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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want to post on the "For my husband to earn £65,000 per annum and we still can't afford to live"..... thread because it's full???

527 replies

chockywocky · 07/11/2008 21:17

i cant believe its full and and havent had my say.....

OP posts:
Niecie · 09/11/2008 19:30

Twinset - I know what you are saying. I have savings. I have qualifications. It might not be easy if everything fell apart but I would manage.

I am sure some of us do just fall into SAHMing but I think it is wrong to assume that all of us have. (And I am not suggesting that you do).

twinsetandpearls · 09/11/2008 19:32

Common ground ot can be achieved Niecie I agree 100% with that last statement.

First time around I fell into being a SAHM and assumed everything would be rosie and pink forever. I will not make that mistake again.

I have managed to claw my way out of the poverty trap because of my qualifications and having worked in the past.

SheikYerbouti · 09/11/2008 19:33

I got fatter as a SAHM 9giving birth might have had something to do with it) but have got far fatter since returning to work.

Niecie · 09/11/2008 19:34

I seem to remember sitting on my jacksie, eating cake a fair bit at work.

I still have fond memories of the Christmas our department got 6 large tins of chocolates from various happy clients to share between 8 of us. Happy days.

twinsetandpearls · 09/11/2008 19:36

Actually I have just finished icing a huge chocolate cake to take into work tomorrow.

Perhaps I eat cake and get fatter whatever my job status.

needmorecoffee · 09/11/2008 19:36

Twin said 'Do you rely on your dh for your retirement plans?'

hehehe, not at all. He doesn't have a pension!!!

twinsetandpearls · 09/11/2008 19:41

needmorecoffee neither does my dp ( well not one worth bothering about) and I am always nagging him about it. I could not sleep at night without feeling financially secure.

Niecie · 09/11/2008 19:41

Sadly I think the 'Get back to work' diet plan is a bit of a non-starter. I can eat cake anywhere.

twinsetandpearls · 09/11/2008 19:43

I can afford to buy my own cake now as well

needmorecoffee · 09/11/2008 19:48

I don't bother nagging cos its not like he could earn anymore or pay anymore into a pension.

needmorecoffee · 09/11/2008 19:49

oh, you lot and your cakes. ds2 bought a gateua so had to have a peice. Am tunring into a fat stay at home

mabanana · 09/11/2008 19:51

NMC, if your training is in psychology, can you not start offering counselling from home when your dd starts fulltime school? That would fit in with school hours etc, and maybe you could offer people help with stuff you really understand, like being a carer, coping with disability etc?
I think that you, like me, found that autism (aspergers) in your family made f/t work an impossibility? I'd guess that unless you are as rich as David Cameron, say, then it's just very, very hard to work f/t once you have a disabled child. My son has Aspergers, and my bitterest regret is that I went back to work, albeit part time, when he was five months old. I am actually tearful even typing that. His childminder found him really hard work and I don't think she was particularly kind or responsive to his needs, and it breaks my heart to think about it. To me he was my lovely, perfect, heavenly baby, but to her, he was different and difficult. I think he was so unhappy, and I still wonder if it (and his subsequent miserable experience of nursery) damaged him. He absolutely could not cope with after-school clubs etc. It's so easy to make breezy choices if you have money for nannies and regular-issue kids. I do work - I work quite a lot and when my youngest goes to school I will work more, but I don't use any childcare except school and half-days at nursery for my youngest. It's a real struggle, but my dh is a totally committed father and we juggle stuff together.
I think all the taking offence at the slightest thing on this thread is nonsense, if I'm honest (ffs, how can anyone genuinely feel affronted because other people think working in law is boring!) and it is valid to discuss issues such as the importance of financial independence of women, and what young children need etc, and also I do think that people can use their imagination to realise there are different choices that are right for different families.

Judy1234 · 09/11/2008 19:59

I wasn't saying all the stay at home mothers are fat (although if over 2/3 or 50% of the UK female population is fat then I suppose it's pretty likely most of them are and working mothers) but that it is probably more likely that someone a bit depressed at home with just the chdilren for company ends up finishing off children's meals and in her deep depressions eats biscuits all afternoon whereas someone who has to be presentable for meetings and is using her sexuality and looks in her career may end up being a bit stricter with herself about how she looks at work.

On the other hand a stay at home mother who knows she only has her meal ticket husband as long as she looks sexy and keeps him interested perhaps has more incentive to stay fit and look attractive when he comes home from work.

Niecie · 09/11/2008 20:01

I get where you are coming from mabanana. I have a son with mild AS and dyspraxia and working full time would be difficult.

I don't normally mention it on these sorts of threads as I had already been a SAHM for 4 years by the time he got his dx so it isn't relevant to my choice but I think that the sort of career that Xenia is advocating would be impossible. My choices are actually limited by it to an extent if had I wanted to have a big high flying career. DH works silly hours and loves in (on the whole). I don't think our family would work if I felt the need to do the same thing.

needmorecoffee · 09/11/2008 20:01

I did wonder mabanna but I thik I'd need a qualification in counselling, I don't know. To be honest it isn't me and never really was.
Would rather work in the disability field to be honest. But we'll get dd through the next op and see. She goes full time, barring seizures and therapy visits etc, after Xmas. There's this chance to work for the witness support programme. They want disabled people to help disabled witnesses I believe. I'm still pondering it, especially as the one bus that goes from here to that town isn't wheelchair accessible. I'd hate to be so far away if dd had a seizure. Like you said, having a disabled child brings in a lot of complications!
bloody hell, that wind is pounding the house and roaring down the chimney!

needmorecoffee · 09/11/2008 20:03

'and is using her sexuality and looks in her career may end up being a bit stricter with herself about how she looks at work.'

Do women still have to do that even in really well paid jobs? Thats atrocious!
I don't see dh as a meal ticket. I'd be better off on benefits myself to be honest plus I wouldn't have to deal with his stinky socks

Niecie · 09/11/2008 20:04

Xenia - it is a fact that the children who are becoming obese most quickly is those of middle class full time working mothers.

DarrellRivers · 09/11/2008 20:04

Surely financial independence is a good thing for everyone.
My mother wanted me to be financially independent , and even though I am even in supportive relationship, I know if anything happened, I could financially survive it.
If money is tight, getting more money into the household budget by getting an extra job is actually a pretty good way of doing it, sometimes easier than trying to budget. And usually other benefits such as extra money saved for old age as a pension, more money into tax and therefore benefiting others as well.

wrinklytum · 09/11/2008 20:05

Xenia,you are funny

I am a pt worker so fall through the gaps i your argument a bit,I guess,though currently on career break looking after disabled dd and dp

Come to think of it I HAVE put on a few pounds!Blardy hell,back to work for me quick,me feels,to "Ooze sexuality" like John Sargeant (I guess you don't watch SCD,Xenia).Not that the dying people where I work probably give a flying fig about my looks to be honest,more like my ability to deliver their chemo

ready2pop · 09/11/2008 20:07

Right that is it, that is not even worthy of a response . XENIA your narcissism has absolutely no bounds.

mrsruffallo · 09/11/2008 20:09

Hob nob anyone?

needmorecoffee · 09/11/2008 20:12

yes please Mrsruffalo. Need to keep my strength up for servicing my man and slaving round the house. I only have the kids for company you know....

BlueBumedFly · 09/11/2008 20:12

PML Mrsruffallo

Niecie · 09/11/2008 20:25

God my last statement sounds bad. I posted before I finished my point which was basically neither lifestyle choices necessarily makes one more or less likely to be fat. It depends on the individual.

Not keen on Hob nobs - not a biscuit fan. Give me cake any day.

happywomble · 09/11/2008 20:26

Further up this thread there are posts from working mums saying they find it more stimulating to work than stay at home with their very young children. That's fine but isn't it not just a question over whether we want to work or stay at home, from our own perspective, but also a question of thinking of what it will mean to our children?

Yes some days are not that exciting with a baby/toddler but I expect most babies/toddlers are happiest when they are with their parents followed by a close relative.

I have no problem with people working while their children are small if they have to out of financial necessity, need to to stay in their professions, or just want to but I can't see how a baby is better off emotionally by being seperated from its mother and being looked after by a nanny or childminder?

Also people refer to SAHMS doing no paid work for 20 yrs + - I doubt many people plan to stay at home anywhere near this long. Most probably stay at home for either the pre-school yrs, the primary years or a combination of the two.

Therefore there is still time to go back to work and have another fulfilling career and raise money for retirement etc.