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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DH to go away for christmas?

116 replies

highsandlows · 07/11/2008 18:01

Last night DH comes in at 9.45 after having a meeting (at the pub) with his boss.

He walks in and says

"How would you feel if I was'nt here for christmas?"

"Why,where would you be?" I asked

"On a tropical island" he says casually.

Turns out his boss has some jobs coming up over the christmas period in Australia and South America.

His boss said he thought DH would'nt want to go as he has a small family,DD is 5 and DS is 7.

DH's way of thinking was it would be good for him and a travelling experience to tell the children about .
He said the children would be excited about him being o the other side of the world.
At 5 and 7 I'm not sure?

Also he thought the children would'mt mind him not being here and we are not christians and is christmas that important.

We could celebrate a few days later when he got back.
I explained that I would want the children to open presents at the correct time,christmas day so as not to spoli the myth of santa coming in christmas eve.

He has no firm dates when he would be back,could be 3 days could be new year.
He said he was just testing the water with me.
But from what he said it sounds like he has said to his boss his family would'nt mind.

I think the children would mind,especially DS and told him he has had his childhood of christmas's and that this is not about what he wants but how the children would feel.

Of course I got excused of being not open and putting up barriers.

It's just the way he presented to me ,like I will be on a tropical island.{hmm}

Other people could go in his firm who have no children.
I must just say that my parents died a few yeras ago and DH's parents live away and we never get invited for christmas.
So it would just be me and the children.

Am I being totally unreasonable?

OP posts:

constancereader · 07/11/2008 18:04

I would not like this at all.
Will the opportunity to travel there not come up again at a more family friendly time?
yanbu

constancereader · 07/11/2008 18:06

I don't think children would be particularly excited at their father being away at Christmas either. If he had to go then fair enough, but he is being given a choice!

Original poster

highsandlows · 07/11/2008 18:06

constancereader-all depends,it could do.

This year he has been to Russia for 3 weeks ,Greece and Bulgaria.

OP posts:

GrapefruitMoon · 07/11/2008 18:06

Most jobs where people often have to work on Christmas day try to ensure that those with small children are off (at least for part of the day) - I'm thinking of firemen, ambulance drivers, etc. Your dh's trip sounds more like a "jolly" than some front-line service so, no, YANBU.

It sounds a bit odd tbh, more like he wants to be away - are things ok between you?

ForeverOptimistic · 07/11/2008 18:07

YANBU.

Your dh must be on another planet if he can't see that this is totally unacceptable.

Original poster

highsandlows · 07/11/2008 18:09

His boss has given him that choice but I feel DH would like to go as loves travelling.

He has been and lived in lots of different countries so is fairly well travelled.

It just annoyed me his tone when he mentioned the tropical island and he sounded quite selfish and thinking of himself.

It was like he was trying to convince himself the children would'nt be bothered if he went and christmas was not that important to them.

OP posts:

bossykate · 07/11/2008 18:10

He said the children would be excited about him being o the other side of the world.

he is having a laugh! PMSL! of course the children will want him there. they won't give a toss about his "travel experience".

he is being totally U and YANBU.

bossykate · 07/11/2008 18:10

"quite selfish and thinking of himself"

yup, you got it. spot on.

luckylady74 · 07/11/2008 18:13

All that occured to me is that the whole of the western world just about will be celebrating with their family on the 25th and you will have no adult to share the stockings and lovely kid stuff with. I would feel very miserable on my own in that situation - even people on shift work just jhave the celebration at a different time of day.
Could you remind him that childhood is finite and your dc will not believe in fc for ever - moments to treasure and all that.
We're not religious, but we talk with the dc about having festive celebrations to mark the end of the year and focus on how important family, charity and good cheer are!
Could you ask him how he'll think the dc will feel saying 'daddy wasn't there at xmas' to their friends?

catsmother · 07/11/2008 18:13

As you have no other family to accommodate perhaps you could suggest to him that you'd give him your blessing if his firm agreed that you and the kids could go too ..... and then you could all enjoy Xmas Day together, Aussie style, barbie on the beach or whatever, and some winter sun.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable otherwise to feel miffed about his enthusiasm and rather convenient excuses as to why it'd be a good idea for him to go especially when it sounds as if there's no undue pressure from his boss. Sounds more like him being selfish sorry to say.

Original poster

highsandlows · 07/11/2008 18:15

I can understand him wanting to see new places and experiencing them but as I told him the children should come first and other people could do this trip.

His family are not that big on the whole christmas thing where as my family was very traditional about it all.

This is just another example of our different upbringings.

Mine being working class, a father who worked 12 hour shifts all his life and DH's family fairy well off and living in different countries ,private school etc.

We do have varying ideas on family and have argued before on similar issues.

OP posts:

mamaspanx · 07/11/2008 18:15

travel experience??

daddy being away at christmas will be upsetting for your little ones and i9 would feel rather heartbroken...its not the same as having to work on christmas day...at some point he would be at home...either early morning or evening but my 4yr old would be devastated.

what if this offer happens again and again?

Original poster

highsandlows · 07/11/2008 18:17

Just off to make dinner,will be back later to read and reply.

OP posts:

GrapefruitMoon · 07/11/2008 18:21

What is he like with the children in general? Does he spend much time doing things with them? Most fathers would be upset if they had to miss seeing their children on Christmas Day - he seems to be choosing not to spend time with them.

themildmanneredsnotmonster · 07/11/2008 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littleladyloulou · 07/11/2008 18:25

I would ask your DH to explain exactly why it is more important to travel than it is to share it with family

You need to decide your stance pretty quick, because if you don't stand for anything, you stand for nothing - that's the message you are giving to him and he will continue to walk over you. This is not a weekend away before Christmas, this is the other side of the flippin world missing one of the BEST years with your DC's!! 5 & 7 and he doesn't mind missing out on their faces/enjoyment at Christmas FGS!?!? I would be FURIOUS at the casual delivery as much as the news!! go give him some grief girlfriend, what are you waiting for!!!!!

Otherwise you are missing out twice - once because he's not there and secondly because he doesn't care he's not there!

TheCrackFox · 07/11/2008 18:30

My DHs parents decided to go on holiday to Bermuda over Xmas when he was 7 years old. He was palmed off on granny. 30 odd years later it still pisses him off. DS1 is now 7yrs old and DH is at a loss as to why they wanted to miss out on the family Xmas.

If your DHs job depended on it, then fair enough, but he could at least be honest and admit that he just fancies a jolly half way round the world.

ALMummy · 07/11/2008 18:34

My H would have gone too and somehow made me feel like a boring, narrow minded idiot because I had a problem with it, but then he was and is a big selfish twat.

Littleladyloulou · 07/11/2008 18:34

Plus YOU will be the one to continuously explain where Daddy is -

you get the grief and the loneliness do you -

the more I think about this the more I am on your behalf because he has dropped this on you when some DHs would either a) say no to any trip involving Christmas away from the family unnecessarily and not even tell you or b) approach topic with A LOT of care and yes, BEG and GROVEL for your understanding and clemency!!

How the hell has he manipulated you to take this so quietly. I would be gearing up for what's known as a Short Sharp Showdown...

bigTillyMint · 07/11/2008 18:35

My DH would be for the high jump if he even suggested it to me.

Unless we could all go, of course

Bathsheba · 07/11/2008 18:58

My Dad was rarely there for Christmas when I was young, and as such I'm not scarred - it was just explained to me that my dad was working away (oil business) and that he couldn;t make it back for Christmas - he'd phoen us on the day and to be honest I don;t remember minding a great deal - but then I was very used to him being away. What was most important to me wa that we were at home (so Santa knew where we would be) and we still had lots of Christmas traditions that we still did and my Mum made it special for us.

Will this trip in any way further his career - is it one of these thigns that he'll have shown a huge amount of commitment to the business and as such it will actually serve him very well for the future...?

Will he earn a lot of money by going over Christmas...?

If it will help him then actually I don;t see a problem with him going....

If it is however just a jolly and actually won't serve a purpose at all....then I'd say no

solidgoldbrass · 07/11/2008 19:06

I think he is being selfish about this. The DC are of an age where they will be miserable at missing Daddy over Xmas: OK so some fathers (and mothers) have no choice ie service personnel and prisoners etc but it sounds as thougheven your DH's boss doesn't really think it would be reasonable of him to go.

About 10 years ago I was asked to work on Xmas Day, and I did have a day or so of thinking it over and ringing my mother - it was phenomenally good money and, as I said to her, there were (at that point) no small children in the immediate family and no elderly relatives who might be having their last xmas with us, so my mum was cool about me doing it.
I can't entirely blame your DH for wanting a jolly to a tropical island, some people really loathe the UK winter and crave sunshine, but he does seem to be acting as though his family is a bit of an afterthought in his life.

AbbeyA · 07/11/2008 19:08

YANBU. His boss has already assumed that he wouldn't want to go as he has small DCs.
I would give him a choice, stay at home or you all go with him!

BitOfFun · 07/11/2008 19:08

God no, I would tear him a new one in your shoes...the guff about the kids being excited about it is the biggest crock of shit I have heard in quite some time. Tell him how awful you'll feel being a single parent on the biggest family day (days actually) of the year. How can he be so selfish?

PuppyMonkey · 07/11/2008 19:23

He sounds an arse. Maybe you'll have more fun without him... As long as you are allowed to go travelling alone and leave him with the kids for New Year.

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