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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mums with the most family help are the ones who moan the most about how hard life is?

137 replies

asif · 17/11/2008 18:55

most people just get on with life, I know some moan some don't

BUT I'm sick of listening to mums who have THEIR mums at their beck and call telling anyone who'll listen how hard life is for them

I want to scream TRY DOING IT WITHOUT YOUR MUM THERE THE WHOLE TIME LOVE

OP posts:
Twinklemegan · 17/11/2008 22:41

Things aren't always quite that black and white, are they?

CuddlyToy · 17/11/2008 22:50

My mother lives 945 miles away from me, my brother 300. My nearest friend is 30 miles away but she is not a proper friend as I couldn't rely one her to help out at a time of need.

If I am having a shit time I may well moan about it.

If a person is used to being supported and then loses that support, they are likely to moan more than if they had never had it in the first place.

Jackaroo · 18/11/2008 05:28

Until this year, both our families lived overseas, and we had no family help for the first 2 years with a child. I had PND that meant I could not function, and we fell on our feet when a friend of a friend turned up from Eastern Europe desperate for somewhere to live, and fantastic with DS. She stayed 6 weeks. AFter that she came 1 day a week, and babysat maybe 5 times in a year, always paid of course.
We are so lucky that the only things we had to give up to pay for her was non-essentials like clothes for adults, anything other than basic food, coffees etc etc so we didnt' have to go without, and it made all the difference in the world.
Now we live near ILs and they don't actually take DS a lot - maybe an hour if I have to go somewhere, babysat a couple of evenings in the year, but the difference KNOWING that they are around the corner and capable of helping has had an effect I could not have imagined.
My MIL has been a complete lifeline for ME, not in terms of taking DS off my hands but just being a person in my life that I see regularly and who cares how things are going. I'm very fortunate that we get on so well. This year I've had awful homesickness, lost my dad, and moved house 3 times. It's been crap in so many ways, but having "family" near by has been a joy I just didn['t expect (even allowing for the group vote everytime anyone wants to plan a trip!! We were used to only consulting ourselves!).

DOn't know what I'm trying to say except maybe those who do have frequent help don't realise the help is more than the time out, and should be thankful, and that apart from very rare cases we should all be allowing that life might not be as it seems for ANYONE.

(sorry to shout),

J

turtle23 · 18/11/2008 05:32

Funny, was just thinking to mysel how crap things are without family. My familylive in Canada, DH's parents are too old to help. His brothers and sisters don't want to help. I had a group of three or four friends who all said they'd help out, but they've gone on to have new babies. DH wont help. It's just me. I am so tired right now I am constantly on the verge of tears, and someone (who has family down the road AND a nanny) was telling me yesterday how tough it was having a baby.

Original poster
asif · 18/11/2008 07:47

its true, what I miss most is support that family could give, as well as the physical help with the kids

I have some good friends who I can ask for help, and I'm grateful for them

moving isn't an option, I live near mum but as I said she's elderly and needs me now

I know its mean to say, but knowing others feel a bit like me doesn't make me feel so isolated

OP posts:
kitbit · 18/11/2008 08:29

Yep, I have a friend who is always moaning. She has a comfortable lifestyle, a cleaner, inlaws and parents nearby who pop over at the drop of a hat and who are always happy to babysit, plus 3 other mutual friends who live within 5 mins walk so they are always in each other's houses for coffee, playing etc. Her house is immaculate.
Apparently she is "so busy" she doesn't have time to do anything "for herself".

I have decided that there is so much else in our friendship that is worth putting up with her tactlessness (we live 2000 miles from family, know no-one, have own business so work all hours, no cleaner, babysitters or nice coffee mornings etc etc moan moan!) and I just smile sweetly and remember it's all a matter of scale and perspective. Maybe she feels she needs to moan because she thinks to say to me "life is lovely" would be more tactless???!

justunaccomplishedmummy · 18/11/2008 10:17

YABU I have my mum at my "beck and call" and also a very hands on DH and very helpful teenage DSD. BUT I have sever PND so I may moan a lot especially if I'm having a bad day. Just because you get loads of help doesn't mean you have nothing to moan about. If you look at my life it is near on perfect (apart from finances) yet I am very depressed. WHy? I have no idea, hormones? chemical imbalance? circumstances? who knows.

YAB very U you don't know if these mothers may also be depressed even if they do have loads of help.

justunaccomplishedmummy · 18/11/2008 10:17

that was severe

onthewarpath · 18/11/2008 10:38

To the op ( have not yed read other posts)
Funilly enough I was having a converstion on the subject with DH this very morning. We live here, both our families live abroad. We have 4 children and DH workk very hard, sometimes abroad as well but I totally desagree with you.

I do the things I have to do without complaining (too much...), because complaining would not change anything to be honest. If I had my parents here I would most definitely ask for their help.

We do not know everything that's going on in someone elses household and why they might cope "less". people cope with different things a different way I think most of us (incuding me!) are very jalous that people get more help than we do, we cannot blame them for it though and as far as complaining goes give me the name of just ONE mum in the world that never has anything to complain about and I will definitely shut up leave gracefully...

onthewarpath · 18/11/2008 10:39

To the op ( have not yed read other posts)
Funilly enough I was having a converstion on the subject with DH this very morning. We live here, both our families live abroad. We have 4 children and DH workk very hard, sometimes abroad as well but I totally desagree with you.

I do the things I have to do without complaining (too much...), because complaining would not change anything to be honest. If I had my parents here I would most definitely ask for their help.

We do not know everything that's going on in someone elses household and why they might cope "less". people cope with different things a different way I think most of us (incuding me!) are very jalous that people get more help than we do, we cannot blame them for it though and as far as complaining goes give me the name of just ONE mum in the world that never has anything to complain about and I will definitely shut up leave gracefully...

onthewarpath · 18/11/2008 10:39

Sorry for double posting.

spokette · 18/11/2008 10:49

YANBU

I have some who say to be that they don't know how I do it because I have twins and work. Errr, I just get on with it. Both set of grandparents leave 150 miles away and we have no relatives near by.

There are lots of people out there who would moan even if they had a housekeeper, butler, three nannies and a gardner!

onthewarpath · 18/11/2008 11:02

Don't you ever wish you would get a bit of help though?

spokette · 18/11/2008 11:08

DH and I would love some help, especially babysitting. As it is, we don't have it so just get on with it.

We go out about 3 times a year without the boys because babysitting costs £25 for three hours so a night out is quite expensive!

MadreInglese · 18/11/2008 11:09

OP, YABU to generalise

I have my parents living very near and they could be, I suppose, at my 'beck and call' as you put it. They help out a lot with childcare, but I know I'm very lucky to have this and I appreciate them massively, and I don't moan about how hard my life is because I know there are many worse off than me.

teenspirit · 18/11/2008 11:10

YABU I moan all the time and have a great family. The moaning serves no real point but makes me feel better and irritates my dh how can that be so wrong

FiveGoMadInDorset · 18/11/2008 11:14

MY mother is great but I really hope I don't take her for granted. I never ask if they will have them they always volunteer, eg she had DD on Staurday morning, while DH was away I had guests to look after and DS so I guess only when I am really busy, I never ask if it is just a jolly I want to go on. I also never ask them to babysit I always ask someone else, but they have wonderfully said that they will have them for New YEars Eve although not a holiday for us as we will be working. So I hope I don't moan, yep life is hard work with 2 small children and having people pretty much constantly staying in your house, but that is our life wn we get on with it.

So no YANBU

TheSoapEatersMum · 18/11/2008 11:14

YANBU, although I have the opposite, I have 2 children ( 1 very 'lively'!) and live in Ireland miles away from friends and family; DH goes away a lot 'cos of work so a lot of the time it's just me ( which is fine- not moaning, honest!)

My BIL and SIL have a baby, and all the family live within 5 miles of each other. Her mum visits daily to help with the baby. MIL visits to help also. Not sure why though as apparantly there is " nothing to" having a baby and " we don't know what people make such a fuss about" Gggarrgh smug buggers!

CountessDracula · 18/11/2008 11:17

You are wrong

I have some help from my mother and I know how lucky I am

Plus I can afford to pay for babysitters whenever I want to go out (only cos I work though)

Fennel · 18/11/2008 11:17

I can see it's very irritating when people don't appreciate how much help they are getting. But I know that if my parents or DP's parents lived near us and/or tried to help a lot then I would moan constantly - I would rather chew my own arm off than live near any of them. Families can be so utterly irritating even when they are being, or thinking they are being, helpful.

I only don't moan much about them because they all live a long way away.

CountessDracula · 18/11/2008 11:20

BTW
When my mother was in Australia for a long time we advertised locally for a granny!

We found a lovely woman who lived on her own, had grown up kids, worked part time as a carer etc. She helped us out as and when we needed it while my mum was away.

We have also maintained a fantastic friendship with dd's old nanny who lives locally. She is like family. DD stays with her occasionally and helps us out in emergencies. We have always helped her out whenever she has needed it too - we gave her her car when we didn't need her any more as she would have been stuffed without it and have bailed her out of debt on a couple of occasions. It is a two way thing. She has no family to speak of that she can turn to for help.

Family does not just have to be blood relatives. You can make your own family around you if you choose to.

FourArms · 18/11/2008 11:45

I like this part of your post CD:

Family does not just have to be blood relatives. You can make your own family around you if you choose to.

I suppose some of my friends are almost like family. Especially the ones that I've known (day in day out) since the early days after DS1 was born. As I've no closeby family, these friends share all of my ups and downs in the way that I suppose family would if they were closer. Because we don't live close to my parents, I often don't even tell my mum when things are bad, as there is nothing that she can do, and it would only make her worry as well.

Boobalina · 18/11/2008 12:15

YANBU

My mother passed away when I was 21, my father is in late 70's and too old. My MIL is in another country and probably a good thing and all siblings have older kids and feel they have done their bit with their kids and dont feel the need to help.

DS is nearly 4 and DD is 1. We have had ONE night away from kids in nearly 4 years.

We do manage the odd night out together though by roping in friends.

However, I can't bear friends who moan and then act aghast when I mention that we dont really have any help and never have done and then they do that 'oh I can't imagine how you cope' and then dont offer to help...

Life eh, what can you do.

End of the day, we are all grown ups and we chose to have kids.

walks off singing 'I will survive'

zivania · 18/11/2008 18:12

The only way to appreciate something is if you dont have it from the begining.

When my dds were born we lived in London with no family at all. I was very stressed.

We moved to Cyprus and my MIL and Sil live 5 min away. They dont help on a regular basis but just the thought that if i have to go to hospital someone will be there for my dds is priceless. I cant tell you how much i appreciate it. (because i didn't have it before)

And thats why i dont go mental when my mil gives them sweets etc. like many mumsnetters do. When i get annoyed of the sugar she gives them , i only have to remember how is to bring up kids with no family around and that calms me down.

Also i find that many parents want the family but only 'one way'. They want the grandparents to help with childcare but if they have to cook a dinner for them they kick a fuss. The way i see it, it is two ways. Since my in laws help me, i m happy to invite them over for dinner, happy to drive them to hospital or collect a prescription etc.
People who just moan all the time and want everything in their terms, really piss me off

MorrisZapp · 18/11/2008 18:20

YABU

This is like the 65k thread, ie there is always somebody worse off than you. We're born to moan really aren't we, and it's a shame if you can't moan to our friends.

Even those getting lots of help will still be finding parenthood a huge shock and lifechange, and very hard work.

There are threads over on TTC about how people who have kids at all moan about having them and how hard it is but don't realise how lucky they are. How competitive are we going to get about having the right to moan? Those women getting help may have all sorts of other issues that they are struggling with.

YABVU, imo.