Am I a cow for feeling like this?

[iwouldlikeopinions]

Apologies first of all. I am a regular but have namechanged.

DH has a 7yr old dd with his ex partner. We shall call ex-partner R.

R is very much still involved with DH's family and it's starting to make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

For example, during the week it was DH's newphew's birthday and his sister had a small gathering at her house. We asked if we could take DSD and R said that she wanted to take her herself.

So we went and they went and I endured an uncomfortable couple of hrs with R reminiscing about times gone by with all of DH's family.

She often pops round to see DH's mum, even though DH takes DSD to see his mum on his days off.

She regularly facebooks DH's sister saying she's going to pop round, how much she misses them all and she loves them all very much.

I know that she also goes round and spends time with DH's sister and her children also.

Am I being a cow for hating this? I feel like she doesn't respect the fact I am now his wife and that we can take DSD to see this side of the family?

Or should I applaud her efforts and think it's a nice thing that we can all be friends?

My dsd was absolutely fine at our wedding without her mum. Why would she want her mum there? Her Dad was there, I was there, her Grandma, Grandad, Auntie, cousins and a room full of relatives, my family and close friends who knew her! Plenty of people to make sure she was OK.

YANBU to feel as you do - not at all .
I do sympathise , can`t quite believe the wedding thing TBH , she seems rather odd to me. Try to ignore and in time she will back off and be around less. Good idea to have events at your home where you can feel more relaxed.
I am a second wife too , I know how hard things can be sometimes.

...... a room full of relatives, family, close friends but no mum

Sorry, I don't understand. Why is that sad?

Am with Surfermum - why is that sad?

My DSDs would HATE it. We've invited DSD's mum to our house next week (it's a bit of a tradition) and DSD's hate it. DSD1 would prefer she didn't come (she still might not, she often cancels at last minute). DSD2 will just disappear for the whole time.

MsPontipine, I'm sorry to say, but I think you are putting YOUR feelings way ahead of your childs.

Why shouldn't she go to family gatherings? When you've been with someone for years and been a part of that family, growing to love and care for those people, why should you stop being involved? My ex is still invited to family events and rightly so, he built a relationship with my family and I see no reason why that should stop. If he feels uncomfortable when I take my partner then he has the choice not to go, but that's his choice.

Eh? What? I haven't even mentioned my ds. This little girl was 7 or younger, only right her mum's there.

My dsd was 4 when we got married.

I still don't understand. Why would she need her mum there?

WHAT?

If parents are divorced the DCs have to get used to seeing their father without their mother. The mother doesn't need to be there.
It is difficult because you can't just cut yourself off from a whole family, especially if you have grown fond of them.
However difficult it is I think you need to be generous, and just make a relationship in your own right.

maybe she would want her mum there?
while not all children suffer because their parents are not together, the parent re-marrying can be a very hard thing to accept. I was 21 when my mum re-married and was too hurt to attend.

YANBU at all for feeling this. I have similar with DHs ex girlfriend (no children). She is still right in wit all his family and MIL even sent her pictures of our DSs. His cousins call her sis, so does my siser in law who met her once just a year ago. Well done for being so good about it, I have to say if an ex turned up atmy wedding I am not sureI could let it slide

How long were your DH and DSD's mum together iwouldlikeopinions ?

Absolutely what PillockOfTheCommunity said.

I'm sure it's tough for you to have her there, but it's probably tough for her too.

Oh yes much more convenient if "the ex-wife" is out of the picture. Whyever would she need her mum if she has a new stepmum to bond with?

And remember how you are expecting your dh's family to treat her will be the manner in which they will treat you if heaven forbid you should ever split up from your dh.

YABU and yes I think you're being a cow. Just get over yourself.

Your dh was with this woman for some time, they had a child together, she became part of his family. That still stands. As a mother her child's welfare is her primary concern and if my dh was marrying somebody else - I would want to check my dds were ok with that by being there.

I'm sorry but you come across to me as very spoilt - you get the man, you're happy to take on the child but you don't want there to be any history, any messy bits, any complicated relationships. Well life isn't perfect so just deal with the fact that you don't just have to have a relationship with your dsd. You have to have a relationship with her mother too and she isn't going to fade into the background because you're insecure about this. Get a grip.

I think it is very understandable that the ex keeps her relationship with DH's family but it would be much kinder and more tactful for her to avoid joining the gatherings with the new wife-everyone needs to move on. The relationship can stay but needs to be different.
I have a friend who is on her own with DS, heR XH has remarried. My friend has known his parents since she was at school and is part of the family, she goes on holiday with his sister-HOWEVER she doesn't go to gatherings where her XH is going to be with his DW. She has her own place in their affections, and it is not with her XH.

She'll get bored and back off, especially as the child needs taking to things less and less.
Hang on in there and remain sweetness and light and it'll run it's course.