my dad's best friend, who she is still with 25 years later and is my wonderful stepfather.

My dad had a very hard time with this but gradually got his life back on track, and met his new partner who he has been with for nearly twenty years and is my much loved stepmum.

But the bit that shocks my friends is that for the last 15 years or so, they have all become very close friends with each other, and for the past few years have all holidayed together! The only reason that my sibs and I sometimes get annoyed about this is that at family events it can feel a bit like we're being sidelined and all they want to do is hang out and chat with each other.

But they are charmingly bonkers hippy throwbacks so probably aren't the norm.

Obviously the OP is NBU to feel how she feels, but would BU to act on her feelings, as it looks as if she's painfully aware.

I am still curious about your wedding and how she ended up inviting herself.

If you feel she is a bit "in your face" then minimise the opportunities she has. Remove her as a friend on facebook so you don't have to see her stuff if it upsets you.

She's not going anywhere, she's your dsd's mum, so I think you need to find a way of dealing with her being around so you aren't upset by what she does. Perhaps you have hit the nail on the head when you say she feels threatened by the fact that you are pregnant. Maybe she feels you are on a more even footing to her now that you will both have a child with your dh and that has unsettled her. Maybe she is worried she will not be so welcome in the family when you have the baby, maybe she is worried that her dd will be affected by the baby's arrival.

Perhaps she perceives you as being the one to change things, that's why you're in the firing line? I used to get it - "everything would be fine if it wasn't for HER" sort of thing. A few years down the line though dh's x told me that I had never done anything wrong, it had all been her "stuff" and her coming to terms with the fact that dh had married me and we were happy.

Perhaps instead of reacting (and I know you don't to her, but you do inwardly) you need to find a way to see things from her perspective, and allow for how she might be feeling? It's what I did and the day I realised "actually this isn't about me" was the day I stopped getting upset at the unfairness of her behaviour towards me. And it paid dividends because she eventually warmed towards me and we have a good relationship now. But I had to wait for her to come to me.

That's a bit of an epic, and maybe I'm way off the mark, but if not I hope that's helpful.

Good post Newspirits

OP what does your husband say about this?

This woman sounds pretty unreasonable if she wouldn't let her daughter go to her own fathers wedding with him.

actually yeah, if shes doing it in a martyry way, a la newspirits ex, then youre right, shes being a pita.
you still have to 'play nice' in order to be the bigger person... but advice to minimise her opportunities to get 'in your face' as it were is sound.
if she is being a twat of course, give her enough rope and she'll hang herself.
sometimes the path of least resistance is actually the best way.

great post surfermum.

OP, sorry if I have missed this earlier on, but what does your DH think of this?