to be getting a little bit fed up with a friend who...

[beforesunrise]

she's one of my oldest and closest friends, a bit neurotic, but aren't we all, but a good girl really and i love her. but she is starting to seriously annoy me and i want to talk to her about it before i snap one day and damage our relation.

basically she's my age, 32, v beautiful, fabulous career which makes her tons of money, just got married and dh makes even more money- they are in the process of buying a mansion in Surrey virtually mortgage free. so far so good, am happy for her, i have made different choices and have a different life but that's not what grates me.

every time the topic of children comes up, she always says: 'yes, dh wants children, and i do too, just not now'. when i ask her, well, if not now when, it becomes clear she doesn't actually want them, she starts saying how she doesn't want to stop working even for 5 months because she doesn't want to hurt her career, how she doesn't want to damage her perineum in childbirth, how she doesn't want to get stretch-marks and have her boobs sag and her tummy all wrinkly, and breastfeeding revolts her (she doesn't even want me to breastfeed my dd in front of her because she finds it distasteful- i tell her she's crazy and do it anyway!) and she loves her sleep too much etc etc.

to me these sound selfish and stupid reasons not to have kids, sure we are all scared of having kids but you just get on with it don't you? she is in the lucky position of being able to afford live-in help if she wants to so it can't possibly be that bad. moreover (and ithink that's what really grates me) all of the above has happened to me- career stalled, perineum damaged (thankfully now fixed), saggy boobs, wrinkly tummy, no sleep in 3 years etc etc. so i am starting to get a little bit pissed off that she seems to think it's ok to slate my life constantly and thoughtlessly, tbh none of the above is a big deal, my dds are beautiful, but still it annoys me as i think she is judging me a little bit for my frumpy clothes and unmanicured hands and (proudly) battle-scarred body kind of thing.

personally i think she needs help- no one loves their body so much that she'd rather not have children to preserve it intact. but do i just tell her this- or tell her to stop banging on about it as my patience is wearing thin- or say nothing and let her talk on?

thanks if you've read so far...

once again....

thanks everyone (esp the mnetter formerly known as POlar Bear).

i honestly really truly appreciate people's opinions, esp those of people who bother reading through my posts and thinking it through (thanks, littleladylou). as for people who don't read, well, i guess it's still valuable advice although slightly irritating

am now off to start another AIBU thread, so see you there :-)

I can't keep up wth another thread
Littlelady, I agree with lots of your points, but you do ask "why do you care", well I suppose the answer is because the OP keeps bringing it up and seeminly belittling her choices.
Agree though that not havng children is the right choice if you genuinely don't want all those things (or the risk of them)

I reckon as lots have said on here that OP's friend is conflicted about having children and is trying to work this out. Yes, saggy boobs, soft tummy etc are part of motherhood and certainly part of life. I don't think she's having a go at your body btw but it is fact that your body changes, some lucky people have their shape improve after childbirth. your friend is enjoying life, it may be superficial to you but I wouldn't mind a year or so of total gorgeousness and luxury. You have dcs you're happy, what's the prob?

I think you are being a bit sensitive tbh, its how she feels about HER life not yours. If you really wat to know what she thinks of your life as k her you might be surprised.

Remeber though that it may just be thats she scared ( i was) or even having trouble ttc/

Before.. - you may also find this an interesting tale to relate...

I got married at 29 - we decided to wait a year before starting ttc - plenty of time...

So we started when I was 30. Nothing. Eventually got referred, had tests, got onto NHS waiting list for IVF (I know that waiting wouldn't be an issue for your friend, but even so, tests take a long time). Got to the top of the list - got pregnant. M/c at 10wks - d&c - 3 months on with continued visits to the Dr eventually scan and another d&c, 2 wks later started chemo. 4 months of chemo. Not allowed to ttc for 1yr after that. Back on IVF list, managed to conceive ds just before started IVF treatment. So, it took 6 years for us, aged 30, to have children. We wouldn't have waited the year if we'd known. In fact, we wouldn't have waited until the wedding as we both knew that that's what we wanted in the long term. At 30 you think there is plenty of time. But that's not necessarily the case.

If I was her friend I would be turning the tables and asking whether she wasn't worried about timescales etc.

I would also be asking whether she was scared about the whole thing - she seems to be talking herself out of it!

Distance doesn't have to stop your friendship - it will be different, but it can still continue. Better get her to stop effectively criticising your lifestyle though, otherwise that will put paid to it!

I think that people who don't want to have kids should donate their eggs to people who are DESPERATE for kids but just can't because of infertility.
They they would not be "selfish".

I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at, ripeberry. Donating eggs isn't exactly as easy as donating sperm. Why is it selfish to not have kids? Or why should people who don't want kids donate their eggs any more than people who do want kids? You won't run out.