to not want DH to go away for christmas?

[highsandlows]

Last night DH comes in at 9.45 after having a meeting (at the pub) with his boss.

He walks in and says

"How would you feel if I was'nt here for christmas?"

"Why,where would you be?" I asked

"On a tropical island" he says casually.

Turns out his boss has some jobs coming up over the christmas period in Australia and South America.

His boss said he thought DH would'nt want to go as he has a small family,DD is 5 and DS is 7.

DH's way of thinking was it would be good for him and a travelling experience to tell the children about .
He said the children would be excited about him being o the other side of the world.
At 5 and 7 I'm not sure?

Also he thought the children would'mt mind him not being here and we are not christians and is christmas that important.

We could celebrate a few days later when he got back.
I explained that I would want the children to open presents at the correct time,christmas day so as not to spoli the myth of santa coming in christmas eve.

He has no firm dates when he would be back,could be 3 days could be new year.
He said he was just testing the water with me.
But from what he said it sounds like he has said to his boss his family would'nt mind.

I think the children would mind,especially DS and told him he has had his childhood of christmas's and that this is not about what he wants but how the children would feel.

Of course I got excused of being not open and putting up barriers.

It's just the way he presented to me ,like I will be on a tropical island.{hmm}

Other people could go in his firm who have no children.
I must just say that my parents died a few yeras ago and DH's parents live away and we never get invited for christmas.
So it would just be me and the children.

Am I being totally unreasonable?

So sorry you are having a bad day/time of it H&L.

Do you confront or challenge your DH much?

ie Do you reject the peevish comments about the things you havent' done/places that are untidy? do you ever put him on the defensive (for example, point out things about him that annoy you, pick on him out of the blue for not doing something etc?)

I would get angry I think and have a go at him for being so selfish- make him see what a twat he's being. Hope you have a nice bath and glass of wine later x

I don't really challenge him about jobs around the house.

He just wanders round the house tutting.

I just know when he is one of those moods as everything I say he answers in a different tone and is on the defensive.

His mother is coming to stay soon so expect he is getting on edge about that.

I suggested today about learning to drive as he was complaining that he does all the running around for the shopping etc.

But then he said we could'nt afford it.

Then I just asked what if I look into the costs etc and asked him where I would start to find out about it.

He just said you want to learn to drive look into it for yourself,check the yellow pages,don't go on about it to me.

Can't blame him for finding the offer attractive - but would expect him to try to negotiate a deal where you and DCs can go with him. If he was so keen to go it alone, would be suspicious if it was me (sorry).

It would'nt really be an option for us to go with him as well.

He would go with his boss as he has done on previous trips.

The children are asleep at last but DH still not home.
So can't relax yet as wondering what state he will be in after being at the pub for nearly 5 hours!!!

No! YA definately NBU! I would have been livid. That is soooooo selfish. My DH would never volunteer for Christmas anywhere (forces) and would fight tooth and nail to get out of a situation that would mean him being away from our DCs at that time. Its not about him, its about them ffs.

Have also asked DH about this who says he is a selfish TWAT!

My words exactly to him on ,that it's about the children and they should come first.

Really want to just go up to bed and sleep and forget this awful day but can't until he gets in as will only be lying awake listening out for him.

H&L, if you can, try to make an active decision not to fret about him for the rest of tonight at least.

It won't help/change anything tonight.

I would: have a bath, cup of tea/hot choc/glass of wine, pick a book, go to bed and put the light out. Behave as if he's out til tomorrow so you have all evening to please yourself. Do not deviate from your plan no matter what, so if he comes back whilst you're in the bath, continue your bath as normal. Acknowledge he's come back but busy yourself with doing what you planned. Don't ask him where's he's been, if he's coming to bed etc.

I would let him see that your world/evening does NOT revolve around him thanks very much. Oh and tomorrow - first thing on my list would be to go to the Post Office for a form for a provisional driving licence. Don't tell him what you've done, just apply quietly. When it comes through, go on yell.com, check out driving instructors in your local area and book yourself a lesson. You don't have to commit to an entire course if money is an issue, if nothing else it shows your DH you can and will do things by yourself and you don't need his permission.

His attitude would annoy me so much I would think "Right then Mister - I'll show you! ".

Oh and the DVLA (driving licence people) in Swansea are very nice and will help you if you have any queries about getting a licence

Do you think he is being moody just so you will say " go on then have a lovely trip".

Worth a thought, men play mind games sometimes.

It does sound as if he is making you feel guilty-there is no reason at all why you should.

Erm, if he said he wouldn't go on the trip and then you brought it up again - and again and again - I can sort of understand why he might have got a bit of a sulk on. He wanted to go, obviously, but has chosen not to, he doesn't need his nose rubbed in it forever.

They need to get to the bottom of the problem of why he wanted to go IMO.
He ought to put Christmas with his family as top priority.

He seems to have alot of control in the relationship as he can go for a pint when he likes and stay out for ages. And even tho he moans about doing all the driving he does not want you to learn as he said you can not afford it.

As your children are at school, is there any chance you could get a part time job for the hours they are at school? Or do you already work? If you do not work at the moment that could be a way of getting some money so that you can learn to drive as that will make you more independant, which he probably wont like.

I see from yoru earlier post that his siblings are invited to his parents for Xmas and he and his family arent.

I must admit I would find that pretty depressing if it were me.

I do still think he is being a selfish arse but perhaps theres more to this than meets the eye... could you suggest to him that there might be something nice you can do together as a family at Xmas to make up for his lack of family, something thats he'd like to do and that everyone will enjoy. Sorry you probably already do this, I just suddenly thought how depressing it must be to feel your parents don't want you around for Xmas.

Re driving - agree you should find out about driving lessons yourself. Take some control back - get your family/friends etc to buy you a lesson or two for Xmas/birthday etc.

even selfish arses are human... he has decied not to go (because he knows its really the right decision) but he still feels grumpy about it! I suspect I would too. Doing the right thing doesn't always fill you with joy. Not nice for you but true.