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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to go away for christmas?

116 replies

highsandlows · 07/11/2008 18:01

Last night DH comes in at 9.45 after having a meeting (at the pub) with his boss.

He walks in and says

"How would you feel if I was'nt here for christmas?"

"Why,where would you be?" I asked

"On a tropical island" he says casually.

Turns out his boss has some jobs coming up over the christmas period in Australia and South America.

His boss said he thought DH would'nt want to go as he has a small family,DD is 5 and DS is 7.

DH's way of thinking was it would be good for him and a travelling experience to tell the children about .
He said the children would be excited about him being o the other side of the world.
At 5 and 7 I'm not sure?

Also he thought the children would'mt mind him not being here and we are not christians and is christmas that important.

We could celebrate a few days later when he got back.
I explained that I would want the children to open presents at the correct time,christmas day so as not to spoli the myth of santa coming in christmas eve.

He has no firm dates when he would be back,could be 3 days could be new year.
He said he was just testing the water with me.
But from what he said it sounds like he has said to his boss his family would'nt mind.

I think the children would mind,especially DS and told him he has had his childhood of christmas's and that this is not about what he wants but how the children would feel.

Of course I got excused of being not open and putting up barriers.

It's just the way he presented to me ,like I will be on a tropical island.{hmm}

Other people could go in his firm who have no children.
I must just say that my parents died a few yeras ago and DH's parents live away and we never get invited for christmas.
So it would just be me and the children.

Am I being totally unreasonable?

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 08/11/2008 11:55

I still don;t think it;s unreasonable of the bloke to have asked his DW - because sometimes, for some people, Xmas is a total drag and PITA and they would rather do it differently or on another day. Thinking that stuff has to be done because everyone does it/your partner wants to do it can be a waste of time if you never talk it through with your partner -you could all have been putting up with boring conformist rituals for years so as not to upset the other person, who was going along with it so as not to upset you.
However, he's asked, she and the DC don;t want him to be away at Xmas, so she should say so, and that should be the end of it.

clam · 08/11/2008 12:12

Well, there's "doing it another way to escape the boring conformist ritual" as a family, or there's buggering off on an unecessary jolly on your own (?) leaving your wife and kids on their own during a national holiday when everyone else in the world is playing happy families. And excusing it by making out the kids would be excited to think of Daddy the other side of the world.
What planet is this guy on??

motherinferior · 08/11/2008 12:22

Christmas is hard work. I mean, even for me - I don't do Christmas dinner (never have: DP does it), I don't write cards, I don't invite millions of relatives round - it's hard work. He's just scarpering and leaving you with it all. Seductive though the idea is, it's not reasonable at all.

PMSL at the idea that the kids would enjoy him being on the other side of the planet. What planet is he on?

motherinferior · 08/11/2008 12:22

X-posted!

clam · 08/11/2008 12:29

I'm all for retaining individual hobbies and interests as a married couple, and not necessarily having to go everywhere as a couple/family unit (except Christenings and weddings, but that's a whole different thread!!), but this is taking the mickey.

Swedes · 08/11/2008 12:29

Have you talked to him about your own plans for a gap year. The children will be so excited on their birthdays to know that you are in Asia, meeting loads of new people.

clam · 08/11/2008 12:32

Please tell us that the idea has been shelved.

kitsmummy · 08/11/2008 12:49

haven't read the whole thread but your DH sounds like a fu*cking arse!

BitOfFun · 08/11/2008 15:22

Swedes, that did make me laugh!

Judy1234 · 08/11/2008 15:56

What troubles me often about some women though is they moan about the husband being out late, going away, being at golf etc but they tolerate and enable it and they don't then do something similar themselves so an unfairness then emerges in the relationship and the father then doesn't get the experience of an entire weekend with the baby, one year old and 3 year old on his own. WHereas what some of these men need most of all is lots of time alone with the children so (a) they see what it is like and (b) they don't end up expecting the woman always to be there.

Ronaldinhio · 08/11/2008 16:08

agreed xenia

cantpickyourfamily · 08/11/2008 16:25

xenia - I completely agree but it took me over a year to work that out, but then dd was bf untill 14months so I felt I had to be around as she would not take a bottle.

If I ever had another dc, they would be taking the bottle once a day as soon as bf is established as I felt so trapped somethimes and felt it was all so unfair....

MadCreamLady · 08/11/2008 16:32

one word - Cock!

33k · 08/11/2008 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 08/11/2008 16:44

It's the basic UNFAIRNESS of the request that bugs me, which is what Xenia was saying, I guess. Would he, for one moment, contemplate such an idea if it were the other way round, as Swedes suggested. But I think some of these scenarios creep up on women sometimes when, as Xenia says, the ground rules aren't set in the early days. There's no way my DH would suggest such a thing - for so many reasons, but mainly because 14 years ago, when we first got together, we laid out some basic expectations. He'd have been met with a firm: "you're having a chuffin' laugh, aren't you, darling?" If you've always had a set-up where he spends all his evenings and weekends out with his mates while you stay in and babysit his kids, then it's not such a big step towards, "oh, and I thought I might nip off to NZ for Xmas." I presume he thought she should be grateful he was going through the motions of asking.

clam · 08/11/2008 16:47

Actually, I can think of one family I know where the idea might work. The DH was brought up a Jehovah's Witness and, although he's not one any more, he's still a bit of hard work at Christmas. I reckon she'd be down that travel agent booking his ticket pretty quick...

LoremIpsum · 08/11/2008 17:07

It's not just unfair, it's odd. As a pp has said, it's not just Christmas in Australia at that time, it's the summer holidays and it would be extremely unusual for any company to run a training programme over that period. Besides which the only international airline based here, Qantas, is still in dispute with it's engineers because it's progressively moving its maintenance programmes off-shore.

And where does the tropical island fit in? Was that just your DH having a joke and referring to Australia as a whole as a tropical island? Or is he planning to pop over to the Whitsundays for a rest over Christmas?

If this were my DH I'd be suspicious as hell because what he's proposing doesn't really add up.

Original poster
highsandlows · 09/11/2008 17:13

Well I brought the sunject up again this morning as he did not mention it again.

I asked if he would be working at christmas and he replied

"No ,it's a non starter"

When I said he seemed quite adament about it on friday and why he had not mentioned it again,he just said
"There are lots of oppurtunities coming up near christmas but I will be spending christmas with my family"

I got the impression from his tone that he was'nt happy about it.

So I said I hope this means he won't be grumpy all over christmas and resent me for it.

He just said

"That's the end of it"

But I reminded him that he made such a big thing about it the other night and I had been worrying about it.

He just told me to let it drop,and did I not understand what he meant by let it drop and I always had to go on and on.

He was quite shouty and abrupt.

I expect it was going to be part work beforehand and a bit of a jolly.
I don't think there is anything suspicious going on just him chucking his toysout of the pram because he will miss the opputunity.

He has been grumpy all day long and on a short fuse and went out at 4pm saying he was going for 1 pint and would be half an hour,still not back yet.

Thinking back to other christmas's I also suspect it has to do with his family and not getting invited there.

His mum is coming over for 3 days at the end of this month to see the children and bring their presents.
She has done this the last 4 years,his dad does'nt come over though.

His sister and brothers go over .

They ring on christmas day and have noticed DH is always moody after their call and feel likes he is missing out.

So probably why he hates christmas.

Remember 2 years ago he took the christmas tree outside at the end of december and set light to it.
He said it was to bre able to get rid of it easier at the dump but I always thought that strange.

It's as if he is sulking about not going to his parents.

We visit them once a year and is always stressful and always feel like we are in the way and the children are being too noisy.

Maybe that's why they don't ask us over at christmas or maybe they think we would'nt want to come.

DH never asks them.

So the children get to see their grandfather once a year and their grandma twice a year.

Think this bothers DH more than he lets on but would never discuss it with me.

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 09/11/2008 17:22

Perhaps you ought to try and get him to discuss the whole Christmas thing. If he isn't happy with the way things are see what he wants to do instead as a family. Any possibility of staying near his family so that you can see them and do your own thing?

clam · 09/11/2008 19:44

Could you not go away together as a family somewhere?

Hulababy · 09/11/2008 19:49

YANBU

No way would I want DH to be away for Christmas especially when it is entirely avoidable. My 6y DD would be dreadfully upset at DH being away. She wouldn't care about him having travel experiences to talk to her about, she would just want daddy to be there at home with her when Father Christmas had been. Mind you I can't ever imagine DH suggesting such a proposal TBH.

clam · 09/11/2008 19:53

So, he's made a totally unreasonable suggestion involving him going away without you for Christmas, you've said no, and now he's sulking about it.
Mature.

Original poster
highsandlows · 09/11/2008 19:54

We could'nt really afford to go anywhere for christmas,which makes his suggestion even more selfish.

Although at the moment I feel like telling him to start walking to Australia now.

4pm he went to the pub for one pint and is still not back,no phone call,nothing.

Sulking in a corner probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
highsandlows · 09/11/2008 19:55

Mature-he should be ,he's 47.

OP posts:
Original poster
highsandlows · 09/11/2008 19:59

Tbh it's been better here without him.
Have been walking on eggshells all day until he went out.
So much so I went in the bathroom for a cry.
Was'nt going to cry in front of him and give him the satisfaction.

He was in his walking round the house looking for things that I have'nt done or places that are untidy mood.

Oh and the disgusted stares!!!!

OP posts: