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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to object to fiance going to a strip club for his stag do

107 replies

EyeballsintheSky · 12/11/2008 08:06

Firstly, I am writing this on behalf of a non MNetter friend who has heard about your wisdom. My DH will testify I have no need for a fiance at the moment!

Right, friend (let's call her Marge) has been with this guy (let's call him Percy) for over a year, they think the sun shines out of each other, totally loved up etc. So they are talking about getting married and he pipes up that for his stag do, he and a group of friends want to go to Las Vegas to the strip clubs.

Marge has a real problem with this, to the point of it making or breaking the relationship. I know not why but she finds the whole thought of it totally disgusting. She has absolutely no problem with Percy going off to L.V and getting pissed blah blah it's just the idea of the strip club.

Percy knows how she feels, as he confessed in the early days that he had been there before he met her and she nearly left him then but she managed to put it in the past.

He thinks it's is his last splurge before settling down and there is no harm in it. She thinks that he is wrong for gong ahead and doing something which would upset her so much that there may not be a need for a stag do. It's the only fly in otherwise perfect ointment and she knows that he will be devastated if she ends it but she thinks he won't budge over this. I personally think he will budge if it comes down to it but, what she wants to know is if she is being unreasonable by demanding asking him not to do this.

Wise MNetters, over to you.

(Going out now for a bit but will return )

OP posts:
FourArms · 12/11/2008 08:13

Personally this wouldn't worry me at all, so long as it was just watching, and nothing else.

However, if this upset me to the point of being a make or break issue, I would expect my future DH to respect my wishes, and not go.

Is this something that he might do again though at some point? On another stag do? On a boys night out? Would she expect him never to go along to any of these events too? I don't know how many times DH has been to strip clubs. I don't really care. I went to one with him once, I've seen what it's all about, and find it a bit sad really. I suppose I'd rather that DH was honest with me about it. I expect that this DP might start lying about what he's doing if he knows how much it will upset her, and this would probably be ultimately worse.

savoycabbage · 12/11/2008 08:17

It wouldn't bother me if my dh wanted to go either. Assuming that he doesn't want to shag them or course. Which I imagine he doesn't.

I think that if he wants to do something that he feels is so very normal and she thinks that the same thing is 'disgusting' then they have a far bigger problem than if he goes or not.

CharleeInChains · 12/11/2008 08:24

If she is demanding that he don't go the yes she IBU but if she is saying 'dp this is really upsetting me i would really rather you did something else for your stag do' and he isn't bugding then no she INBU.

If the realtionship is secure enough to be moving into marriage teritrory (sp?) then it should be secure enough for each partner to speak up if something is wrong and to respect each others wishes.

I have always told dp i would be really unhappy with him going to a strip joint and he has said fine he wont go. simple as that becuase he respects my wishes and knows it would upset me. Just as im am sure if he wouldn't like me doing something i.e going to a strip club then i wouldn't so it either.

Jun · 12/11/2008 08:24

I think I would feel happier with a strip club rather than a lap dancing place (am assuming there is a difference?) or the red light district.

Do you know if there is something behind her reasons for not liking it?

I think maybe she should just let him do it and try not to think of it as such a big deal. That way it is all out in the open and not so illicit.

I'm not sure it would be worth losing someone over.

ChillyTilly · 12/11/2008 08:24

I agree with FourArms - what happens if a friend of his has a stag do at a stip club after they are married (if they get that far).

I personally don't see it as that big of an issue. I've also been to one, and seriously, didn't see anything there to get that offended over. (Except wondering how they hell they managed to stay up on those high heels!!!)

This is probably not the only time this sort of issue will arise, though. What if 'Percy' wants to get one of those lad mags, will 'Marge' get freaked out over it? She might find it distasteful, but he's only 'looking'.

paow · 12/11/2008 08:32

I wouldn't have a problem with him going to a strip club, BUT I would have a problem with him going all the way to Vegas? What's wrong with Blackpool!

jenkel · 12/11/2008 08:35

I dont like the idea of them and DH knows that I dont like the idea of them, however, I cant think of a good enough reason to stop him going, as long as he is just looking, Actually I dont think that DH has ever been to one, and I would probably not want to know if he had, that makes it easier all round.

So she does appear to have quite strong feelings about these sort of places, and I would imagine that even it he didnt go this time it could cause problems further into the relationship

2point4kids · 12/11/2008 08:35

It wouldnt bother me and I think its quite common these days.

However if its something that has come up as an issue before and he knows how strongly she feels about it then he shouldnt go and should do something else.

If its the one thing that really bothers her and everything else in their lives is perfect then its hardly going to cause him great distress to avoid strip clubs from now on to keep the peace is it?

GrabShellDude · 12/11/2008 08:40

If he is so dimissive of her feelings before they get married, heaven help her a few years down the line.

Las Vegas "strips clubs". Ahem. Brothels more like.

SummatAnNowt · 12/11/2008 08:55

I don't think she is being unreasonable. It's a pretty sad state of affairs if he can't pass up watching other women being exploited for someone he is obviously professing to love. (It's a nice fallacy that these women are "empowered", keeps other women from asking too many questions of the patriarchy)

And I hate the oooh I'm getting tied down so I have to get my jollies in while I can mentality.

I certainly would have huge issues in marrying someone who believed women were a commodity.

But besides that, these don't even have to be her reasons for hating it. He should respect her wishes. I do not buy into the idea that men are so pathetic and weak-willed they just can't help themselves from looking at porn and flesh acts.

2manychips · 12/11/2008 09:23

My dh has been to strip clubs/lap dancing clubs for several stag do's including his own. He had lap dances even after I told him I didnt want him to. If I'd "banned" them he would have just done it and lied. That would've been worse to me. Its still a sensitive subject with us but one day it'll happen again, and I'm sure he wont stand outside whilst his mates go in.I dont know of any stag do's that havent involved strip clubs.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/11/2008 09:36

We had the exact same problem. DH said he wouldn't go, and managed to get the more sensible of the best men to make sure it didn't happen.

I hated the idea of him going on another stag and ending up in one. He did, and did, but told me all about it and was really up front. He was with other blokes in his family and said they stood at the bar while the others got a table.

I was upset, and we had a big row, but I understood in the end. Luckily my DH is quite shy and really doesn't like that kind of thing (I do trust him on that).

I would say that if she was that upset about it, then he should respect her wishes. As for other stags in the future, I'm not sure she'll be able to dictate so much.

I hope they sort it all out. I still hate the idea about it happening on another stag, but I'm more okay about it all now.

Bubbaluv · 12/11/2008 09:41

My Dh went away for a weekend to a festival. No strippers, no lap dances. Apparently it was the best stag do that he or any of his mates had been to. Strip bars are not a given or a requirement for a stag do.

EyeballsintheSky · 12/11/2008 09:45

Hello, back for a few minutes...

Interesting replies. I don't think she has thought about the possibility of other people's stags. She said his defence was that everyone he knows does it, so it's very likely this will come up again. It's hard to advise as I can't put myself in her position. DH would absolutely hate it and wouldn't go.

He works in tv production and 99% of the time works on standard stuff but at the moment is working on a prog for channel 5 which I think is about the sex industry. She watched a few minutes of it and was totally disgusted and they had a big row. So you're right, it is a bigger issue but I don't think even she knows what that is.

She's going to talk to him properly this weekend....

OP posts:
colacubes · 12/11/2008 09:47

Take her to a lap dancing club buy her a dance, its the not knowing that causes all the trouble, let her see what goes on, and she will probably have a better understanding of it being as sexy as wet toast!! Honestly.

You can go during the day, and the girls wont mind who they dance for, they are at work, its just a job.

Go and have some fun, see what all the fuss is about.

GivePeasAChance · 12/11/2008 09:47

She is NBU.

Strip club, read brothels.

It is gross and makes me want to vom.

However, DH has been to them and can't 'stop' it, so no right answer here. Depends how strongly she feels about it. I happen to feel pretty strongly about it, but still it has occured !

MrsTittleMouse · 12/11/2008 09:51

I wouldn't be thrilled about him watching a stripper, but would put up with it. I've seen documentaries about Las Vegas though, and the strippers do all sorts of stuff during private "dances" that I would be most unhappy with. Does the fiance have the strength to resist peer pressure if he's drunk and they buy him a dance and "they're all doing it"?

southeastastra · 12/11/2008 09:54

ew no nbu

'It's a pretty sad state of affairs if he can't pass up watching other women being exploited for someone he is obviously professing to love.' hear hear!

pamelat · 12/11/2008 10:12

It would bother me and DH knows this so he would not go.

I think that if "percy" knows "marge" feels so strongly about it then he should not go.

Its all a bit 1980's to go to strip clubs on stag dos anyway?

It would make me question whether he was who I thought he was (by wanting to go) but then I am a bit weird about things like this /insecure.

tonton · 12/11/2008 10:16

I found out 4 years after I got married that DH had been taken to a lapdancing place.

I was upset, because I think they are exploitative and demeaning to women.

YANBU.

ellenjames · 12/11/2008 10:20

Haven't read posts but i think she is being unreasonable as it's only for fun.I also think it shows maybe a lack of trust, which is no good if ur getting married. I personally think it is less likely something will happen in a strip club,where security is rife, then in some dingy club!

ohIdoliketobebesidethe · 12/11/2008 10:21

i don't like my dh going but he has been on other people's stag dos and tells me all about it after. I would much rather it was like that between us than if he thought he had to hide it.

OTOH I would have been very upset if he had wanted to go on his own stag do.

But more importantly than all that Marge has let him know very clearly how she feels about it and it nearly caused them to split. For Percy to now think he can risk upsetting her again over it makes me very worried about his attitude.

roobarbschmoobarb · 12/11/2008 10:23

I'm very tempted to advise the same as colacube....i have found them ridiclous/amusing/slightly sad rather than threatening but thats here and i have no experience of Las Vegas strip joints.

However if she is so very upset by the idea, i think her future husband should probably be taking her (very strong) feelings into account and from that perspective she INBU

BitOfFun · 12/11/2008 10:39

I don't think that's insecure Pamelat. I hate the idea myself, and would wonder why he would be so fixated on doing it when've knows it upsets her. If she asks him why he wants to go so badly, try and find out if it's about "not being dictated to", rather than "desperate for a final boys' night of ogling". Both are a bit ridiculous IMO.

If it's about putting his foot down and not being controlled, how far will he take that in their marriage? Should he roll in when he feels like it, or have drinks with female friends that Marge knows fancy him? At what point point does he acknowledge that although he has a right to do whatever he pleases, it's not likely to make for a happy marriage riding roughshod over your partner's feelings.

As for the "final fling" excuse- it doesn't really hold water, especially if they all just keep going to each others' stag do's, then expand it to going on Malcolm from accounts' do too when they run out of mates. Isn't it a bit old-fashioned and offensive anyway to think that your youthful sex drive is killed stone dead by marriage, and that a man must mourn it's passing? It will die much faster if your wife feels undermined and disrespected!

One final point, why does he want to spend their wedding money on such an expensive trip? I would expect the honeymoon to cost less! What's wrong with a track day and a night on the beers?

I would be seriously questioning the wisdom of marrying someone so blasé about upsetting me, and I would tell him to go to Vegas with his mates, but he wouldn't be coming to Venice with me afterwards, because i just couldn't feel the same way about him.

Blinglovin · 12/11/2008 10:57

I was thinking that while I don't understand why it's such a big deal for her, if it is a big deal, she should expect him to respect that...

But then you mentioned the sex industry piece he's doing for work and that she had a row with him about it? I think your friend has some more serious issues around sex etc if even having her partner, who works for a broadcaster, working on a sex story is going to upset her. I think she should figure out why she feels so strongly about all this and then perhaps she can explain it so that he understands and respects her wishes better.