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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to object to fiance going to a strip club for his stag do

107 replies

EyeballsintheSky · 12/11/2008 08:06

Firstly, I am writing this on behalf of a non MNetter friend who has heard about your wisdom. My DH will testify I have no need for a fiance at the moment!

Right, friend (let's call her Marge) has been with this guy (let's call him Percy) for over a year, they think the sun shines out of each other, totally loved up etc. So they are talking about getting married and he pipes up that for his stag do, he and a group of friends want to go to Las Vegas to the strip clubs.

Marge has a real problem with this, to the point of it making or breaking the relationship. I know not why but she finds the whole thought of it totally disgusting. She has absolutely no problem with Percy going off to L.V and getting pissed blah blah it's just the idea of the strip club.

Percy knows how she feels, as he confessed in the early days that he had been there before he met her and she nearly left him then but she managed to put it in the past.

He thinks it's is his last splurge before settling down and there is no harm in it. She thinks that he is wrong for gong ahead and doing something which would upset her so much that there may not be a need for a stag do. It's the only fly in otherwise perfect ointment and she knows that he will be devastated if she ends it but she thinks he won't budge over this. I personally think he will budge if it comes down to it but, what she wants to know is if she is being unreasonable by demanding asking him not to do this.

Wise MNetters, over to you.

(Going out now for a bit but will return )

OP posts:
Bubbaluv · 12/11/2008 11:02

Bling, you don't understand why having your Dh pay to watch a woman masturbate 5 inches from his face is upsetting? Or pay to have another woman's boobs rubbed over his face? I can't see how that is part of a healthy, respectful relationship in amyone's book.

QuintessentialShadow · 12/11/2008 11:02

What does he want:

The Stag Do or the Marriage?

It seems to me that the marriage is taking second place in the discussion. If one party is adamant to step all over the fealings of his partner to do as HE wishes, he is not marriage material (yet) in my opinion.

Personally, I have nothing against strip clubs, or lap dancing clubs. But, the fact that he is so disrespectful to her in his insistence of going, is a big warning sign.

It would be a deal breaker for me if my future dh had so little regard for my fealings and respect for my opinions.

MelT76 · 12/11/2008 11:03

I hate the idea too and think that if he loved and respected her he would take her feelings on it, even if he thinks they are unreasonable and nuerotic, into account. They are about to get married and spend the rest of their lives together, why start it off with a huge disagrement.

If all else fails, tell her to go to Vegas too. The Chippendales are always on in one or other of the hotels!!!

BitOfFun · 12/11/2008 11:04

I totally agree QS- you have got right to the heart of it there!

Bubbaluv · 12/11/2008 11:05

I agree though, she does have bigger issues. Sounds like she's worried he might be enjpying his job a bit too much - and he's certainly not doing anything to chnage that opinion! He can hardly say he's not interested and it's JUST WORK can he?!

pingping · 12/11/2008 11:06

Depends on the club they are going too if its a high class joint like the Wardour or Spearmint Rhinos I wouldn't worry to much about it to much I have been to both and TBH I didn't see any women Masturbating or rubbing there breast in mens faces.

Alot of these clubs your not allowed to touch and if you pay for private dances its the same the dancers get naked but the men are not allowed to touch.

I would be more pissed about the money.

pingping · 12/11/2008 11:07

EITS your friends partner should be more respectful of his partners wishes

Blinglovin · 12/11/2008 11:16

Quite frankly, in the unlikely event that DP landed up at a strip joint, I couldn't care less if he watches a woman playing with herself. I don't for a moment understand why he'd want to, but that's another issue. From what I hear about stag parties of this sort, there's always ONE guy who wants to get in there, pay for the private dance etc etc, but most of the rest stand around, drinking beer while watching naked women dance which makes them feel all naughty and excited, but really, is not a big deal, IMHO.

If I felt that he was ripping out wads of money in a desperate attempt to get more attention, then yes, I'd be uncomfortable I imagine. But being at a strip club and enjoying it doesn't bother me.

Bubbaluv · 12/11/2008 11:17

Pingping, Panorama recently did a program showing that the no-touching rule was pretty universally ignored as soon as you pay a little extra. They showed all the things I described above and more and they went to lots of different types of places. I've been to strip clubs too, but you can be sure we didn't get the stag treatment.

southeastastra · 12/11/2008 11:17

lol at high class spearmint rhinos

ew what a sad state of the world

Bubbaluv · 12/11/2008 11:19

Why are things OK in a strip club that aren't OK anywhere else?

mayorquimby · 12/11/2008 11:20

i don't think she is being unreasonable. and i say this as man who has been to strip clubs a whole...wait for it....2 times before.yep i'm an expert.

all joking aside, even though i would personaly think that to be an over-reaction and a bit out of line, you make your own rules in a relationship.she has made her distaste known from early on so it's not like he has been blind-sided, and now it is up to him to make the decision. my philosophy is you only get one life and no-one else should dictate terms to you of what you should accept in a relationship, that's up to you so find someone with similar values.so if she was against men who smoke/watch porn/go to strip clubs/play rugby/anything else no matter how trivial, as long as she has made her objections known from the off and not moved the goal posts so to speak i don't think she's being unreasonable

Blinglovin · 12/11/2008 11:22

Well generally, I'm the only other naked woman he ever sees

A strip club is a paid for event. A little sad, sure. But you raise a good point - DP going to a strip club without me knowing would annoy me. If it's a little silly boy fun, that's one thing, but if it's something he's doing to get a kick secretly, it's another.

I think intent is important - what is the intent when a man goes to a strip club? And in most cases, I think it's just a little "guy fun". Most of them seem to find it embarrassing, but do it anyway.

mayorquimby · 12/11/2008 11:23

should have also added that i don't think he's beng unreasonable either,just different sides of the same coin.
those saying he's choosing the stag do over her are probably being a little reactionary. if my OH said something like "never play football again" (using a silly exampleto avoid controversy) i would end it with her.
and it would not be because i was choosing football over her, it would be me choosing not to be dictated to or controlled,

Blinglovin · 12/11/2008 11:24

Mayor - well put. I tend to agree with that. DP is a musician - we have musical instruments everywhere and will always need a more or less dedicated room for music. My friends/family sometimes ask me if it bothers me and my response is, "I went into this with my eyes wide open. This is what i signed up for".

pingping · 12/11/2008 11:25

SE seriously if you go to somewhere like Spearmint Rhinos in London its classed as a high class place your see alot of celebs in there and pay alot of money also its not dark and dingy and is a really nice club to go to with good food and wine. I saw an old couple in there having a meal my friend who is in charge of dancers and all secruity there informed that the old couple go there all the time.

Right I know that places like Spearmint Rhino's and The Wardour your not allowed to touch. The Dancers are watched the whole time in them places and can get fired for taking extras from clients in the club.

Out of the club they might do it but defo not in the club and TBH the dancers in Spearmint Rhino's charge you to sit with them and chat to you.

I can't speak for other clubs though and I can imagine if your going to a dodgy backstreet club then its going to be abit rough in there.

Bubbaluv · 12/11/2008 11:29

Pingping, Spearmint Rhinos was on Panorama and they DID do a LOT of touching.

ChukkyPig · 12/11/2008 11:32

I didn't have too much of a problem with DH going to a strip club on a stag when we had just got engaged. I trust him and knew that he would find the whole thing uncomfortable and embarassing rather than get involved IYSWIM.

Then one of my friends fliipantly said "well I wouldn't like it, you're very nieve (sp), they are all prostitutes and the blokes all sleep with them" at which point I got a bit upset (great friend).

When they came back DH told me that 4 of the eight had slept with prostitutes in the strip clubs.

I would still let DH go as it is expected, and I trust him, although I hate the idea. Plus he always really doesn't want to go and would get out of it if he could.

If he was keen to go I'd be dubious IYSWIM. DH didn't go to a strip club for his stag.

mayorquimby · 12/11/2008 11:34

"Right I know that places like Spearmint Rhino's and The Wardour your not allowed to touch."

surely your not allowed to officially touch anywhere in the uk, are you?
would that not amount to prostitution?as i said earlier i've been to a strip club twice and they weren't for me,so i genuinely don't know and would be shocked if there were places that let you touch.

ChukkyPig · 12/11/2008 11:36

The strip club that "Percy" wants to go to isn't in the UK.

Anyway in the UK I suspect there are establishments where the rules are not strictly adhered to.

pingping · 12/11/2008 11:40

Bubbaluv I have danced at Spearmint Rhino's the one in London they are very strict unless the girls are meeting the guys out of the club for sure there aint no touching. all the Private rooms are open and are covered with camera's the only time you see any girls fully naked is in a private room but your still not allowed to touch. Most of the Girls there spend there time in elegant dresses and unless they are up dancing on the stages even when the girls are sitting at the tables they are dressed and they charge the guys to sit with them.

mayorquimby · 12/11/2008 11:42

oh god yeah i'd imagine so. i was just wondering if it was legal to be officially ok with the men/women touching the dancers

zazen · 12/11/2008 11:44

Well you know what they say

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"

AFAIK, never having been there myself, Vegas is like your average run-of-the-mill strip club on meth.
Really there is NO 'just looking'.

I read a wonderful book about Vegas and the Adult industry by Jenna Jameson called 'How to make love like a porn star' - it detailed her life as a stripper in Vegas, and as a Adult actor: dancing and stripping was just the tip of the iceberg for herthis book made the NYT best sellers list, and it's quite a good read.

The main issue however is that the fiancé seems to be intent on doing his own thing, irrespective of her wishes, and that isn't very conducive to marriage.
I think it would be a deal breaker with me tbh. I'd call it off if he went.

ChukkyPig · 12/11/2008 11:45

pingping do you know about vegas? i think that's where "percy" (!) wants to go.

I wish it was a london no-touching club my DH's mates had gone to. I can't look at the ones who paid for sex in the same way. I still like them but at the same time think they're disgusting IYSWIM.

Mind you I suppose the reason that they went where they did (eastern europe) was that they knew the strip clubs would be brothels.

pingping · 12/11/2008 11:45

Chuckkypig which country is it in? I would not be so happy if its out of the Uk places like Amasterdam and Praque live off the sex industary and you can pretty much do anything over there.

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