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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to object to fiance going to a strip club for his stag do

107 replies

EyeballsintheSky · 12/11/2008 08:06

Firstly, I am writing this on behalf of a non MNetter friend who has heard about your wisdom. My DH will testify I have no need for a fiance at the moment!

Right, friend (let's call her Marge) has been with this guy (let's call him Percy) for over a year, they think the sun shines out of each other, totally loved up etc. So they are talking about getting married and he pipes up that for his stag do, he and a group of friends want to go to Las Vegas to the strip clubs.

Marge has a real problem with this, to the point of it making or breaking the relationship. I know not why but she finds the whole thought of it totally disgusting. She has absolutely no problem with Percy going off to L.V and getting pissed blah blah it's just the idea of the strip club.

Percy knows how she feels, as he confessed in the early days that he had been there before he met her and she nearly left him then but she managed to put it in the past.

He thinks it's is his last splurge before settling down and there is no harm in it. She thinks that he is wrong for gong ahead and doing something which would upset her so much that there may not be a need for a stag do. It's the only fly in otherwise perfect ointment and she knows that he will be devastated if she ends it but she thinks he won't budge over this. I personally think he will budge if it comes down to it but, what she wants to know is if she is being unreasonable by demanding asking him not to do this.

Wise MNetters, over to you.

(Going out now for a bit but will return )

OP posts:
Bubbaluv · 12/11/2008 11:46

Mayorquimby, I would have said the same before I saw panorama. It was serioulsy shocking! And I'm not a total prude I promise!

JodieO · 12/11/2008 11:46

Bubbaluv I saw that show and it was an eye opener, I always assumed that went on but to see how every girl did it and put her fanny literally an inch away from the man's face was something else. Also the offers of sex for money and similar was there too. I think some people are being naive when they think it's all above board because it's far from it.

pingping · 12/11/2008 11:47

I have no clue in Vegas why not google it Chukkypig.

ChukkyPig · 12/11/2008 11:48

mayorquimby has this thread altered your view at all re. my other thread and the promotion of working as a stripper/using prostitutes to children in london in the paper?

Bubbaluv · 12/11/2008 11:50

Pingping, I'm not saying that there are no strip clubs that abide by the rules, but there are clearly a large nuber that don't. You should see if you can get your hands on the Panorama special- relly interesting. BTW everything that was done (except the actual prostitution) was done in full view of management and security. Of course, when confronted, management were "shocked" and said the girls involved would be dealt with.

princessmel · 12/11/2008 11:52

dh has been to loads of strip clubs. It doesn't really bother me.(on stag do's etc) But I wasn't too happy when his friend told me where they'd been the night before our wedding. He told me during the photo's! Great timing.

He's had a few 'private dances' too.

I am not overjoyed that he has had another womans shaved fanjo waved in his face but I'll cope.

The only thing that bothered me ,was that they all chose the one they wanted for the dance. And waited for them to walk by so that they could choose them. So seedy!! I knew exactly the type dh would pick and I guessed right.

ChukkyPig · 12/11/2008 11:53

pingping I would imagine it's the same as anywhere else ie you can get whatever you want if you look.

On the subject of the original OP, I would not be comfortable purely because the fiance is so dead keen on going. That he can't take it or leave it would worry me, and I would wonder what his intentions were. I mean if it's just looking at a naked woman at a distance why is it so utterly essential to do it even if it will really really upset his fiancee?

mayorquimby · 12/11/2008 11:56

not particlarly. and i hasten to add my comments on the other thread where not a value judgment on the sex industry but more the fact that you were complaining about an opinion piece and i thought you were giving it too much gravity.

i don't have many strongly held views on the sex industry.possibly because i'm male and possibly because i'm a bit blase/naieve as the problems surrounding it don't affect my life, that sounds terrible to say but it's the truth in the same way many still buy nestle products and wear designer trainers.
i watch porn and hope that the stuff i watch (very mainstream) does not involve people trafficked. i would never visit a prostitute but i have no real problem with others doing so (i would think less of them) but believe that two freely consenting adults should be left to their own devices as long as they don't interfere with others.once again this does not apply to cases of coercion or slavery.

ChukkyPig · 12/11/2008 12:06

It's not one opinion piece though it's two, and no letters were printed about either of them giving a view other than the original piece, which is surely a bit suspicious. Anyway that's for the other thread.

When it comes to female sex workers though surely the whole point is that a significant number are subject to coercion or slavery, or are doing it because they are desperate i.e. it is not a free choice. Of course there are women for whom it is a free choice but by only giving their side of the story it denys the other side of the coin which is a story of exploitation and human suffering.

If I was a man and I went to a strip club/prostitute I don't think I'd be able to enjoy it because I couldn't be sure if the women were there through choice or if anything sinister was going on.

pamelat · 12/11/2008 12:20

I cant believe that 4 of the 8 men actually slept with prostitutes, thats so .

My Dh has been to a strip club once on a stag do. He claims (and I believe him) that it was quite dull. The groom to be wanted to go and he (the groom) and one other payed for a dance, the rest sat at the bar, drank and played pool!!

If I had found out that my DH had a private dance I would genuinely leave him, it would disgust me.

MadameCastafiore · 12/11/2008 12:26

DH went to one in Slovenia on his stag do and I didn't know until he came back - for about 30 seconds I felt a bit grubby but I knew it wouldn't have been his idea and he didn't touch any of the women - he said he found it embarrassing and cringeworthy but the others loved it.

Her attitude points more towards her not having a mature and normal attitude towards sex to me.

ChukkyPig · 12/11/2008 12:31

They are very very normal men, not nasty or weird in any way. I mean, I am a ranty feminist, and I like them. That's what's so shocking I suppose - it's really very common.

pingping · 12/11/2008 13:04

Can I please point out I do not work at a strip club I did dance at spearmint Rhino's when I was 19 but never naked.

Bubbaluv I was not saying that all strip clubs do I can imagaine if you go to Soho or dodgy clubs then yes you most likely will be able to do what you please with the dancers. I was just trying to find out from OP where abouts her partner was going because some of the clubs are not that bad.

beanieb · 12/11/2008 13:13

Been here before.

IMO he should have some respect for the way she's feeling

She, however, should think about why on earth she is worried. it's a strip club, what else does he expect him to do?

Perhaps she doesn't trust him?

pingping · 12/11/2008 13:25

Good point BeanieB and if thats the case then she shouldnt marry him.

dittany · 12/11/2008 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colacubes · 12/11/2008 17:04

Sorry Dittany but I have to say that, a bunch of lads dont have to fly to Vegas to get laid either!! You can get that any where, I would assume its the lad thing of I,m going to Vegas, its a dirty weekend for the lads, yes strippers, yes beer, and yes, gambling, but not getting laid necessarily.

op dont let to many people on here get your mind racing, tell your friend she has to act on her initial gut feeling, if it feels bad then she should tell him. And if necessary it may become a turning point in there relationship.

dittany · 12/11/2008 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colacubes · 12/11/2008 17:19

Dittany I think you are making very big assumptions, and I am glad the op is not the girl in question, she would be bleedin mortified. It is possible to visit vegas without visiting Prostitutes, without cheating!

I am far from naive, and i have to say that you seem to have a very low view of men. Just get em all castrated and have it done with!!

dittany · 12/11/2008 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChillyTilly · 12/11/2008 17:27

For heaven's sakes, Dittany, if they wanted a brothel there are far closer places than Las Vegas!

What a ridiculous assumption to make based on a few facts.

dittany · 12/11/2008 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colacubes · 12/11/2008 17:33

Eh??? That was a confusing statement, at what point did I say ALL men behave like anything, i think this is obviously a topic that gets your blood boiling, whereas I am not as agitated by it as you.

Its not me that describes men (sorry a minority of men) as scummy, or assumes they will visit prostitutes (only in vegas!), that is you, please do not confuse my laid back approach to this subject with your men are cheating scummy gits, or at least the minority as you stated.

I am afraid dittany we will have to agree to disagree, I would like to point out that i know a few men that have visited strip joints, lap dancing bars, and have not shagged anyone, legally or otherwise, so I think that if stats existed your hypothesis would be unfounded.

colacubes · 12/11/2008 17:35

Sorry I should have added a for subtle effect so,

MorrisZapp · 12/11/2008 17:42

My DP went to Prague for a stag and it was full on, strip clubs all the way, with endless prostitutes arguing with him to get him to buy their services.

He says he found it all seedy and depressing and I guess I believe him but if I didn't - how could I prove anything?

One of the older guys on the stag (married) hired a separate apartment so that he could 'take girls back'.

The thing is, it's the pack mentality. These guys are all reasonable, sensitive guys on their own or in twos, but put them together and add the word 'stag' and they all end up pandering to the lowest common denominator.

I trust my DP but I don't like him going on foreign stag do's. Even if just becuase he's so honest about what went on when he comes back and I have to face the cheating guy's wives and partners - not nice.