To think mums with the most family help are the ones who moan the most about how hard life is?

[asif]

most people just get on with life, I know some moan some don't

BUT I'm sick of listening to mums who have THEIR mums at their beck and call telling anyone who'll listen how hard life is for them

I want to scream TRY DOING IT WITHOUT YOUR MUM THERE THE WHOLE TIME LOVE

YANBU. We live 200 miles from nearest family and in 2 years they have babysat once so DP and I could go out for dinner. My cousin and his partner live 60 miles from his parents and 10 mins from hers. GPs do 2 days a week childcare each and overnights on weekends and in school holidays and all he does is bloody moan about them. BUT deep down I think I feel quite proud that we manage ok with little help and it also means that I don't feel obliged to pay too much attention when family offer advice that I don't agree with - whereas I know cousin has some control issues with his parents and in-laws.

I have'nt noticed this to be honest! I have no help, nearest family 4 hours away. I tell you whay I have noticed that parents with family help always really play the help they are getting down ie yes my mum does have my DC every other weekend but thats all.

Ok, it seems that there are a lot of people who do moan constantly, so in that case YANBU. I just think there are much worse things happening in the world, I'd feel a bit guilty saying how hard my life was blah blah blah.

The situations that you and others are describing would make me pissed off too though.

Er, actually just thought of one of the mums at school whos life is just so hard. Her mum and dad often have her DC overnight and while she goes on holiday! She does moan alot about how hard her life is - I must be immune.

Hmmmm... well it's obviously a huge generalisation and there must be plenty of mums who appreciate the help they get... but I must admit your theory is true for a few of the people I know.

The other day I had to nod politely while a mum ranted and raged about her mother not coming to help her put the baby to bed while her husband went out for a drink, and she'd have to get her MIL to help and MIL was not much use because she didn't do things her way... I wonder if it occured to her afterwards that I put both of my children to bed by myself every night?

(pokes head in slightly) - the thing about getting help from a mother is that often it works both ways - i get loads and loads of help from my mum and mil and so do feel more responsible for them, and do more, and take more flak, than I would otherwise. They both like to be involved in our lives, and I give in on things a lot, because I am grateful for the help. So it's not a cost-free arrangement.

YANBU. I also get annoyed at the ones who get loads of help and then make out that they are finding it all easy because of their brilliant parenting skills- thereby implying that because I am stressed and struggling some days it's solely because my parenting skills don't match theirs. Grrr.

The thing that really makes me cross is when other mummy friends say airily "Oh, don't you have any help? Oh you MUST get someone in to help - even if it's just one day a week, or you'll go mad - you need your ME time" - er, yes, that'd be great if we could afford it!!! A thought that never seems to occur to them!

But mustn't moan - my lovely parents came up (approx 600 miles!] to babysit the whole of last weekend so DH and I could have our first ever weekend away without the twins .

It's a bit of a generalisation but YANBU as we all know somebody like this.

The thing that really gets to me is the insensitivity of not realising how much help they do get and then complaining to me about how hard it is. My family are 150 miles away and I have a MIL who helps out v.occassionally and a babysitter who I have to organise and pay.

I always feel a bit sorry for the women I see with their mum constantly in tow - it's like they've never cut the apron strings and got the confidence to get on with their own life. I think that dependence actually encourages the 'its so tough' mentality, because it justifies having the extra pair of hands around all the time rather than just getting on with it themselves.

And getting on with it and creating your own independent, functioning family unit is what it's all about - I think these ever-present (grand)mothers actually rob their daughters of that feeling of achievement.

Oh I so agree with you.

It's not so much women moaning that it's hard (but how hard can it be with family round the corner regularly helping out?) it's the fact that they're moaning to me - me, that has 3 children, one disabled, a husband away at sea for weeks and months on end, no family within 250 miles, and now a virtually full time job so that our house doesn't get repossessed...

I really have to bite my sarcastic tongue. And when they airily say 'oooh, I don't know how you do it' I just want to stick sharp implements in their eye sockets.

Do you think I need a day off?

YANBU. IMO, my children are mine and DH's - we decided to have them, not our parents. Grandparents have done their own parenting, and should be allowed to get on with their own lives. And of course,these days many of them are still working, or have very active lives with other commitments. Grandparents should be there for pleasure - they should be able to enjoy the nice bits without the drudgery. I hope one day to be a grandparent, and hopefully I will be able to offer support and involvement but I would hate to feel I was expected to sign over my entire life - hopefully there will be plenty of other things I'll be busy with too.

I do wonder though, whether some of the reason for moaning is that there is a downside to having grandparents too involved. Look at all the threads on MN from parents complaining, it does seem to be the case that when grandparents are doing a lot of childcare for free, there's usually a hidden price to pay, as the parents have less control over how things are done.

In the nicest possible way, as a lone parent I dont understand any woman complaining that her parents dont help when she has a partner. It makes a HUGE difference.

I would love to be able to be ill once in a while, or go to the loo in peace, have a cup of tea made for me...now that is my idea of heaven

I'm an incomer to a village as well, been here for almost 9yrs and slowly being accepted {schock), maybe it's because i'm Welsh?
Anyway, people round here have relatives all over the place and they have help from all quarters.
I mainly rely on myself and my DH to get things done and we have MIL 1hr down the road but they are getting on a bit (75yrs old).
I just wish my mum could help out but she is 1hr away, but the main problem is that she has Dementia and does not really know the grandchildren and to be frank they are a bit wary of her

Ooh, had to jump in on this one. I have to say that from personal experience I do agree that it tends to be the mums with most help that moan about how hard it it.

My best friend, for example, is a single mum who milks it for all she's worth, and as a result has at least 2 nights off a week from her DD, sometimes more. Often her DD stays with me (which I don't mind in the least, because I adore her). I too am a single parent, with 2-yr-old twins. I have no family around me, and while I have lots of friends, they all have kids of their own, and it's not easy to get a babysitter for young twins! I average a night out about twice a year. But you know what? I don't mind. I accepted that my social life would suffer for a few years after having kids (though TBH it doesn't really as a lot of my friends come to my house and we share a bottle of wine or several...) And despite my friend having lots of time off, I don't resent it or her moaning about it, because I know that if contentment were a competition, I'd win hands down. She may have it easier to the outside world, but from personal perspective, my life seems way easier to me than hers does to her. Sometimes I feel sorry for her. I tend to pity those who moan about how hard they have it because it implies that they struggle to cope sometimes and have lost the ability to appreciate the little things in life. As Abraham Lincoln said (I think) "most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".

haven't read the full thread but I had x3 kids very close together and hubbie worked abroad.my mum lives in the next town and when they were very young she and my dad had a car.she never,ever,offered to babysit or change a nappy or anything .... my Dad did (GOD BLESS HIM) but he wasn't allowed as such. i had PND and all she did was shout at me for not being able to cope etc.Now,my next door neighbour-whose mum,sister,someone is always there for her-has PND and just one child.If ever she's alone I try to help if only just to natter. My Mum says,"Poor girl.She needs all the help she can get...."!?! huh?

This 'you shouldn't moan and just get on with it' attitude is the reason I bottled up my PND and anxiety after the birth of DS. On the surface I had it all, a nice home, loving and supportive DH, beautiful baby boy etc. I have wonderful ILs nearby who help when they can.

But I was ill and I put on 'a brave face' to the few friends that I had. What right did I have to moan?

Eventually when DS was 14 months old I broke down. Ended up on ADs and in counselling. Yes I have it a lot better then a lot of people but I also have things to be sad about.

This attitude is wrong and dangerous. There are life's copers and life's non copers. Hats off to those of you who can just knuckle down and get through tough times without much fuss. Even those with lots of family support can still struggle with parenting. Some people are more anxious than others. Maybe your moaning friends are trying to reach out to you?

We should be able to reach out. I would like to think I can have a moan to close friends if I am having a tough time. It does not mean that I can't feel compassion for people who don't have things that I do e.g. family support

I rarely get state this outright (prefer to sit on fence and be a wimp!) but YABU, very unreasonable

I'm one of those lucky mum's with gp's close by and more than willing to help out, where possible, with childcare. However, I realize how damn lucky I am to have them nearby, and do appreciate what they do for us. However, we work as a family unit and if they need my help I will try my best to help them to. I also try to realse they have their own life and try to not take extra advantage of their kindness. On the flip side, I do have to listen to some questionable parenting advice from them, but have to bite My lip. Still, I feel I owe my parents alot for all their support.

eighteenstonesix, thats so unfair isn't it?
seems we all know some moaners who should shut up (or at least not moan to us!)

Also my DH and I made sacrifices to move and live near family.

Do any of you consider that maybe those mums with family support also support their families?

I have helped my MIL out in difficult times. I am very grateful for her help

asif - clearly you are not a shoulder to cry on for a friend in need

rose, maybe we can't cope and just get on with it, maybe we are really srtuggling too but haven't any choice but to just carry on?

maybe we want to cry when we see another granny collecting the kids at the school gates?

maybe the dream of a whole night just with our husbands is just that, a dream, until our youngest is 18?

I appreciate what you are saying, but this thinking we are lifes copers cos we get on with it isn't true, IT'S COS WE HAVE NO CHOICE

and who's shoulder can I cry on?

bah humbug!

Nobody moan ever. Unless all your family has died and your house has burned down, then maybe you can shed a tear!

my inlaws and parents are both 5 mins away I havent had a night out in months because my children are my responsibility noone elses. If we see them it is because we are invited, I never take them for granted, luckily they enjoying seeing us!