to not want DH to go away for christmas?

[highsandlows]

Last night DH comes in at 9.45 after having a meeting (at the pub) with his boss.

He walks in and says

"How would you feel if I was'nt here for christmas?"

"Why,where would you be?" I asked

"On a tropical island" he says casually.

Turns out his boss has some jobs coming up over the christmas period in Australia and South America.

His boss said he thought DH would'nt want to go as he has a small family,DD is 5 and DS is 7.

DH's way of thinking was it would be good for him and a travelling experience to tell the children about .
He said the children would be excited about him being o the other side of the world.
At 5 and 7 I'm not sure?

Also he thought the children would'mt mind him not being here and we are not christians and is christmas that important.

We could celebrate a few days later when he got back.
I explained that I would want the children to open presents at the correct time,christmas day so as not to spoli the myth of santa coming in christmas eve.

He has no firm dates when he would be back,could be 3 days could be new year.
He said he was just testing the water with me.
But from what he said it sounds like he has said to his boss his family would'nt mind.

I think the children would mind,especially DS and told him he has had his childhood of christmas's and that this is not about what he wants but how the children would feel.

Of course I got excused of being not open and putting up barriers.

It's just the way he presented to me ,like I will be on a tropical island.{hmm}

Other people could go in his firm who have no children.
I must just say that my parents died a few yeras ago and DH's parents live away and we never get invited for christmas.
So it would just be me and the children.

Am I being totally unreasonable?

Dh travels for work. We both lived overseas and travelled a lot before dd. We both miss the travel - especially me as I don't go anywhere!

But absolutely no way would this fly in our house. Your dh really needs to think hard about his priorities. I understand you probably don't want to be responsible for saying no - and why should you be - he should do that himself.

YANBU.

My DH is a paramedic and has had to work the last five Christmas days, and he's only off this year cos he had to shift swap with someone for New Years Eve.

I hate the fact he has to work Christmas, but at least he's home in the evening (about 8pm.....).

It's not just about the kids, it's about you as well.
I would be sad and angry that he feels it's ok to do this and is using flimsy excuses to try and justify it.

I have to go to Poland soon for work, i will be travelling close to Christmas but will make absolutely certain that i am home for the christmas period as i work long hours, frequently have to stay away and feel that my children and my partner deserve my commitment to family life as well as my financial contribution.

I have to add that my dp has recently been an utter tit and has hurt me a great deal, but even he would not contemplate leaving the children and i to have a jolly over christmas.

What exactly does your husband think he is going to be doing on christmas day? Because it won't involve work will it.

How is your relationship in general? How is he in general? Is he normally this selfish?

What does he do?

Australia celebrates xmas and south america is full of catholics so everything will be shut down anyway. Can he do his job with everything shut down and no-one else at work?

I don't mean to be rude but it doesn't even sound true.

He hasn't got a whole other secret family living in the next town has he?

are you sure that this is the whole story?

Sounds like he is taking the piss to me!

how selfish of him

Have you spoken to him since? Do you think he was a bit drunk and carried away by the glamour?

I think he is mistaken about how sad he will feel away from his family on Christmas Day, tropical island or not.

My children's father always worked on and around Christmas day. He's now my ex.

But I suppose if you're not christian it's a bit hyprocritical to be bothered about a religious festival .

Why not suggest he stays home and you have 3 nights in a holiday resort with your friends on 24 - 26 and then if he's happy with that next year he can go on a trip away? That will soon shut him up. Say yes, good plan that you could do with a break and so as he obviously thinks Christmas doesn't matter etc you will book your own trip to a spa somewhere hot and the family with you can do Christmas on 27th and next year he gets his chance. Sounds very fair to me.

Actually, just thought of this. My Dad was in the army and one two christmas he was on tour away and we still to this day talk about how horrible the christmas's were that Dad was not there.

Fine, as long as you can all go with him at company expense

When I lived in Oz it shut down for the whole while time between Xmas and new year. Nobody worked it, you couldn't buy food or petrol.

YANBU. In our house Christmas has been family time and niether DH or I would think of going away on our own at that time. Would it be possible for you and the children to go with him?

i would be fuming if my dh suggested going away on his own for christmas - yanbu

as a mil wife, i would generally have been unsympathetic, (well, sympatheic to a point, but pointed out it was a bugger, but life in a blue/ green suit etc). but, seeing as how it's a choice and all, i'd be tempted to tell him it's fine if you and the dcs go too, but otherwise he can ram it.
i did guffaw at the kids finding it exciting that daddy was swanning around the palm trees with a cocktail while mummy has a nervous breakdown though. mine get excited at daddy bringing them home something (usually delicious) from his travels, but they do still wail 'i want daddy' when he's not here. merry christmas my buttcheeks.
yanbu.

YANBU.

They're non-essential jobs so under no circumstances should he even be considering it.
Your DH may think it's good for him but what about what's good for you?
No, the children won't be excited about him being on the world - they'd be excited if they were!
Not being Christians is irrelevant: presuming you were born and raised here in an Anglican country, you probably just celebrate Christmas culturally rather than religiously. If your DH honestly thought it wouldn't be important, he wouldn't be asking you how you feel about it.

Don't let him put the kids on the spot either. They may put a brave face on it if they think it'll make their dad happy but come the day it'll be too late to change their minds

He says he's just testing the water with you but if it were my DP, he'd be testing my patience. Being open does not = just agreeing to what he wants!

Wow,am surprised at the number of YANBU-

I expected more to say I was being unreasonable.

DH is usually very attentive as far as the children are concerned and is very hands on.

It won't earn him lots of money or further his career if he goes and as some people said would be more of a jolly I expect.

There would be no way we could go to.

He is selfish in some respects.
His time keeping is terrible and he never rings home to say he wil be late.

His job involves running courses for engineers to fix aircraft.

He did say he would be working up to christmas and them maybe travelling back on boxing day.
Although with jet lag expect he would be grumpy and tired when he got back.

I have'nt had a chance to speak to him yet now he has no drink it could be as someone suggested the booze last night glamourizing{sp} it all.

Earlier in the kitchen the subject of christmas came up and I casually said to DS who is 7

"what if daddy had to work away at christmas?"

DS answered

"He would'nt"

He then paused and said

"I would'nt let him"

Very assertive son I have there.

OK, so it's not entirely unreasonable of him to ask you. But given that your DS says he doesn't want daddy to go, and you don't want him to go, then it would be very unreasonable of him to go.

His boss has already assumed that he wouldn't want to go, so it seems crazy to reverse this-it sounds as if secretly he would prefer Christmas in the sun away from you all. I think it is selfish for him to leave you, at an emotive time, when he doesn't have to.

Christmas can bring out the worst in people. Most work for the psychiatrists in my family just after Christmas, year on year and divorce lawyers too. So perhaps ducking out of it and not being together as a family does work for some people as they avoid the strife but if he gets time away in the sun without children then you should get the same time on a similar break.

Why on earth cant they time it so that he goes a little earlier and comes home on the 23rd??

Do you believe him?

I'm in NZ and Xmas marks the start of our summer holidays. Not a lot of work gets done in the week prior to Xmas, and everyone buggers off to the beach for most of January. I expect Oz is similar.

It seems unlikely that any country would consider holding a training course in the days immediately prior to Xmas, especially if it involved asking a UK-based trainer to spend Xmas day in a hotel room or on a plane.

Tell him that you mind.

tell him if he goes you are all coming with him - tell him you will negotiate a dealwith hisboss to all fly economy instead of his buseiness class flight (if he gets business?) and any extar it costs you'll saev upfor.

Of course I don't know if thats feasible but suggesting that you negotiate a family package with his boss should put the wind up him.

Alternatively tellhimthat if he thinks the children are going to beso thrilled about his lovely travel experience that he can tell them and pay for you all to stay in a luxury hotel somewhere warmfor a fewdays oevrXmas.

He is a selfish arse.