to encourage my 16 year old babysitter to shag her equally 16 year old boyf?

[misshardbroom]

I have a sometime babysitter who is 16 and in year 12 or Lower Sixth or whatever. I don't leave my children with her at night, she just occasionally covers an hour and a half for me on a Saturday between DH going out to coach rugby on a Saturday and me getting in from work. She's a very young 16 in a lot of ways, not very streetwise really but very respectable and sensible.

Anyway, she has been seeing her boyfriend for about 8 weeks, I don't know him but he sounds OK and she really likes him.

This afternoon she texted me as I was leaving work and said would I be able to pick up some form of sanitary towels for her on my way in as she had come 'on' and didn't have anything. I told her to help herself from the bathroom but I only keep Tampax in and she doesn't use them so of course I said yes I would. Then she texted back and said would I also be able to get her some condoms.

I got them for her because I figured that if she's sleeping with her boyfriend then it's better she has the wherewithal to do it safely. And she's 16, as is he, so the entire thing is legal, if perhaps less than ideal.

However, I'm a bit uncomfortable about it because I don't know how I'd feel if in 10 years or so, someone was buying my teenage daughter condoms.

I don't really know her mum (i.e. definitely not in a position to say 'hello, do you know your daughter is having sex?'), but although my babysitter sees me as her friend, her mum is only 40 so just a few years older than I am myself.

But then, would it be worse to say no, and then her go ahead and sleep with him anyway and end up pg or with chlamydia or other nasties?

what would you have done?

[luckylady74]

solidgoldbrass - excellent post
I wish I was as ease about this sort of thing. I would have died of embarassment at the idea of someone involving me in purchasing their contraception - I will try very hard to not be a prude when it comes to my own children.

[babygrosandgros]

Its not about being a prude, its about being realistic and living in the real world - which I dont think some of the posters on here do

[MegBusset]

SGB talks a lot of sense (as always).

[Dottoressa]

No, the cannabis analogy isn't good - but I find it frustrating that I seem to be the only person in the universe who's prepared to say that I would not be keen to encourage a 16-y-o to have sex (and I would see it as encouraging her if I were to provide the contraception).

Babygros - of course that's not what I'm saying. I also find this wilful misunderstanding of my pov frustrating. What I am saying is that many people seem to be congratulating the OP on potentially having saved this girl from pregnancy/STDs, when very few people seem concerned about the potential emotional consequences of sex at this age. There may of course be none - but how would any of us know that?

Of course some teenagers will be dead set on having sex. In that case, though, I'd direct them to someone better able to provide contraception than me!

Surely the girl wasn't about to use the condoms then and there on the OP's return?! Given that she presumably wasn't, couldn't the OP recommend that she wait for a day or so and go to a clinic, where she would get both sympathetic (expert) advice, confidentiality, and contraception?

Maybe I'd be a complete chicken if I were in that situation. Then I'd have to tell her they'd sold out of condoms!!

[solidgoldbrass]

DOtoressa: the emotional consequences of sex are often happiness, satisfaction and raised self-esteem. Sex is nice. (If it isn;t, you're doing it wrong). While all teenagers should be encouraged to understand that other people are not entitled to demand sex from them or pressurise them, and that practising safer sex is very important, any sex education programme that is going to do any good has to have at its centre the understanding that sex is good, enjoyable, and not something to be afraid of - but that if you are not interested in it then that's fine, too.
There is still this unfortunate attitude that virtuous people have as little sex as possible and that the more sex you have, the worse a person you are.

[OrmIrian]

Also I suspect that expecting a 16yr old not to have sex is like asking someone who has a new bike not to ride on it . New toy syndrome. And assuming that they have some understanding of the emotional consequences of it, practice safe sex and show each other respect, why not?

I do wonder if so many of the vile attitudes that young men seem to have about young women - ie they have to be up for it of they are freaks but conversely slags if they are would dissipate if sex was treated as something normal and to be expected. The fact that it's dirty and a little forbidden makes it all so much more complicated and damaging than it has to be.

[nooka]

I don't think providing condoms is the same as encouraging sex at all. I know a few families who decided to put condoms into their family medicine cupboard "just in case" when their teenagers reached 16 or so, and let the kids know they could help themselves. The kids in question were not amongst those who started to have sex earlier. In the same way sex education (good sex education, about relationships and self esteem as well as protection) has been shown to delay the start of sexual experiences.

I too would hope that neither my son or daughter were starting their sex life at 16, because I think that life is complicated enough at that age without having serious relationships. But it's not the end of the world. I had sex at 18, but more because the opportunity didn't arise before then, rather than any "goodness" or maturity on my behalf!

[ShyBaby]

Dottoressa, I dont agree.

I would still be embarrassed now having to buy condoms. Does that mean im not ready for sex at age 30? (tells two dc to stop fighting).

At age 13 I was too embarrassed to buy my own sanitary pads...should they have been witheld from me until I was adult enough to get them myself?

I personally think the babysitter in question was showing maturity actually wanting to use condoms...because many teenagers dont bother. Sad but true.

[GreenMonkies]

Well, my niece was babysitting for me when she was 16, she's very responsible and I had no problems with leaving my two with her (and one of her friends) for a few hours whilst we were out.

As for a 16 year old wanting condoms, I think theres nothing wrong with that either. If she were my niece/babysitter I'd tell her I thought it was great that she was being so responsible and protecting herself, and mention that condoms are free at family planning clinics if she wants to save herself some cash! But as she's only been seeing this boyfriend for about 8 weeks I might express surprise that they were so serious so soon and tell her if she ever needs to talk about any of this stuff my door is always open.

16 is the legal age of consent, it's not as if her boyfriend is a lot older than her or anything so really she's being very sensible about it all.

[ShyBaby]

Well I cant imagine either of my "babies" ever having sex (the thought of that repulses me, but I realise that is my problem) One day they will and I hope they will be sensible about it.

Ive already drummed it into ds that whatever he does, if he doesn't want a baby then he better be damn sure to sort his own contraception out because its a coward who walks away from a situation he had a part in.

I'd buy him condoms if I had to. I'd rather that than him coming home one night telling me his gf is pregnant. [shudder]

I hope im the kind of mum he can talk to when he starts to feel the urge. I hope I can advise him rather than tell him he's too young (because lets face it, they will do it anyway). 16 is legal, im not looking to alienate my boy when he reaches that age.

[RustyBear]

ShyBaby - when they do reach 16, the thought of you still having sex will repulse them far more....

[Dottoressa]

I think we all want to be the kind of mum our DCs can talk to when they 'feel the urge'. Whether it works out that way may be a different matter!

I had (and have) a superb relationship with my mum - but I did not tell her when I lost my virginity. I had already left home by then, so I suppose there was no reason to - but I would have felt that it was TMI for her anyway! (She has presumably worked it out by now, given the presence of the DCs...)

Personally, I would have been offended if she'd started leaving condoms around for me 'just in case'. I always valued the trust she placed in me to sort out 'grown-up' things like contraception for myself...

(BTW, I don't get the idea that people who aren't convinced about teenagers having sex also regard sex as dirty, no fun, and such like. I find it all great fun and am not embarrassed to buy contraceptives - I just don't think that 16-y-os are necessarily able to deal with the emotional fall-out of sex!)

[princessmel]

I don't think its a dare at all. I think she needed the towels genuinely and then thought that you could get her the condoms at the same tims as she is too embarassed to buy them herself. I would have been embarrased at 16.

[mytetherisending]

Showing disapproval of a teenager wanting a sexual relationship is asking for trouble. Its the old adage of the forbidden fruit- the more you say someone can't have it, the more they want it and try it.

[harpsichordcarrier]

"Abstinence-based sex education is disastrous rubbish perpetrated by people who are sexually dysfunctional and want to pass that dysfunction on to the next generation (and it is a sexual dysfunction to be obsessed with stopping other people having sex)."

[Fizzylemonade]

I think you did the right thing. Not everybody's Mum or Dad is approachable on the subject of sex.

Did anybody else watch "Teenage Embarrassing Illnesses"?

The common theme seemed to be that the teenage kids had lots of questions but felt they couldn't talk to their parents. They were told to write their questions on paper and they would get some "experts" to answer them.

They then brought in their parents as the "experts" as they had been given a crash course and prepared them for the questions that were going to come from their own 15 year old.

One girl wanted to know if she "could break her vaginal wall" she meant hymen, also whether if she did this herself would she still be a virgin.

She obviously trusts you and asked you by text so as to avoid the embarrassment but I also think she wants someone to talk to.

I wish I had had someone to talk to at 16, I started a 2 year relationship and had sex. We did use condoms but luckily I didn't have to buy them, would have been mortified. Just to have an adult to talk through all the emotional stuff, to guide me really.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

if teenagers want to have sex, then they will regardless of if they have condoms - hence so many teenagers getting pregnant first time etc

so the OP buying them was good - she is not encouraging them to have sex, they are already thinking about doing it/if not already have

but encouraging them to have sex responsibily

shybaby - how old is your ds, if you have had the conversation of him buying condoms and be sensible?

[GreenMonkies]

"Abstinence-based sex education is disastrous rubbish perpetrated by people who are sexually dysfunctional and want to pass that dysfunction on to the next generation (and it is a sexual dysfunction to be obsessed with stopping other people having sex)."

Ask Sarah Palins 17 year old daughter if abstinence based sex education works........

[Dottoressa]

"Abstinence-based sex education is disastrous rubbish perpetrated by people who are sexually dysfunctional and want to pass that dysfunction on to the next generation (and it is a sexual dysfunction to be obsessed with stopping other people having sex)."

I don't think that sex education based on abstinence does any good either - though I do think that abstinence should be offered as a possibility!

However, I do tend to think that our whole culture is sexually dysfunctional. We are treating all teenagers as if they are as obsessed with sex as we are in one way or another.

I'd say that celeb magazines (and many women's magazines - and the likes of Nuts) are partly responsible for this sexually dysfunctional culture. The message that is given out, subtly or not-so-subtly, is that sex is everything: that all that matters to girls and women is being sexually attractive and available. You only count for anything if you are 'up for it'. I thought it was bad enough being a teenager 20 years ago. I would really not like to be one now!

Personally, I think the cultural movers and shakers who perpetrate this kind of message are the ones who are sexually dysfunctional - not me for hoping that some teenagers can still enjoy being silly, giggly teenagers who can fancy boys from a reasonable distance without being worried about catching chlamydia or becoming pregnant!

[ScottishMummy]

being sexually active means being responsible for your own contraception.16 or 56 frankly

hell if she is able to think about sex she should be responsible for own contraception

this isn't some whimsy whoopsie oh forgot... it's potentially an unwanted pg

don't understand how if she is active she isn't prepared

[motherinferior]

I love the new toy analogy - so right. And I really like the idea of having condoms around 'just in case'.

[choccynutter]

if she was asking you for them she already having sex so you weren't encouraging her jst making sure she safe i prob would have got them

[Tortington]

if a teen put me in that position they wouold have to deal with the other stuff i have to say too

the long talk on sex and whether she really wants to do it , the talk on condoms and going on the pill, making an appointment at the doctor.

the talk about where you can pick up free condoms in town, like the information cenre, free clinoic etc - they exist. she obviously doesn't know about them.

i am of the opinion that my asking you she is (as dittany suggested) needing to talk over this HUGE adult decision, and she is in effect asking to do this with you.