To think mums with the most family help are the ones who moan the most about how hard life is?

[asif]

most people just get on with life, I know some moan some don't

BUT I'm sick of listening to mums who have THEIR mums at their beck and call telling anyone who'll listen how hard life is for them

I want to scream TRY DOING IT WITHOUT YOUR MUM THERE THE WHOLE TIME LOVE

also rose, don't try to pick a fight, I'm not up for it. I look after my 81 yr old mum who would have helped if she was 20 yrs younger but now its a one way street, I'm mum to a 7,10 and 81 yr old

who do I cry to?

We all have to just carry on for our children's sake. Some do this without showing that they are struggling, others are more vocal.

It wasn't until I was more vocal that I got the help I needed.

We all have issues, we all struggle sometimes. But I don't want to be labelled a moaner because I might say to a friend 'I feel shit today and my DS was up half the night'

No wonder half this bloody nation is depressed!

asif - don't want to fight. If you were my friend, I would invite you round for a cup of tea and let you moan away!

It is not personal. I just don't think people should bottle up their feelings

It is not personal. I just don't think people should bottle up their feelings

Hello! I have loads of help from my mum (and dp and PIL's when we visit them) and I NEVER complain about how hard it is. I am very very lucky and I know it.

Agree with you Asif

I have no family nearby so just have to get on with it. But thenhn DH and I are also proud of the way we cope and secretly snigger at SIL whose life falls apart when her parents have a holiday!

Rosability - would love to make a sacrifice and move near family but due to DH running his own business we have have to make a choice between being near family and starting a business all over again or having some financial security. Yes we did choose the latter but dosn't mean I don't identify with asif when I see yet another granny collecting the kids from school

Apologise Asif. I maybe got the wrong end of the stick. I really don't want to upset anyone. You should have someone to moan to

also agree with rosability that sometimes we need to ask for help. But who to may be the issue

Sonnet - good point. We all have things we wish we had. Yes my ILs are brilliant. But I don't have support from my own family

I suppose that is my main point Sonnet. We need to be able to ask for help

YANBU I know one friend she has a large family and one DD, she has an afternoon "off" a week and at least two nights out a week.

She is always going on about how hard it is for her and how she finds it such a struggle getting up and getting out the door for her DDs nursery in the morning, can't be easy for her?

We have no help either, you just get on with it but now and again have a bitter moment!

I describe myself as "one of lifes copers" - not always because I want to be but because I had to be. The flip side of this is that I look like I can always "cope" - ho hum... I also know that this means people don't offer help because they assume I can cope - if only they knew....

It isn't easy, at the best of times, admitting you need help but even less so if you have always had to go it alone

One of the things I did asif was to build up a network of prople in a similar position. Is this apossibility for you?

Sweetkitty - I am so with you on "you just get on with it but now and agian have a bitter moment"

Try doing it without anybody there. We moved away from all my friends and my H left me with 2 kids and no help or friendship from anyone. What hurts is his parents who used to spend a lot of time with us and the kids have not given me the time of day since he left. They are always there to help him with the kids the weekends he has them or do jobs on his house but never ever offer any help to me. It is as if i no longer exist. I have invited them round but they are just not interested. Even though he is the one with the girlfriend who left his family. I have known them 10 years and it makes me sad to think their friendship was so shallow

I am so sorry to hear that elastamum - don't even know what to say....

Have you got a support network of friends?
Where abouts are you - rough guide only?

By asking where you are I ment that if you were anywhere near me I owuld help you like a shot!

Elastamum - feel so and for you

It just gets to you sometimes when you see other GPs enjoying spending time with their GC taken them to the parks etc and yours wouldn't even think to phone and ask how they are

I am in Derbyshire. Oh they make sure they see their GC when they are with their dad. They have just deleted me from their lives after years of coming to stay holidays together etc. His dad is round all the time fixing up his new house but wouldnt dream of asking me if I need any help and I am only 5 mins away! I have given them until Christmas to see if they get in touch and if they dont I will send them a card telling them how dissapointed I am

I'm trying to decide whether I'm a moaner or not, or if I would be classed, by someone looking in, as having lots of family help.

My closest family is my MIL who is over a 100 miles away. However, my DH has been away for 12 weeks, and I have only spent one weekend by myself with visits from my sisters, parents and MIL. So, you might think that I have no reason to moan, but actually, all that they have done is provide company for me, and a small amount of physical support. I haven't had anywhere near the amount of support that I'd have had with DH here.

I do moan I suppose, but only about day to day stuff (DS2 sleeps v.badly, and I do moan about this a lot). I have a set of friends who I offload too, and they do the same back. Possibly I'm sometimes not empathetic enough when I'm having a moan, so I will think about this more in the future.

However, in the 12 weeks I've been alone, I've only really broken down and been v.upset in front of people twice. Sometimes this has to happen. You can't keep up the front forever, it isn't healthy. So although at the end of the day, you still have to get on with things, if having a whinge about your life (to a suitable person ) provides enough of a vent to allow you to keep on coping, then it's probably a good thing.

Networks of friends are IMO much more powerful than family. I really couldn't imagine life without my friends.

I know what you mean. in the last 3 months I have really discovered who my friends are. Some have reached out to help and others have run a mile

Gosh some o f you sound so bitter and resentful.

Some people are lucky. They get help.
Most peopel find day to day life hard going.
Some of us cope better than others.
OP - sound very smug and jealous of those who DO get help.
Lucky them. Poor you.

It's not just about practical help it's also about company, like today DDs are off nursery I would have loved to gone round my Mums for lunch with them, helped make a nice lunch and had some adult company. I know that sounds sad.

My parents are 7 hours drive away. DH's mum is 2 days drive away. I think what annoys me the most is, like someone said earlier, the people who make out it's all so easy when in fact they have shedloads of help. Not least DH's ex who seems utterly unable to understand the concept of childcare costs taking up 80% of his part-time pay. Well she wouldn't would she - she's always had her mother and sister living just around the corner - free childcare on tap whenever she needed it. GRRR!

And to top it all, my parents frequently come to see us but have yet to offer to have DS for even one night so that we can have some time to ourselves. Not that we could afford it anyway, but it would be nice to know the possibility was there.

If you want your parents/ family to help you. Move nearer to them.