to encourage my 16 year old babysitter to shag her equally 16 year old boyf?

[misshardbroom]

I have a sometime babysitter who is 16 and in year 12 or Lower Sixth or whatever. I don't leave my children with her at night, she just occasionally covers an hour and a half for me on a Saturday between DH going out to coach rugby on a Saturday and me getting in from work. She's a very young 16 in a lot of ways, not very streetwise really but very respectable and sensible.

Anyway, she has been seeing her boyfriend for about 8 weeks, I don't know him but he sounds OK and she really likes him.

This afternoon she texted me as I was leaving work and said would I be able to pick up some form of sanitary towels for her on my way in as she had come 'on' and didn't have anything. I told her to help herself from the bathroom but I only keep Tampax in and she doesn't use them so of course I said yes I would. Then she texted back and said would I also be able to get her some condoms.

I got them for her because I figured that if she's sleeping with her boyfriend then it's better she has the wherewithal to do it safely. And she's 16, as is he, so the entire thing is legal, if perhaps less than ideal.

However, I'm a bit uncomfortable about it because I don't know how I'd feel if in 10 years or so, someone was buying my teenage daughter condoms.

I don't really know her mum (i.e. definitely not in a position to say 'hello, do you know your daughter is having sex?'), but although my babysitter sees me as her friend, her mum is only 40 so just a few years older than I am myself.

But then, would it be worse to say no, and then her go ahead and sleep with him anyway and end up pg or with chlamydia or other nasties?

what would you have done?

[Blondeshavemorefun]

i think you did the right thing

for whatever reasns she wanted the condoms and if she is going to have sex, then least she has protection

rather than find out she is pregnant or has a std

[juicyjolly]

hugehair...I do understand what you are saying.....I suppose I might feel a little to close to what this subject is about.
My daughter is 16 and has had a boyfriend for three months now. So possibly just a knee jerk reaction from me.

Thank God she isn't anything like I was at 16

[Dottoressa]

Nutty - I dare say you don't personally promote it. I am also all too aware that it goes on. But it seems that there's a general sense here of 'well, it's just what all teenagers do' - which does normalise it. Once something is the norm, those who don't want to do it start to feel like the weirdo odd ones out. Unless they are happy to be 'weird', that puts them under pressure to conform!

I suspect it's the same with binge-drinking...

[Blondeshavemorefun]

maybe your bs feels ready to have sex

i wasnt at 16 - much to my boyfriends disgust - so i got dumped

if she is too embarassed to buy her own, or even talk to her mum,then you did the right thing

she is over the age limit and can all the mums on here really say they would prefer their dd to come home preganant,than to ask another adult for help/condoms?

my mum would have FLIPPED if i had asked her for advice/condoms at 16

she flipped at 19 when she found out i had had sex - and made me feel bad and guilty for not waiting till i was married

[hugeheadofhair]

Juicy,
From my experience with gp's I'd rather have my DD (not that I have one, I have 3 DSs) find an adult she trusts and might have a conversation with about the whole issue, than a gp. They do perhaps ask something like "are you in a relationship" and tell them about std's etc, but it doesn't cover the emotional side of it at all. And that is so important isn't it? It might feel a bit as a betrayal to the parent, because I imagine you would want your DD to come to you rather than the woman she babysits for, but still, I would hope that because she went to a person she knows on a personal level, that she got a bit more emotional support out of it than perhaps a gp, (which she was probably looking for).

Would you dare ask your DD if she knew where she would get her contraception from when she was ready for it? You may need to soon...

[TeenyTinyTorya]

I think it's a bit of a strange request, but you did the right thing - you are not her parent, so as long as you were happy to buy them, it wouldn't have been your place to start asking her about why she needed them or whatever.

I'm a bit at the people saying they would never have a 16yr old as a babysitter. I was a childminder (shared charge) and babysitter (sole night-time charge) from age 15 upwards. Not all teenagers are irresponsible you know.

[ShyBaby]

At 16 I probably would have done the same thing tbh. I never really had the kind of relationship with my mum where we could talk sensibly about things like that, its hard to explain...she's pretty laid back but there was always a bit of a wall between us. She was uncomfortable about doing anything motherly, like hugs, chats, support etc.

My best friend's mum was someone I felt very comfortable with and i'd grown up with them really. She was the one who was never embarrassed to chat to us about anything.

So imagining that I was too embarrassed to buy condoms myself (still would be now, and im 30 with two kids), it would have been my friend's mum i'd have asked, not my own.

I hope my dd will be able to talk to me about things like this but if for any reason she feels she cant, i'd rather someone buy the condoms for her than have her coming home pregnant or with an std.

[juicyjolly]

hugehead.....tbh with you, my 16yr old dd and I can talk about anything, boyfriends, sex, really I dont think there is a subject we haven't tackled and all with a touch of humour...which believe me, goes a long way.

I know she is still a virgin,not because I have asked.....that would be going to far.....just a mothers intuition.
I know after all our talks, our questions and answers, that she definetely feels mature enough in herself to go a get her own contraceptives when the time comes.
On the other hand, she is my only child, so who knows, if I would have had another child and had exactly the same sort of close relationship that that child might have felt utterly uncomfortable going to our gp or family planning. It is a hard question to answer.

So yes, maybe I do see your point, and just hope that the person anyone's 16yr old asks has the same attitude as yourself.

I do remember when I first went for the pill, it was with our family doctor and I was 20yrs old. He was an Irish Catholic, as was the area we lived in.
He told me he did not deal with that sort of thing and to find somewhere else to go....never suggesting exactly were else to go. He really made me feel cheap, even though he knew I was to marry this boyfriend...we are still together 26 yrs later.

[babygrosandgros]

16 is quite old to be a virgin these days. Forget the legal age limit, that means little to most teenagers today.

8 weeks is a long time to be in a relationship without sleeping together when you are young. I was with my bf (now my husband) 6 weeks before I slept with him, my friends thought I was frigid.

It is not the boys responsibility to bring the condoms and I hope for your dd's sake you are not teaching them that. A girl has to protect herself against STD's which could leave her infertile, HIV or pregnancy. For that reason alone, a girl must carry condoms in order to protect herself. It doesn't make her a slut and it doesn't make her more likely to have sex. It makes her mature and responsible.
Teenage boys are notorious for not wanting to wear condoms and I will bring my dd up to insist her partner wears a condom until he has been checked. Its much easier to insist on a condom when you have one in your possession. Its much easier to persuade a girl you don't need a condom when one is not available.

Lastly, this girl was going to have sex regardless of weather the OP brought them or not. The decision regarding maturity of the girl involved was irrelevant.

The OP was doing the only thing she could, ensuring this couple had safe sex. And I hope that the one thing we will all teach our children (boys and girls) is that safe sex is paramount, and that means condoms.

[juicyjolly]

Yes my dd and I have discussed the need for condoms as well as her using the pill when the time comes


As I have already explained somewere in this post, I think my response was given on a personal reaction iykwim. I think I described it as a 'knee jerk reaction'.

Its just that, as you have already explained yourself, they need to know about contraception, not just condoms, but pills, std's, etc.
This just wasn't one of them occasions though was it?
Fine, if like my daughter they already know these things, but if not, do you still just buy them for someone elses dd and just hand them over, no questions asked?

[nooka]

Of course it is quite possible that this girl was already a regular buyer of condoms, but thought as the OP was kindly going to be in a chemist for the towels it would be handy if she could pick up condoms too. Who knows (except the girl in question) I think a lot of assumptions are bring made here

[Dottoressa]

This thread, to my mind, shows some of the problems with sex education. The focus seems to be almost entirely on avoidance of STDs and pregnancy - not on the alternative, namely abstinence.

Of course some teenagers have sex at 16; some way before. But nobody ever seems to tell them that they really don't have to do it. Everything is about 'safe sex' - which in its turn makes it seem as if sex is what teens are supposed to be doing.

I have no religious/moral objections to sex in any form. However, I do object to the tacit assumption that it's something that all teens either are or should be doing (safely or otherwise).

16-y-os are legally allowed to have sex. However, I would not provide the condoms for them to do it. I would feel that if a girl is old enough to make the adult decision to have sex, she should also be old enough to make the adult decision to sort out her contraception - or confident enough about her partner to ask him to do so. If neither of these applies, she is not 'adult' enough, and nor is her partner. I would explain this to her when I refused to provide condoms.

(BTW, if STDs and pregnancy are really fears, abstinence eliminates them!)

[mytetherisending]

Dottorressa immature or not, you will never prevent the biological impulse to want to try sex. It is natural curiosity. In exactly the same way that many children try smoking,drinking and drugs without understanding their consequences....it doesn't prevent them from trying them
Obviously I would discourage early sexuality if it was my dd, however, this BS had already decided she wanted condoms either to use (sensible) or for future use just in case (also sensible)
I definately feel the OP did the right thing.

[babygrosandgros]

"16-y-os are legally allowed to have sex. However, I would not provide the condoms for them to do it. I would feel that if a girl is old enough to make the adult decision to have sex, she should also be old enough to make the adult decision to sort out her contraception - or confident enough about her partner to ask him to do so. If neither of these applies, she is not 'adult' enough, and nor is her partner. I would explain this to her when I refused to provide condoms."

What good do you think would come of refusing condoms? Do you really think the teenager would listen to your reasons and abstain?

And being 'adult' enough is not a concern for many teenagers who particiapate in under age sex.

Your reasons are idealistic. It would be perfect if we could live in an ideal world where people didnt have sex till they were mature and sensible enough to realise the consequences of their actions.

However we have to realistic and accept that is rarely going to be the case. Which is why it is adults responsiblty to preach 'safe sex'.

Who knows how bad the consequences of refusing condoms could be. Another unwanted pregancy? An abortion? infertitly? HIV?

[pamelat]

I would be uncomfortable buying them for her but I would have done it.

I agree with some others that it was strange for her to ask you. Personally, at 16 I would prefer to ask my boyfriend that the person I baby sat for! Maybe they are both too embarassed to buy them themselves (?) but then she doens't seem shy about it with you.

You obviously have a close relationship with her so I would try to talk to her about it. Even a "you know how i bought you the condoms the other night, have you ever bought them before as did you know that you can get them free from the family planning clinic"

[piratecat]

towels-fair enough

condoms-she's taking the piss

must have really put you on the spot.

[Dottoressa]

So as a matter of interest...

Your 16-y-o BS asks you to pick up some cannabis for her on your way home. For whatever reason, you don't think she should be taking drugs. Do you supply her? I suspect most of us would not.

Of course there's no comparison between sex (normal, natural, fun and legal at 16) and cannabis. However, I still think that if it's something you feel strongly about, you should stick to your guns.

If a child is having sex before she's emotionally mature enough to sort out her own contraception, it is unlikely that this one action (OP providing them for her) will necesarily prevent her from becoming pregnant/infected/having an abortion at some point in her sexual life.

I just feel that, sometimes, adults have to tell children (even 16-y-o ones) that they think their actions are wrong, and that they cannot condone them either implicitly or explicitly.

[prettybutterfly]

I really hate it that we're talking about 16 year old 'children' having sex. If you're old enough to have sex then you're NOT a child. If you're an adult then you should be sorting out your own birth control. It's really quite straight-forward.

[prettybutterfly]

Dottoressa, the cannabis analogy's not good. You'll confuse people.

[solidgoldbrass]

Dotoressa: it's not wrong to have sex when you want to and have a willing partner, no matter how old you are. And adult who tells a 16 year old that his/her sexual desires are wrong is not 'right', mnerely airing his/her prejudices.And most teenagers think about sex and want to experiment sexually because in biological terms they are the right age to do so (it is a very very recent development in human history for sex to be seen as something to delay: for centuries a girl of 14/15 would be married and probably have at least one child).
Abstinence-based sex education is disastrous rubbish perpetrated by people who are sexually dysfunctional and want to pass that dysfunction on to the next generation (and it is a sexual dysfunction to be obsessed with stopping other people having sex).

[babygrosandgros]

"it is unlikely that this one action (OP providing them for her) will necesarily prevent her from becoming pregnant/infected/having an abortion at some point in her sexual life."

So what you are saying is that the OP should have thought 'fuck it, she'll probably get pregant or die of AIDS anyway, why bother buying the condoms?' How mature and responsible Dot. Not to mention caring

There is no comparison between cannabis and condoms. One harms the body and the other protects it.
It is also illegal to buy cannabis, the babysitter never asked the OP to do anything illegal.
Very stupid comaparison to try to make IMO.

12 yr old girls get pregnant butterfly. They are still children, just beacuse they are having sex doesnt make them adults. Having sex doesnt mean you have suddenly 'became a woman'.

Surely we should be trying to protect our childre/young women. Yes we should be teaching them that sex is best once you are in a loving relationship but once the have made up their mind to have sex surely its best to make sure they are doing it safely? What good will come of refusing them the chance to have sex? What lesson is that teaching them?

[babygrosandgros]

That should read: 'what good will come of refusing them the chance to have safe sex

[MegBusset]

I think there is a lot of denial about teenage sexuality here.