To think BIL is insensitive for proposing to SIL at my wedding?

[RagingHormone]

Obviously they're not actually in laws yet, but I'll call them BIL and SIL for the sake of this story.

Anyway, SIL is going to be my bridesmaid and she informs me that BIL was planning to propose to her at my wedding! She said she'd told him not to as it would be mean and I agreed and said if she steals my thunder I'll beat her with my bouquet! He's always doing things like this and he called another family member fat to her face and really upset her, she's only 17!

Grrrr.

Then I think you are blaming the wrong person - it is your SIL's brother's wedding. She knows you are not happy with the idea, she can put a stop to it if she wants.

Then he's less of a dick but she's old enough to know better.

TinkerbellesMum: "We do plan on getting married, but as he's still married we're waiting to actually come out officially."
Yes, that's one of the reason I could see that being appropriate - hopefully I mentioned that in my post (Stealth BTW). There aren't many but that's definitely one
I agree (and can't remember if I said this before, getting old you know) a spontaneouos thing would be romantic but a big planned affair?! Tell him to book a date, a venue and invite everyone (and call it an engagement party)

ahh that's better

MorrisZapp the baby was a week old by this point. All of DH's family already knew about the baby. None of family even knew my BIL and SIL (we were in Hampshire, they're all in Kent) and weren't remotely interested.

Bit different if he'd only been born that day, then I suppose it might have been nice.

That would be none of my family knew BIL and SIL (20 mo trying to bash keys)

THose of you whining about 'bridezillas' - wuld you feel it appropriate for someone to do a nafforama staged 'proposal' at, say, someone else's graduation party, or landmark birthday bash? I fail to see why some people have such a problem with the concept that certain events (weddings, big birthday parties etc) are mostly about one or two individuals whose life event is being celebrated. And unless you have previously agreed on joint celebrations, it is actually self-obsessed and rude for someone to decide to spring an attention-getting announcement or stunt that is little or nothing to do with the people whose celebration the day is officially about. Is the guy just too tight to pay for a party (or even romantic dinner) of his own?

exactly sgb
Although I did agree to marry DH at another wedding but we kept it to ourselvesx
ahh by my own logic I was engaged then
What a hypocrite!

i dont see the problem with making an announcement at another family gathering. as was said earlier. not many occassiona where all family get together.

graduation is different. it's not a family event.

and yeah they are being tight if they are going to use wedding as there engagement party. but i doubt that. they won get any engagement gifts if they do that

Announce their engagement in the speeches and steal their thunder.

is there anything more stomach-turning than the man who tells you that he is 'going to propose' at some point?

yuck I SO agree

are they 13?

Do people really have engagement parties and expect presents? Wow. Must rush along to the Royal Worcester closing down sale and stock up on china...

SPB, when I saw my post mentioned I was worried what it was going to say! I do get slightly paranoid when posting that I'm Whispers: with a married man as I've had some abuse about it online They've been separated for 6 years and we've only been together 4 so I don't think it would be a big deal to go official now, but I don't want to complicate things for him. A nice big party when he gets a divorce will be great!

I'm not sure I would be happy about someone getting engaged at my wedding, I'd worry they were getting carried away with the mood.

TBH when I wrote that the scenario I had in the back of my head was one partner away in the forces - agree to get married but don't "get engaged" until back together. What a soppy old romantic I am! But yes, in your case although you can be together you can't consider marriage until he's divorced so although you have agreed to married, you aren't engaged.
Whew - bet you're glad to have the PolarBear seal of approval! ANd yes, I think 2 years gap is quite long enough to assume that his marriage was over

My dh and I got engaged the day before my best friend got married. We lived abroad and had travelled back to my home for the wedding. Dh wanted to ask me there because he thought it was romantic and because he could ask my Dad formally. However, we didn't tell my best friend until the morning after the wedding because I wouldn't have stolen her thunder for the world! Actually, she's lovely and she told me I was being silly not to have said anything but I still wouldn't have done it.

At my cousin's wedding several people got engaged during the wedding meal. It was seen as a romantic occasion-enhancing thing and obviously the bride and groom were prepared and happy with it.

I think if someone had asked to do it at mine and it had been friends of mine I would have felt it added an extra something to my day. If I didn't like them, it would be a different matter...

Yanbu, it is bang out of order. You are not a bridezilla. Announce it yourself in the speeches if they insist on doing it. Plus I am old but -- announcing that you are proposing? And (yes I am really old) engagement party and presents?

Can someone confirm this for me. Do people actually give engagement presents?

I had never heard of engagement presents until I got engaged and got lots of presents

I did not have, and have never been to, an engagement party.

it's quite common in scotland. cant speak for anywhere else

I'm late to the thread, but it seems lazy to me. LIke he (the proposer)understands that hte day should be special, extraordinary in some way,but is too lazy to create or organise his own specila day so he hitches his wagon on to somebody else's day.

But it depends on how you feel about the people involved. If it was friends you really loved and you really wanted the to get married and they just happened to kind of have 'the chat' at your wedding and end up engaged, you'd be delighted for them.

bluesky, I give engagement presents to nearest and dearest and to those who have parties but not as a general rule. Much like bday presents really, I spose

My best friend recently got engaged and it was all very awkward for me because she was actually in the process of dumping him (I was supporting her in this) when he proposed, and she said yes.

I had to go from 'oh my god yes, he's so not right, yes, you are doing the right thing, it hurts just now but you'll move on etc etc' to going 'oh right! er, great! hurrah!' - it was a total cringe.

I didn't send a card or anything - I felt so confused and odd about it. But everybody else rained down cards, champagne, and presents on them until I felt really awful about it all and wished I'd just given them a card at the beginning.

Anyway, they then had a party 'to let our friends meet each other' which turned out to be an engagement party in (thin) disguise, again with presents, champagne and flowers galore. Again, I turn up with beer and crisps and feel like I have hideously misjudged yet again. Aargh!

Anyway, roll on the wedding. Even I know how to behave and what to bring to one of those!

(sorry, the point of all this was to say that yes, people do very much give engagement presents, even to edgy urban types who would have laughed at the concept until they got the 'diamond fever')

MZ - how bizzare!