to encourage my 16 year old babysitter to shag her equally 16 year old boyf?

[misshardbroom]

I have a sometime babysitter who is 16 and in year 12 or Lower Sixth or whatever. I don't leave my children with her at night, she just occasionally covers an hour and a half for me on a Saturday between DH going out to coach rugby on a Saturday and me getting in from work. She's a very young 16 in a lot of ways, not very streetwise really but very respectable and sensible.

Anyway, she has been seeing her boyfriend for about 8 weeks, I don't know him but he sounds OK and she really likes him.

This afternoon she texted me as I was leaving work and said would I be able to pick up some form of sanitary towels for her on my way in as she had come 'on' and didn't have anything. I told her to help herself from the bathroom but I only keep Tampax in and she doesn't use them so of course I said yes I would. Then she texted back and said would I also be able to get her some condoms.

I got them for her because I figured that if she's sleeping with her boyfriend then it's better she has the wherewithal to do it safely. And she's 16, as is he, so the entire thing is legal, if perhaps less than ideal.

However, I'm a bit uncomfortable about it because I don't know how I'd feel if in 10 years or so, someone was buying my teenage daughter condoms.

I don't really know her mum (i.e. definitely not in a position to say 'hello, do you know your daughter is having sex?'), but although my babysitter sees me as her friend, her mum is only 40 so just a few years older than I am myself.

But then, would it be worse to say no, and then her go ahead and sleep with him anyway and end up pg or with chlamydia or other nasties?

what would you have done?

[juicyjolly]

I have only read the OP,and I am really shocked that you wouldn't have known the answer to a 16yr old who asked you to buy her condoms.

NO would have been the obvious answer, if she was ready to start using contraception then her and her boyfriend should be mature enough to get them themselves.

I must be honest and let you know that if anybody my daughter occasionally babysits for bought her condoms I would be fuming!
You even say that the girl is not as mature as you might have thought for 16. I really am not happy about your decision

[mytetherisending]

prettybutterfly How do not having enough money and access to family planning services and being embarrassed have anything to do with how you feel about your partner? Genuinely baffled by that ridiculous statement!

[mytetherisending]

Juicyjolly I suggest you read some of my posts.

[misshardbroom]

Yes, juicycjolly, that's my point... it's not as though I feel like I have definitively done the right thing.

Actually, when my dd is 16, if someone were to buy her condoms, I'd be pretty upset too. But I'd be even more upset if my 16 year old dd came home pregnant or with chlamydia and I found out she'd asked a trusted adult for help and they'd refused.

It's a decision I'm struggling with. That's why I posted.

[mytetherisending]

misshardbroom Do you live in a village or a town?
The girl didn't ask face to face, she asked in a text message. Thats the difference in embarrassment levels. Perhaps she has also been given the spanish inquisition when buying them previously?

[MegBusset]

I'm sure I remember my 19yo bf (when I was 16) struggling to buy condoms in a chemist... he just didn't know which ones to get as there was too much choice and he panicked and ran out! In that situation I can see that asking a trusted adult who's NOT your mum (nor likely to tell her) would appeal.

[misshardbroom]

leafy suburbia, mytether. So technically, she could have bought her own on the way home. I think embarrassment and possibly lack of funds was why she asked me, rather than availability issues. I pay her at the end of each month for the babysitting because it's a regular weekly arrangement so she may be skint.

[note to self: pay babysitter on weekly basis to avoid embarrassing contraception-related issues]

[LaDiDaDi]

I think that you did the right thing and I'm pretty shocked at some of the responses.

Either this was a)a dare, b)an attempt to discuss sex and relationships with a trusted adult other then parent/teacher/HCP or c)a real desire to get access to contraception that was felt to be needed.

16 is the legal age of consent. It matters not one jot how much older one is. People have bad relationships/sex outside a loving relationship at all ages. Yes, in this slightly odd scenario I think it would be fine for the OP to give condoms and open up the opportunity for the babysitter to do b) but really she would have no business telling her mother or anyone else about the girl's request.

Imagine if you went to the GP for a prescription for the pill and they wanted to let your mother know that you were having sex. I would be outraged, though admittedly the presence of a small child in my life is probably a clue that I'm not still a virgin, and I'd guess that others are too.

My views on this are heavily influenced by my experiences as a 16 year old in a very happy, long-term relationship. My parents discovered my OCP and went ballistic, /i didn't dare go back to my GP to get more and it really altered my relationship with my parents for a long time, in fact now 15 years later it still upsets me to think of how my privacy and autonomy were disregarded for no valid reason.

[chefswife]

i don't think i would buy them... i've always felt the boys should be getting the condoms anyway. they never give you money towards your birth control pill. but i did have a mother that i couldn't confide in with, or had a very good relationship, so for her to have adult she feels comfortable with talking about it is pretty good. i would talk to her about it though and maybe make a point of saying that it is the only time you will be doing this. if they are 'responsible' enough to having sex, they are fully capable of buying their own condoms.

[misshardbroom]

isn't the pill free??

[MegBusset]

On a side note, I wonder how much our own sexual experiences colour our attitudes towards this. I notice that those of us who had positive, enjoyable sex at 16 are much more relaxed about the idea of this girl having sex as long as it is using a condom (however acquired). I wonder if those who say that she is stupid or has low self-esteem or is immature are projecting their own experiences at the time?

Not accusing anyone of this in particular, just thought it might make an interesting question...

[mytetherisending]

Ladidadi I had the same scenario but it turned out different than I expected. I went to the GP and got the OCP at 16yo without telling my mother (too stuffy to discuss sex) I hated lying to her so put the OCP somewhere she could find it and burst into tears when she held them up and said why didn't you tell me as I would have come to the Drs with you. I wanted to have the discussion but didn't know how to start it. Perhaps she needed guidance?

[TinkerBellesMum]

So are condoms if you ask your GP I got given a bag full of different ones, I was pregnant at the time too

[MegBusset]

I got given a big bag of condoms at the fpc... the nurse then blushed and said "Oops, wrong bag", she'd given me the heavy-duty condoms for gay men...

[juicyjolly]

mytether.....yes.......and!

misshardbr.....read all the post and still stand by what I say....you should not have bought the condoms!

It was not your place to buy them. She has many other options than to ask someone who she babysits for, for about an hour and a half.

Like I said, I would be fuming if someone in your position bought condoms for my 16yr old.
Why because if my 16yr old is mature enough to be having sex, then she will be mature enough to go about getting them herself!

[harpsichordcarrier]

megbusset you may well be right about that.

[hugeheadofhair]

I definitely would have bought her the condoms, but before I would give them to her I would sit down with her and tell her how uneasy I felt for buying them. I would have explained her my dilemma, and from her reaction suss out if she really wanted sex or what was going on. Then, if I didn't get the impression that it was a prank or put under pressure by her bf, I would give her the condoms. I'm not embarrassed by talking about sex at all, but am conservative in the way that I think that you get more out of it in a loving relationship, certainly for the first time(s). And that is what I would want for her.

[juicyjolly]

hugehead......if my dd was to have asked, then I think what you say sounds great, but why would you not talk to her in the same way about going to a gp or family planning etc, instead of buying her the condoms?

[hugeheadofhair]

Juicyjolly, If the conversation went that way, I certainly would, because I wouldn't want to keep buying her condoms forever more! But the fact that she asked me instead of a gp etc, implies that she wants me to be that person to confide in, and if it was going to be her first time (which, from the OP I get the impression that it might be), I wouldn't want to make that anymore difficult than it already is, by sending her somewhere else.

[Dottoressa]

Lots of interesting ones here!

Onager - Happily, I am among your latter category!

Had I had sex with the people I fancied myself in love with at 16, I'm not sure the same would apply.

Personally I am glad I waited for the person I hoped I'd spend the rest of my life with (and have done thus far...)

Nuttytaff - just because lots of pre-16s experiment, it doesn't mean they all do. This kind of normalising of sex just puts pressure on teenagers to do it before they're really ready.

Meg - v. interesting thoughts. I don't think sex at 16 is stupid or immature (though I do think it's too early myself - there are so many other things for girls to do that don't involve worrying about pregnancy/relationships. They will spend years worrying about these things; why not just enjoy the freedom to be single and carefree at that age?)

However, I do think it can be (not always, but can often be) related to low self esteem or other upset (parents divorcing; a parent dying; other family tramua). If you are feeling vulnerable, sex could seem like some kind of validation (someone wants to have sex with you, ergo you are a lovable, good person). The girls at school who had sex at that age invariably had ishoos at home/school/or just wanted to be one of the crowd (particularly tragic in my view).

I didn't want to have sex with anyone at that age because I thought any man who ever had sex with anyone as clever and beautiful as me would be incredibly lucky . He would himself have to be really, really stupendously marvellous - and no teenage boy was ever really likely to live up to that one!!

[juicyjolly]

hugehair...I cant see why it would have to have been difficult.
After the amount of sensitivity you expressed in your thread then I cannot see why that couldnt have been used to help her in deciding to get the condoms herself.

[hugeheadofhair]

Juicy, it could have as well. I wouldn't mind. But she didn't ask the gp or the family planning clinic at that moment, she asked me. And, like others who have expressed this concern as well, if I somehow didn't succeed in giving her enough confidence to get them herself, might she go and do it without? That would be worse. So I would supply her and send her in the right direction for the future.