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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a cow for feeling like this?

112 replies

iwouldlikeopinions · 23/11/2008 19:18

Apologies first of all. I am a regular but have namechanged.

DH has a 7yr old dd with his ex partner. We shall call ex-partner R.

R is very much still involved with DH's family and it's starting to make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

For example, during the week it was DH's newphew's birthday and his sister had a small gathering at her house. We asked if we could take DSD and R said that she wanted to take her herself.

So we went and they went and I endured an uncomfortable couple of hrs with R reminiscing about times gone by with all of DH's family.

She often pops round to see DH's mum, even though DH takes DSD to see his mum on his days off.

She regularly facebooks DH's sister saying she's going to pop round, how much she misses them all and she loves them all very much.

I know that she also goes round and spends time with DH's sister and her children also.

Am I being a cow for hating this? I feel like she doesn't respect the fact I am now his wife and that we can take DSD to see this side of the family?

Or should I applaud her efforts and think it's a nice thing that we can all be friends?

OP posts:
macdoodle · 23/11/2008 20:21

Sorry I think you ABVU...and a cow to boot!
I am the ex wife (well seperated at any rate) - my h doesnt have a new partner...yet!
However I love MIL and FIL dearly, I get on well with H closest cousin and his brother - I consider them friends if not family, they are certainly my DD's family!
So you are saying that if H gets a new partner, I am to cut all my ties with people I love and care about (I have known them for 12 years) just so she doesnt feel uncomfortable....well sod that me dear - just get on with it - maybe it doesnt have anything to do with you - maybe they are HER friends - the world does not revolve around you you know

solidgoldbrass · 23/11/2008 20:26

I agree with the posters who say your feelings are not unreasonable, but acting on them would be. It will get easier in time, but she is actually entitled to remain friends with her dd's grandparents and other relatives. You trying to reduce her contact with them will make you look like a paranoid control freak.

ScottishMummy · 23/11/2008 20:28

naturally you feel bitty undermined and envious because they have shared history.but you need to keep it in check

as well as shared past they have a shared future with dd.they are striving to be good mannered cordial parents

hallelujah to that

bottom line is dh is with you not her.something with them didn't work

focus upon your positives.your role.your family

Original poster
iwouldlikeopinions · 23/11/2008 20:31

Macdoodle and Nappies

Thank you for your responses but I would just like to point out I haven't acted on any of these feelings.

I just think as another poster mentioned, it is our responsibility to ensure DSD has a relationship with DH's family and not hers.

OP posts:
Flynnie · 23/11/2008 20:32

It is understandable that you feel the way you do, however it is, as other posters have said, the best thing for the family to still seem united for the sake of the children.

She obviously has a close relationship with the family and that shouldn't end just because she is no longer with your dh.

Macdoodle- how is the op being a cow? She has not made her feelings known to the xw.

Surfermum · 23/11/2008 20:33

Oh I don't think IWLO is being a cow at all. She isn't saying she doesn't want her to have anything to do with them, she's just finding it a bit much that she always seems to be around.

And it can't be easy to sit listening to her reminiscing about the "good old days". That's either very insensitive of her or she's doing it deliberately to wind the IWLO up - and that would be a horrid thing to do.

macdoodle · 23/11/2008 20:37

well she asked if she was being a cow (see title) and IMO she is - I think it is just plain nasty to think that because she is there, the ex wife should just be scrubbed out
And OP why on earth is it YOUR responsibility to ensure DD has a relationship with her GP's, even though H and I are seperated, my MIL has each DD one afternoon a week, she babysits, has keys to my house,and I will often pop in for a chat (about my DD's mainly but also my life, her life, her family some of whom are ill), if she is away I will take FIL meals - I CARE about them, my mum is a fair way away, they are like family to me - my DD! would not undertstand at all if I was suddenly not welcome in their home or they in mine, and her fathers new GF took over!!!
My thoughts my experience, just as valid, surely she posted here expecting different points of view???

skidoodle · 23/11/2008 20:41

I agree with Surfermum an littleladyloulou.

It sounds like there is a very weird dynamic at work here, so any talk of how wonderful it is for things to be amicable is a little off the mark.

It is extremely rude to spend time reminiscing when somebody there doesn't share the memories. In a situation like yours it is very disrespectful to carry on like that - if she were just an innocent friend of the family she would be far more considerate of your feelings as the new wife.

Sorry, but I think you need to talk to your DH about this. It needs to be sorted, but sorted in a way that doesn't make you seem like the paranoid jealous one. That means you need your husband onside and you need to start making social arrangements to which she is not invited and somebody needs to stop this whole bullshit of her inviting herself.

People can only all be friends when everyone behaves like a grown up. That's now what's happening here.

Surfermum · 23/11/2008 20:41

She hasn't said she should be scrubbed out.

Flynnie · 23/11/2008 20:43

Macdoodle. your xh's gf sounds horrible and I can see where you are coming from.

I don't think the op has any intention of acting like that and you have to admit always being there with them, even at the wedding party is a bit ott.

macdoodle · 23/11/2008 20:46

pretty much
am to think that I wont be allowed to be friends with people I love who my DD's love at risk of being accused of playing games or being vindictive, if and when my H has a new partner
I wont be allowed to say to MIL - remember when we took the DD's to Disney (without H) in case she thinks I am being vindictive
Am going to bow out now - this is clearly becoming a bash the ex W thread - as obviosuly we are all nasty cows who want our ex H's back

macdoodle · 23/11/2008 20:47

Flynnie he doesnt have a new Gf ....yet
Was hypothetical situation

Surfermum · 23/11/2008 20:51

So in your hypothetical situation macdoodle, when your exh remarries, would you invite yourself to the wedding?

macdoodle · 23/11/2008 20:53

LOL surfer
Not much chance of that but you never know.....am I allowed to drop DD's off and have a nosy - I wont stay I promise

Cupofteaplease · 23/11/2008 20:54

Macdoodle- as i mentioned earlier in this thread, I stopped contact with ex p's family in order to appease the new gf and keep the peace, for dd's sake. I do sometimes wonder if I should have stood my ground

macdoodle · 23/11/2008 20:56

No one will stop me seeing my ex IL's - I love them they are family to me , I am divorcing H not them !

perty · 23/11/2008 21:01

I find it really odd that she invited herself to your wedding. If that's indicative of the way she plays the relationship then I'm not surprised you find it uncomfortable. Of course she should be allowed to maintain relationships with her ex-ILs if that's what they all want, but it sounds like she's shoving it right in your face and almost making a point of being in control. She should respect that you are the wife and DIL now.

All that said I think I agree there's not much you can do. If you say anything about it you will look bad and that's absolutely not what you want. I think you just have to put your best smile on and work hard at building up good relationships with your ILs for yourself. Make plans with them that don't include her!

Flynnie · 23/11/2008 21:02

Macdoodle(dimwit that I am) I was thinking of CofT's post.

I really do know how you feel I miss my xbil who I have known forever due to family tension.

Surfermum · 23/11/2008 21:03

macdoodle this isn't about you and your ex. No-one is saying that should this happen to you you should have to stop seeing your xil's. And the OP isn't saying that that is what she wants to happen either.

skidoodle · 23/11/2008 21:12

macdoodle when you and your H divorce and your ILs become your exILs and if he has a new wife, surely you would have the consideration for everybody's feelings not to be showing up to parties you weren't invited to and embarrassing people by blatantly using the your past and longer history with the family to make his new wife feel uncomfortable?

That's a shocking way to behave.

Someone who is a comfortable member of the extended family doesn't carry on that way.

You can act in a way that acknowledges the change of circumstances without cutting people off.

Being respectful and nice to new people that join a family is part of being a family member. Even exes who want to stay in touch would do well to remember that.

TheSeriousOne · 23/11/2008 21:20

Agree with Perty... The fact that she came, uninvited, to your wedding and you let it slide says a lot about you and her... And I can see why you would be uncomfortable with that.

MadMarg · 23/11/2008 21:42

I agree with others who have posted,- YANBU for feeling the way you do, but you could be if you acted on it.

You need to concentrate on forging relationships with them - but NEVER bad mouth her to your in-laws. That is a definite no go.

Could you play the divide and conquor game? Choose one member of the family at a time to try to get a little bit closer to? Whether it be the SIL that you invite for a coffee, or MIL who you ask over for lunch or something. Even if the ex is there at the in-law's house, you could focus your attention on a particular person a bit more and get to know more about them individually. Bribery always works too, some brownies or something for FIL? My FIL loves it when I make something especially for him .

MsPontipine · 23/11/2008 21:45

Wouldn't dsd want her mother to be there with her at her dad's wedding to his new wife?? She's only little.

TheSeriousOne · 23/11/2008 21:49

MsPontipine,

My DSDs would come out in hives at the mere suggestion of their mum and dad in the same room.

The only time I've heard my little DSD talk about her 'mum and dad' together was when she was watching Mr and MrS Smith and the couple were taking chunks out of each other.

Not all kids struggle with their parents being together. My DSDs know they are loved by both parents and have no problem with them not being together.

beanieb · 23/11/2008 21:56

Understandable that it makes you feel bad but also understandable that she wants to maintain contact with her nieces and nephews and also wants her to be with her son at thee gatherings. You'll have to grin and bear it IMO - she has a history with her ex's family and her son has a present and future with them.