To feel a bit sad for children in nurseries 8-6 every day?

[SlightlySad]

It struck me yesterday as I took DS2 to the aquarium then for a walk along the seafront that he was very lucky to be doing this. He'd had a few hours chilling out in the morning, taken his big brother to school, had a fun trip out, then back home for a nap.

If he had been in nursery since 12 weeks, then he wouldn't be doing half the things that he does - mother and toddlers, soft play, baby classes, singing classes, trips to the park, pre-school sessions... I know that some nurseries do these things, but it's not every day, and these are the better nurseries. Some children must spend most of their week in one room. I think this would drive DS2 mad.

I'm very lucky in not working, but this isn't a SAHM vs WOHM issue. I just think if I had to go out to work, that I would choose a childminder to care for my children rather than sending them to a nursery.

If you chose a nursery, does yours do lots of extra stuff? Do the children leave the nursery building/garden often? Why did you go with a nursery and not a CM?

I should also add that initially they were looked after 2 days a week by grandparents, who didn't really 'look after' them at all, jsut made them tow along behind them whilst they got on with their lives, so they were much better off in nursery

MP - and in the reverse it could be said that many children would do better at nursery than being at home all the time with a SAHM.

Having a SAHP does not a happy, well adjusted child guarantee..........

mother and toddlers, never did it - puke hate other kids and sniffy mums
soft play - ditto
baby classes wtf are these - am thinking ditto
singing classes erm ditto - whats wrong with VH1 and a hairbrush
trips to the park did this. but then wahm mums can do this too
pre-school sessions - whats this - nursery?

i think i have proved that being a sahm doesn't necessarily mean that its a fecking vocation.

so crap on that.

it doesn't matter WHAT childcare you use, whether family, friends,cm,nanny or nursery etc AS long as the mum is happy with that care

but as the thread is about nurseries

maybe some parents would like a cm/nanny but cant afford/find one near them that has vacanies

some parents can only afford nurseries - that doesnt make them bad parents

and others want their child to go to nursery to have the social aspect

s long as the child is loved and cared for - does it matter who looks after them?

HAMBO

My point is aimed at those who put their children in nursery at weeks old, all day (8 - 6) 5 days a week.

I really don't know why you would have a baby in these circumstances.
..........................................

WTF!!!

so if you have children you HAVE to stay at home with them all day, every day?

some mums want to work,some mums HAVE to work

you saying the above is totally out of order imo!!

you are obviously luckily enough to stay at home and not HAVE to work, but some parents dont have that luxury and they get whatever care they can afford and want

as long as they are happy with it - it shouldnt concern you!!

Haven't read every single post on this, but I ended up putting two of mine in nurseries full time for various complicated reasons at one point and they had an absolute whale of a time, so I kept them in there.

They have huge friendship groups now as a result, and cope very well with other children. It worked out a lot more successfully than I even would have expected because I assumed my two would forget who their parents were and become wierd and institutionalised. This wasn't the case at all, which seems to defy logic.

I have to say that the nurseries we used were very cosy and had good continuity of staff though, which I am sure helped. All in all it was an unexpectedly positive experience and we miss their nursery days a lot - parties, outings, friends, and lots of fun.

Bluebutterfly - interesting post, and it's got me thinking. It seems that sometimes women wait until they have children to kind of have the momentum to make changes if they aren't happy in their work life.
It's good that giving up work has enabled you to realise where your strengths lie, and also what you aren't so good at, and you're obviously a part time worker anyway as you describe projects that you have got involved in.

I was employed for a while (previous career) and I really liked what I did, but after a number of years became bored, so I took off in a new direction and am now my own boss. Like you, I have reached a point where I want to make my own decisions, I would certainly be bored witless sitting at a desk all day.

But it's strange isnt it, how it seems that often women almost need to have a child to make the changes to their life that really, they ought to have the momentum to make in the first place. Interesting...

Completely agree with edam's post about mothers always having worked.

The existence of women who have time to take their children to music group/mother and toddler group every day rather than be in the fields/work the mangle is very, very recent.

(Not that M&T groups can't be very, very hard work !)

But why do women give other women such a hard time for wanting to carry on working? I'm in a similar position to VinegarTits. But even if my DS did have a dad around, I'd still work. I have worked bloody hard to get to the position I am in today. I really enjoy my job. Why the bloody hell should I feel guilty about that hambo? Do you think men who carry on working f-t when they have children are dreadful? I bet you don't.

God I'm so bloody tired of the same old argument on here and it's always SAHMs giving WOHMs a hard time. Just because it's the best choice for you, doesn't mean it is for all of us.

bravo spicemonster

You know we are all parents and we all wnat what is best for our dc and we all do our best to bring them up to be happy, loved, safe.

I am a WOH sinlge M, does that make me less of a parent? does than make mean my dc are not as happy yours? actually i already know the anwser to that. I know i am a great mother, you only have to speak to my dc to know i have done a good job in rasing them Ds1 is 19, independant, intelligent and wonderful, i am proud of him and pat myself on the back everytime i realise what a lovely young man he has turned out to be.

Ds2 goes to nursery full time, is bright, articulate, happy, good, safe, warm, fed, clothed all of the things your own dc are

So i dont need to defend my parenting but it makes me so at the ignorance and smuggness of some mothers, i can only imagine they put other parents down to try and make themselves feel like they are good parents, i dont have to do that.

Hambo i dont think you are a knobber, i do think that you are slightly ignorant though.

all those things custardo says are overpriced crap as far as I'm concerned singing etc for £5 for 2 hors, it's all for the mum's benefit to make friends....

As for Affluenza, Oliver James can fuck off, basically. As can anyone who treats childcare as a "choice" as if it were like deciding which brand of coffee to buy. What the hell is the point of berating - from the comfort of one's Islington townhouse - people who have to work and have to use childcare?

go custy

Spicemonster... I agree. And it's not about mothers anyway it it? It's about parents.

At the end of the day, the vast majority of parents work. Parenting is a huge part of life, being a mum is the most important thing to me, but at the end of the day it's a part of life. Just as it's a hugely important part of my DH's life, but not the only part of it.

Parenting is about living - living your life in a good and positive way, providing good opportunities and experiences for your child, being a good role model so that they learn how to build relationships, and how the world operates. There is nothing to suggest that having one parent at home full time for a completely arbitrary period of time will enable this to happen in a better way. End of.

"HAMBO.....My point is aimed at those who put their children in nursery at weeks old, all day (8 - 6) 5 days a week.

I really don't know why you would have a baby in these circumstances."

I take it we're only talking about mothers who abuse their kids in this way. What about the dads?

P.S. and Oliver James is a total knob. And probably a pretty wealthy one now through the drivel that he peddles

Not you, UQD, obviously!

I think the whole sah/wom thing is a bit daft. Most people do both for varying lengths of time. Very few produce the baby and leap into work 2 days later. Some saty at home 6 months, other several years but very few never ever ever work.
When I was talking to dh about being a sah for 17 years he pointed out I did several uni courses, worked nights in an off-licence, worked weekends as a cleaner and have done a few adult education courses.
I'd sort of forgotten about those cos saw myself as SAH cos of home educating the kids. I doubt anyone is 'pure' anything.
Sometimes I fancy working but it would be too hard. dd is ill and in hozzie so often, we'd lose all the tax credits plus pay for specialised care for dd. I'd need to earn 40K a year and I've never seen a job advertised that pays more than 20 something and even those demanded experience.
Cos of dd we'll never get out of poverty (dh works part time to be her carer too and mine)
but I am going to do an OU course so doing other stuff too.
I doubt anyone is 'just' a SAH.

findtheriver i totally agree with your post about parenting is about living, you talk a lot of sense

Vinegar - I probably am, (ignorant that is) and it is forums and chats like this which are helpful in making people (me) more aware and hopefully less judgemental...

Oliver James is a trust fund baby, and I totally agree with you Unquietdad, with many of his thoughts. However some of the points he made were quite unsettling.

I have to respond to Blondeshave....

I dont think if you have children you have to stay at home all day - my point is that if you have the choice of working or not, and you decide you really love your work and are in a fab position and do not want to give that job up, even one day a week, then why do you want a child?

I am not talking about people who have no choices. I am discussing those who have good jobs and could afford to make cut backs etc to stay at home (or indeed go out!) with their children a couple of days a week, but decide they don't want to.

I'm confused. Has the OP turned into Hambo?

Haven't read the whole thread just OP, so apologies if repeating things.

You are very lucky. Unfortunately I do not have enough money to stay at home with my child much longer, and then she will be one of those sad little children at nursery.
I chose a nursery because I did not know any childminders personally, and I like the accountability and safety of a nursery. I am social worker and have been involved in cases involving childminders, so not prepared to use one unless I personally knew, or had very good recommendation. The nursery I decided to use state they take the kids out every day if possible. I really don't think many leave them stuck in one room all day.

Clam: I think it could be mum or dad who looks after the baby, makes no difference.

Because for a lot of people their job is part of who they are. Why should they lose a piece of who they are because they also want to have another part in their life - a child?

The chances are they'll be changing their lifestyle anyhow - going out less, weekends devoted to child related things rather than their own pleasures - so why should they lose everything that makes them who they are??

Yes, findtheriver, but whether you love your job or not, having a child (I think) is life changing. It made me question alot of things about my life and my values because becoming responsible for a baby fundamentally changes women and men doesn't it? I mean suddenly you can not make everything about yourself anymore but, in evaluating what is best for your dc(s), you also often come to some more realistic conclusions about yourself, I think.

As I said, one of my closest friends was at home with her lo's and was unfulfilled, not because she does not love her dc's, but she missed working so much - she loved her job and it enhanced her self esteem. She is a better, less stressed out Mummy because she is happier in herself now. I have seen the difference in her.

I know that I am a bit more "earth-mothery" (not in a "I am a better mother" sort of way, just in a "I enjoy more aspects of being in the home" sort of way) than she is. As far as I can tell, she makes no negative judgements about me because of it and I hope that I don't do that to her.

It sounds like you have found a balance that suits you ftr, and I am sure that your children are better for it...