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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting a little bit fed up with a friend who...

107 replies

beforesunrise · 08/11/2008 10:34

she's one of my oldest and closest friends, a bit neurotic, but aren't we all, but a good girl really and i love her. but she is starting to seriously annoy me and i want to talk to her about it before i snap one day and damage our relation.

basically she's my age, 32, v beautiful, fabulous career which makes her tons of money, just got married and dh makes even more money- they are in the process of buying a mansion in Surrey virtually mortgage free. so far so good, am happy for her, i have made different choices and have a different life but that's not what grates me.

every time the topic of children comes up, she always says: 'yes, dh wants children, and i do too, just not now'. when i ask her, well, if not now when, it becomes clear she doesn't actually want them, she starts saying how she doesn't want to stop working even for 5 months because she doesn't want to hurt her career, how she doesn't want to damage her perineum in childbirth, how she doesn't want to get stretch-marks and have her boobs sag and her tummy all wrinkly, and breastfeeding revolts her (she doesn't even want me to breastfeed my dd in front of her because she finds it distasteful- i tell her she's crazy and do it anyway!) and she loves her sleep too much etc etc.

to me these sound selfish and stupid reasons not to have kids, sure we are all scared of having kids but you just get on with it don't you? she is in the lucky position of being able to afford live-in help if she wants to so it can't possibly be that bad. moreover (and ithink that's what really grates me) all of the above has happened to me- career stalled, perineum damaged (thankfully now fixed), saggy boobs, wrinkly tummy, no sleep in 3 years etc etc. so i am starting to get a little bit pissed off that she seems to think it's ok to slate my life constantly and thoughtlessly, tbh none of the above is a big deal, my dds are beautiful, but still it annoys me as i think she is judging me a little bit for my frumpy clothes and unmanicured hands and (proudly) battle-scarred body kind of thing.

personally i think she needs help- no one loves their body so much that she'd rather not have children to preserve it intact. but do i just tell her this- or tell her to stop banging on about it as my patience is wearing thin- or say nothing and let her talk on?

thanks if you've read so far...

OP posts:
TurkeyLurkey · 08/11/2008 10:38

I think it just sounds like she's not cut out for having kids and fair enough some people aren't. Plenty of people have fulfilling lives without kids around.

Leave her be and don't bring it up as a topic of conversation.

nancy75 · 08/11/2008 10:39

some people just dont want children, i dont really think she is having a go at your life and i think you are being abit pushy, what does it matter to you when/if she has kids?

Original poster
beforesunrise · 08/11/2008 10:41

i think it would be absolutely fine not to want to have kids, but it would be tragic if she was lying to her dh about- i know he wants them and he wants them soon.

OP posts:
IAmNotHere · 08/11/2008 10:41

I think she is incredibly rude and disparaging to you. YANBU to be upset - her bf comments I find particularly shocking. Good for you for telling her she's crazy - perfectly put imo

My question this: suppose she just, plain and simple, doesn't want children (perfectly valid choice imo, doesn't make you wrong or selfish or in need of help) and can't bring herself to admit it? It sounds to me like she is looking for reasons, why she can't, rather than come out with "I don't want to have children."

If she starts next time, say to her "Well if you don't want children, fair enough, but you're being very rude about my choices you know you big twit."

numptysmummy · 08/11/2008 10:42

Wouldn't mention it to her again. Perhaps the whole idea scares her and her comments about her body etc are just bravado. Just be there if/when she changes her mind.

MaureenMLove · 08/11/2008 10:44

I think if its upsetting you, what she is saying, you need to set the record straight. You don't need to harp on about how wonderful having children is, but just explain that, it may not be her life choice, but it is yours, and her description of a mother is rather rude and even a bit hurtful.

Cupofteaplease · 08/11/2008 10:46

I think part of the problem may be that you are asking her, 'well if not now, when?'

Perhaps if you didn't ask, she wouldn't give you such honest answers. At the end of the day, who DOES want the effects of children that she has cited? I know I am jealous of my friends who haven't yet had children and still have perfect figures etc. But that is life, I am a jealous person anyway and I have learned to get over it. In all honesty, you do come across as jealous, even if that is not your attention. Sorry if that hurts.

BTW, I made the mistake of asking my dd1's Godmother when she will be starting a family (as they married the same year as dh and I) and she relpied quiet honestly that right now they are 'enjoying the good life.' At first I was offended, as if my life wasn't a good life in her eyes, but then I realsied that I shouldn't have asked. After all, she may have been TTC since their wedding night for all I know. Could this also be the case with your friend?

FiveDollarShake · 08/11/2008 10:50

It sounds to me like she's not interested in having children. Maybe she's saying all these things regarding career, body etc as a way of justifying herself if you're bringing up the topic all the time. She doesnt need to justify her decision to not have children.
I dont think she's selfish at all. She would be selfish however if she had children just for the sake of it and got a 'live in help' to look after them like you suggested.

colacubes · 08/11/2008 10:53

So what, its her body her life her choice, reverse it, what if she asked you when are you going to start looking after yourself better instead of looking after the dc. Or when are you going to buy a bigger house, she would be out of order to judge you for your life as you are for judging hers.

And if it helps my best friend is exactly the same, money holidays, having stuff nipped and tucked, but thats what she wants, I want my dc.

Each to their own.

RubySlippers · 08/11/2008 10:56

leave her be

she doesn't need help because she doesn't want the same things as you

as a PP said maybe it is bravado, maybe it isn't

the thing is though, as long as her and her DH are happy with their choices that it all that matters

i can see why you may be feeling under attack though, but if you are happy and comfortable with your life choices then try to ignore it

HelensMelons · 08/11/2008 10:57

I think it's hard being friends with someone and suddenely your lives take different directions.

It sounds to me that perhaps your friend doesn't want children -which is fine - we are all different. Or possibly, she does want children but, underneath all the 'gloss' is terribly frightened that she actually won't cope. The only way you will find out is if you ask her.

If she doesn't want children she is perhaps frightened to open up to you - because she may perceive you as 'supermom' - you can cope with everything!even if you don't feel like it!

It's a tricky one but maybe an honest talk - of if not, keep this subject 'off' limits.

sandcastles · 08/11/2008 11:01

Maybe she is afriad of what people will say, to just come out & say "I just don't want children" so uses all the excuses she can!

I doubt she needs help for knowing she doesn't want children! It isn't a punishable offence!

And as for 'banging on about it" YOU say you ask her when she is having children...if you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions!

Original poster
beforesunrise · 08/11/2008 11:02

thanks guys.

i dont bring it up, she does. which is why i think it's an issue for her. as you've all said, not wanting children is a perfectly valid choice- but i think she is struggling to iunderstand what she wants, and it's almost as if she expects me to say- yes, it sucks, look at me i am a mess, dont have'em! which obviously i won't.

i

OP posts:
HelensMelons · 08/11/2008 11:04

Is is about her needing reassurance then, do you think?

TheCrackFox · 08/11/2008 11:04

I don't see the big deal, if she doesn't want DCs then it is her choice.

TBH I am not massively keen on my stretchmarks, wrinkly tummy, saggy boobs, damaged perineum etc. My career has been ruined aswell and going without sleep nearly killed me.

Let's face it, a lot of the things that happen to mothers aren't really the best advert for having DCs.

sandcastles · 08/11/2008 11:08

'yes, dh wants children, and i do too, just not now'. when i ask her, well, if not now when

You ask her to elaborate tho!

pinkdelight · 08/11/2008 11:11

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Things are very different when you've had kids and you forget what it's like before all the hormones and unconditional love kicked in. I loved my independent life and would have said I didn't want kids if anyone had asked - especially friends with babies who were converts to motherhood. The decision to have one was a complicated and private journey for me and my dh and then suddenly I'm a mum and the whole thing seems so simple. But your friend isn't there yet, and may never be, so best try to reign in the baby conversations. You seem to begrudge her lifestyle/money and think she has dome duty to have kids just cos she can afford it, but having a kid can be tought whatever your circumstances. And I wouldn't take her at her word when she cites the physical things as being what holds her back. People don't always tell the truth even to themselves about such things. Relax and enjoy your own motherhood, eh?

PussinJimmyWhoooos · 08/11/2008 11:13

My sister (and her DH) do not want kids...but its a very very sensitive topic for sis and she goes very on the defensive with people when they ask her. The problem is, people just don't stop at the reply of 'just not yet', they push for answers and that just results in her getting snappy and making comments about figures, stretch marks etc - I think your friend is doing the same tbh

Sis has been in tears over it all as fed up with the asking from people, but as I've said to her, its her life and her choice. Its selfish to have a child that you will resent just because society is expecting it from you.

As for me - I've gained weight, c section scar, wrinkly tum - the lot. Sis is a gym bunny, designer shoes etc and abs to be jealous of and yet we are both happy to celebrate each others choices and there really is no bad feeling.

Stop pushing and let it go imo

Cupofteaplease · 08/11/2008 11:17

'it's almost as if she expects me to say- yes, it sucks, look at me i am a mess, dont have'em! which obviously i won't.'

This made me lol- simply because after the incident I mentioned with my friend, this is what I now say to my friends without children all the time- 'Enjoy things whilst you can!' I don't mean that I don't enjoy having my children, but SOME things I just cannot do anymore, and that is a fact. Money is tighter, my stomach muscles are not- fact.

Try not to take things too seriously. Yes we all love our dc, but there was life before them and until you've had children, you can be self-centred.

blueshoes · 08/11/2008 11:51

Agree with other posters, don't ask her when she intends to have children anymore. You are probably (inadvertently) pushing her buttons by pressing. If she answers, oh, 2 years' time, the response to that is 'tick tock tick tock' (not saying you would be reminding her of it, but it would be on her mind IF children were on the agenda). Either way, it is not something I would ask anyone. Fair enough, she is your oldest friend, but you shouldn't have to ask her again, once she has made her feelings plain. She could be (unconsciously) insensitive because she thinks she has to get you off her back. Perhaps don't talk about children at all!

sleepyeyes · 08/11/2008 14:11

YABU I quite shocked at how rude you have been to her. To continuously ask when she is having children, it none of your business!
I Imagine you are annoying her by continuously asking.

Not all people want children, and to them its perfectly normal to be disgusted at all the things parenthood entails and worry about the toll it can take on her body, you are being very patronising to suggest she needs help.

avaTsar · 08/11/2008 14:22

I think you are being a bit hard on her too. Who knows, maybe she is wanting a baby but it's not happening yet so she says all that to avoid talking about it.

But also maybe she really just doesn't want to atm. That's ok surely. She's just at a different stage to you.

You may find you have less and less in common for a while and your friendship may cool because of it.

Liffey · 08/11/2008 14:23

I agree with pp. HER choice. You MAKE her feel she has to say all these things by keeping on asking her about children. She shouldn't have to defend her decision not to have a child right now, or ever.

She may get to 38 and think, I'll try for one and if it happens it happens, and if not I accept I took a risk leaving it so late.

This is exactly what a couple of my old friends had suddenly thought at 38. The mysterious age of 38 did it for both of them.

I won't say what happened because that bit isn't relevant here.

MinkyBorage · 08/11/2008 14:28

I bet you piss her off a lot more than she pisses you off.

pamelat · 08/11/2008 14:29

To be honest, all of my friends (without children!) are like this.

I am the youngest (at 30) and most are saying "mmmm maybe one day soon"

The reasons cited are usually weight gain, stretch marks and lack of sleep.

Its their choice. Remember we "judge" from a different perspective post kids as these things are now less important to me, except sleep!!