to encourage my 16 year old babysitter to shag her equally 16 year old boyf?

[misshardbroom]

I have a sometime babysitter who is 16 and in year 12 or Lower Sixth or whatever. I don't leave my children with her at night, she just occasionally covers an hour and a half for me on a Saturday between DH going out to coach rugby on a Saturday and me getting in from work. She's a very young 16 in a lot of ways, not very streetwise really but very respectable and sensible.

Anyway, she has been seeing her boyfriend for about 8 weeks, I don't know him but he sounds OK and she really likes him.

This afternoon she texted me as I was leaving work and said would I be able to pick up some form of sanitary towels for her on my way in as she had come 'on' and didn't have anything. I told her to help herself from the bathroom but I only keep Tampax in and she doesn't use them so of course I said yes I would. Then she texted back and said would I also be able to get her some condoms.

I got them for her because I figured that if she's sleeping with her boyfriend then it's better she has the wherewithal to do it safely. And she's 16, as is he, so the entire thing is legal, if perhaps less than ideal.

However, I'm a bit uncomfortable about it because I don't know how I'd feel if in 10 years or so, someone was buying my teenage daughter condoms.

I don't really know her mum (i.e. definitely not in a position to say 'hello, do you know your daughter is having sex?'), but although my babysitter sees me as her friend, her mum is only 40 so just a few years older than I am myself.

But then, would it be worse to say no, and then her go ahead and sleep with him anyway and end up pg or with chlamydia or other nasties?

what would you have done?

[Dottoressa]

Nice post, Dittany...

We seem to have moved from 'sex is terrible/dirty/horrible' to 'sex is so brilliant that everyone should be doing it all the time, regardless of their age/maturity/niceness of partner/emotional state at the time'.

Surely there's an in-between way that acknowledges that some - not all!! - teenagers will have sex, and that if they want to, they need to be aware of the emotional aspects as well as the practical/physical ones. Providing condoms on request is acknowledging the physical side, but is doing nothing for the (equally important) emotional side of it.

Many girls who have sex at 16 (or earlier) do come to regret it, and wish they'd waited longer. Who's to know that the OP's babysitter won't be one of them?

If you really must provide condoms, then fair enough - but safe sex should surely involve the psychological aspects of it as well?

[babygrosandgros]

No one said 'lets have an orgy' Dot.

I have been saying for ages that we should explain to young girls that sex is better once in a loving relationship.

And even if they regret it later, that is called hindsight. It happens after the event unfortunatly and as such will not stop many young girls rushing to lose their virginity.

And Dittany if I could be arsed I could google and find stats that show the polar opposite of the ones you provided. Stats should never be relied on to prove a point.

[blunt]

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[Dottoressa]

Not really backtracking. I am just feeling a bit less cross about it all. Though if I imagine another mother providing condoms for my DD, I would be absolutely fuming.

I wonder if there is an age-related thing going on? I am mid-30s, FWIW.

(FWI also W, I find the talk about getting heads out of arses to be crude and unimaginative).

Some posters on here seem to think they have the whole sex ed thing sussed. However, I think we will all find it tricky for one reason or another. I may be shocked if my DCs are sexually active at 16; other parents may find that their DCs are offended and insulted by their assumption that they need condoms just because "it's what teens do".

Sex ed is really not much different from anything else to do with parenting (which, to my mind, is another reason not to provide condoms for the BS. My house, my 'rules'). There's no 'right' way; we all have to do it in the way that suits our own moral/religious/philosophical/practical needs, and hope that it all works out ok in the end...

[Dottoressa]

Oh, and I forgot...

I was thinking about this earlier, with specific reference to 16 as the age of consent. When I was at school, there was a race to have sex on your 16th b'day as you were now "legal" (and we're talking posh fee-paying school here, where anything less than Oxbridge law/medicine/engineering was regarded as failure). I have no idea what the solution to that would be, though (lower it to 13, or raise it to 21?!)

[Dottoressa]

Actually, I am cross!

"WISE UP FOLKS - THERE IS A REASON WE HAVE THE HIGHEST TEENAGE PREGANACY RATE "

Yes - because we're so obsessed with sex and keep banging on about how everyone should be doing it all the time!!

[blunt]

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[Dottoressa]

Blunt - I don't think that's what dittany is doing at all. I think the whole discussion about sex and sex education is not only interesting but highly relevant to the topic of a 16-y-o wanting her neighbour to supply condoms.

For all we know, the babysitter is being pressurised by her bf (whom she's not known long), and wanted the OP to say: "are you sure you really want to have sex at your age?" If that's what she wanted, then the provision of condoms could well just make her feel more pressurised into having sex. After all, if an adult will cheerfully provide condoms, that might give an unsure teenager the idea that she really shouldn't be worrying about it at all, and that having sex is just like having a period - something that happens without any thought or concern).

Or are we all supposed to toe the line and applaud the OP unreservedly, without trying to discuss all the other related issues that might be involved in teenagers having sex?

[Dottoressa]

cross-post, Dittany. I couldn't agree more with your last sentence!

[GreenMonkies]

"I'd say that celeb magazines (and many women's magazines - and the likes of Nuts) are partly responsible for this sexually dysfunctional culture. The message that is given out, subtly or not-so-subtly, is that sex is everything: that all that matters to girls and women is being sexually attractive and available. You only count for anything if you are 'up for it'. I thought it was bad enough being a teenager 20 years ago. I would really not like to be one now!"

I do agree with you on this. We do sexualise our children far too young, the clothes in high street chidrens shops are far too "old" for little girls, and often make them look like child-whores.

But, teenage boys will almost always pressurise teenage girls to have sex, it's a biological urge as well as a peer pressure issue, it was like this when I was 16 (24 years ago) and I'm sure it's still like this now, and will be in 11/14 years when my DD's are 16. I hope I will have given my DD's enough self-esteem and confidence, along with a good basic knowledge of the biology and emotions of love and sex, to be able to say no when they don't want to and yes only when they mean it. I also hope they will be able to ask me for help with aquiring condoms etc. But only time will tell I guess!

off to book places in isolated convent for DD's

[GreenMonkies]

(oops, accidental, bizzarre non-functioning link in previous post!!)

[scaredoflove]

The best thing we can do is to be open and honest about sex with our children, starting as children, all the way through to young adults

Sex should never be seen as naughty or bad, all stigmas should be removed and this thread has shocked me, as so many mothers seem to want to hide from it

Teach our children that sex is a good thing between 2 people, whether in love or in lust. Teach them that the best sex comes from 2 people knowing each other really well and trust prob the most important thing. Let them know sexual feelings are totally normal and they can act on them or not and that is their choice. Educate them on STDs and protected sex and how to get that protection. The more they know the better imo

We have discussed all things sexual, from feelings to masturbation to sex. I am currently the mother of 18 and 19 year old virgins, both very happy in relationships, they are happy in themselves and confident that right now, they don't need sex. If they did, I would support them by helping them with contraception and would have whatever age they decided it was their time for sex.

I haven't just discussed the mechanics with them, we have covered all sex and I am confident they would speak to me, if they had questions. I have recently had a good chat with my son, explaining that girls need gentleness and kindness and he must always respect them (knowing he has had a look at porn) I told him porn is fantasy and nothing like real sex. I know he knows about condoms as he uses them for masturbation and I buy them for him (my suggestion, didn't want to pick up dirty tissues/sock/towells

Take the mystique away, don't let it be taboo, give our kids the full facts and never shy away from it.

Prudishness should be stopped!

[Dottoressa]

Scaredoflove - what a lovely post. I hope I will be able to write similar when my DCs are that age!

[blunt]

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[Dottoressa]

So we do agree on something, nuttytaff and blunt!

[blunt]

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[Dottoressa]

Thank you, Nuttytaff.

Blunt - I think you are being (deliberately?) obtuse.

I think there's a world of difference between Scaredoflove's post and its humane, sensible, subtle tone (which is presumably reflected in all her dealings with her DCs), and the idea of the OP providing condoms 'on tap' for a 16-y-o who is a) not her own child, and b) with whom she has had no further discussion about what is involved in being in a (sexual) relationship.

[nooka]

I wouldn't really like someone else buying condoms for my son or daughter when they hit 16. But in truth what difference does it make whether they buy them themselves or ask someone else to? It is my parental responsibility to bring up my children in such a way that they have enough fortitude to be able to make decisions for themselves about when to have sex, and to have a good enough relationship with me, their dad, or another adult (and I would hope that our circle of friends and family would supply them with enough adults for them to have someone they could trust should they feel they want independent advice) to talk through any difficulties they face. For me I would hope that my kids waited a little longer than 16, but I guess I think that ones first sexual experiences are always worse than those several years later, because sex, as with many things gets better with practice.

At 16 they can legally go into any chemist and purchase condoms with no advice or questions asked, in the same way as they could buy sanitary products. They are not bypassing any systems here, and we don't know that this girl was embarrassed, she may just have thought it would be convenient. In any case many posters have said they are still embarrassed about buying condoms, which tells me that many of us, regardless of age, don't really like advertising that we are having sex. That doesn't mean that we are all too immature to be having sex does it?

[scaredoflove]

Even though I believe my kids would come to me, if they went elsewhere, I would be happy. I would prefer them safe than taking risks through fear of asking for help.

My eldest two are happy discussing sex and relationships with me right now, that could change. My son is not as comfortable but I still talk (best place is in the car, not face to face and captive! ) If he felt the need to go to someone else, so be it, I just want them as safe as possible