to encourage my 16 year old babysitter to shag her equally 16 year old boyf?

[misshardbroom]

I have a sometime babysitter who is 16 and in year 12 or Lower Sixth or whatever. I don't leave my children with her at night, she just occasionally covers an hour and a half for me on a Saturday between DH going out to coach rugby on a Saturday and me getting in from work. She's a very young 16 in a lot of ways, not very streetwise really but very respectable and sensible.

Anyway, she has been seeing her boyfriend for about 8 weeks, I don't know him but he sounds OK and she really likes him.

This afternoon she texted me as I was leaving work and said would I be able to pick up some form of sanitary towels for her on my way in as she had come 'on' and didn't have anything. I told her to help herself from the bathroom but I only keep Tampax in and she doesn't use them so of course I said yes I would. Then she texted back and said would I also be able to get her some condoms.

I got them for her because I figured that if she's sleeping with her boyfriend then it's better she has the wherewithal to do it safely. And she's 16, as is he, so the entire thing is legal, if perhaps less than ideal.

However, I'm a bit uncomfortable about it because I don't know how I'd feel if in 10 years or so, someone was buying my teenage daughter condoms.

I don't really know her mum (i.e. definitely not in a position to say 'hello, do you know your daughter is having sex?'), but although my babysitter sees me as her friend, her mum is only 40 so just a few years older than I am myself.

But then, would it be worse to say no, and then her go ahead and sleep with him anyway and end up pg or with chlamydia or other nasties?

what would you have done?

[gagamama]

Maybe her boyfriend sent the text from her phone. That's the sort of thing my arsewipe boyfriend at 16 would've done to coax me into bed..."oh look, your trusted older friend has just given you some condoms, she obviously thinks we should be having sex now!"

How embarassed did she look when you gave them to her? Did she look embarassed that you'd bought her a random box of condoms or just that she'd asked.

It's unlikely, but still...

(For the record, I'd have bought them too, but the smallest packet and the most unstimulating, extra safe ones available).

[Kitteh]

I think that sometimes its really embarassing for 16 year olds to buy condoms, sometimes even older.. i know my friend is 21 and shes still embarassed.
I think if you hadnt of bought her the condoms she may have gone ahead of just had unprotected sex, and therefore you have protected her against doing that.. maybe she doesnt feel close enough to her mum in order to ask her.

[Daisy15]

I wouldn't say encourage her to have sex. I'm a walking talking result of been encouraged to have sex. Of course i am greatful in some way because then i wouldn't have my wonderful daughter.

I'm 15 and had my girl in August. I think sex used to be viewed differently to how it is now because it's an easy subject to talk about, it isn't anything unusual to talk to people you barely know about it.

Don't assume your baby sitter hasn't had sex before, just the first time with her current boyfriend.

[purpleduck]

skimmed thread

Talk to her. Maybe she needs someone to discuss this all with.

[Dottoressa]

MHB - true, hun xxxxx

[Blondeshavemorefun]

excalty nooka

i think the 16yr was mature by asking - as long as she uses/uesd condoma - then doesnt matter who brought them for her

would it be irresponsible for the girl to ask her mum,as tech then she still isnt sorting out contraception herself or are people saying this, AS she asked another adult

as i said if i had asked my mum for condoms/told her i was having sex - she would have freaked

[misshardbroom]

No offence taken, Dottoressa, if I'd wanted unconditional endorsement and hand-holding then I could have posted on Netmums

[nooka]

But is saying to someone who you know is going to a chemist could you pick me up some condoms an abdication of responsibility? Is it irresponsible of me to ask dh to pick up tampons, or a prescription. Why do we think of condoms as being so different? I think it is because we have an underlying feeling that sex is a bad (or at least not to be talked about) thing (especially for a young girl). Maybe that's one of the reasons that young people often do not buy or wear condoms.

[ScottishMummy]

knowing there is a likliehood of sex and having inadequate protection is immature and irresponsible

one cannot resign responsibility for your own contraception and expect someone else to sort it out

[Blondeshavemorefun]

for those who have said the girl should be responsible for sorting her own condoms out, if she is mature enough to have sex, she is mature enought to buy her own etc

i personally think the girl is being responsible by getting some condoms, it doesnt matter how she got them,whether the fact she brought them, or asked someone else to buy them its the fact she did get some, and therefore is being mature and sensible

[Dottoressa]

Fair point, Mhb!

(And I hope you haven't taken any of the broader discussion personally - it's all very well to pontificate, but goodness only knows what I'd do in practice if put in your situation...)

[misshardbroom]

Dottoressa - just to clarify... I have, once, been put on the spot and bought this girl one pack of three condoms. Whilst I understand the point you're making, I'm not sure I'd define it as providing condoms 'on tap'.

[scaredoflove]

Even though I believe my kids would come to me, if they went elsewhere, I would be happy. I would prefer them safe than taking risks through fear of asking for help.

My eldest two are happy discussing sex and relationships with me right now, that could change. My son is not as comfortable but I still talk (best place is in the car, not face to face and captive! ) If he felt the need to go to someone else, so be it, I just want them as safe as possible

[nooka]

I wouldn't really like someone else buying condoms for my son or daughter when they hit 16. But in truth what difference does it make whether they buy them themselves or ask someone else to? It is my parental responsibility to bring up my children in such a way that they have enough fortitude to be able to make decisions for themselves about when to have sex, and to have a good enough relationship with me, their dad, or another adult (and I would hope that our circle of friends and family would supply them with enough adults for them to have someone they could trust should they feel they want independent advice) to talk through any difficulties they face. For me I would hope that my kids waited a little longer than 16, but I guess I think that ones first sexual experiences are always worse than those several years later, because sex, as with many things gets better with practice.

At 16 they can legally go into any chemist and purchase condoms with no advice or questions asked, in the same way as they could buy sanitary products. They are not bypassing any systems here, and we don't know that this girl was embarrassed, she may just have thought it would be convenient. In any case many posters have said they are still embarrassed about buying condoms, which tells me that many of us, regardless of age, don't really like advertising that we are having sex. That doesn't mean that we are all too immature to be having sex does it?

[Dottoressa]

Thank you, Nuttytaff.

Blunt - I think you are being (deliberately?) obtuse.

I think there's a world of difference between Scaredoflove's post and its humane, sensible, subtle tone (which is presumably reflected in all her dealings with her DCs), and the idea of the OP providing condoms 'on tap' for a 16-y-o who is a) not her own child, and b) with whom she has had no further discussion about what is involved in being in a (sexual) relationship.

[blunt]

Message deleted

[Dottoressa]

So we do agree on something, nuttytaff and blunt!

[blunt]

Message deleted

[Dottoressa]

Scaredoflove - what a lovely post. I hope I will be able to write similar when my DCs are that age!

[scaredoflove]

The best thing we can do is to be open and honest about sex with our children, starting as children, all the way through to young adults

Sex should never be seen as naughty or bad, all stigmas should be removed and this thread has shocked me, as so many mothers seem to want to hide from it

Teach our children that sex is a good thing between 2 people, whether in love or in lust. Teach them that the best sex comes from 2 people knowing each other really well and trust prob the most important thing. Let them know sexual feelings are totally normal and they can act on them or not and that is their choice. Educate them on STDs and protected sex and how to get that protection. The more they know the better imo

We have discussed all things sexual, from feelings to masturbation to sex. I am currently the mother of 18 and 19 year old virgins, both very happy in relationships, they are happy in themselves and confident that right now, they don't need sex. If they did, I would support them by helping them with contraception and would have whatever age they decided it was their time for sex.

I haven't just discussed the mechanics with them, we have covered all sex and I am confident they would speak to me, if they had questions. I have recently had a good chat with my son, explaining that girls need gentleness and kindness and he must always respect them (knowing he has had a look at porn) I told him porn is fantasy and nothing like real sex. I know he knows about condoms as he uses them for masturbation and I buy them for him (my suggestion, didn't want to pick up dirty tissues/sock/towells

Take the mystique away, don't let it be taboo, give our kids the full facts and never shy away from it.

Prudishness should be stopped!

[GreenMonkies]

(oops, accidental, bizzarre non-functioning link in previous post!!)

[GreenMonkies]

"I'd say that celeb magazines (and many women's magazines - and the likes of Nuts) are partly responsible for this sexually dysfunctional culture. The message that is given out, subtly or not-so-subtly, is that sex is everything: that all that matters to girls and women is being sexually attractive and available. You only count for anything if you are 'up for it'. I thought it was bad enough being a teenager 20 years ago. I would really not like to be one now!"

I do agree with you on this. We do sexualise our children far too young, the clothes in high street chidrens shops are far too "old" for little girls, and often make them look like child-whores.

But, teenage boys will almost always pressurise teenage girls to have sex, it's a biological urge as well as a peer pressure issue, it was like this when I was 16 (24 years ago) and I'm sure it's still like this now, and will be in 11/14 years when my DD's are 16. I hope I will have given my DD's enough self-esteem and confidence, along with a good basic knowledge of the biology and emotions of love and sex, to be able to say no when they don't want to and yes only when they mean it. I also hope they will be able to ask me for help with aquiring condoms etc. But only time will tell I guess!

off to book places in isolated convent for DD's

[Dottoressa]

cross-post, Dittany. I couldn't agree more with your last sentence!