Another "child at funeral" rant I'm afraid.....

[auntyspan]

My DD is 2.5 and on Monday her Great Grandfather (on my DH's side) passed away. The funeral is on Wednesday, early afternoon, about four and half hours drive away.

Me and DH had discussed this when GGD passed away, and I took it as red that DD wouldn't be going to the funeral, due to the fact that I feel it's totally inappropriate for a child that age to be at a funeral. It would have been nice for her to go to the wake afterwards, but not worth it due to the length of the trip.

MIL and DH discussed the situation yesterday and now DH wants her to go. I'm appalled that he would put her through such a long car journey (more than 8 hours in total) to use her as an "antidote" to the unhappiness (MIL's phrase) surrounding the funeral party. He is now saying he always wanted her there, but it's only after MIL voiced her wishes that he's been outspoken about this desire to have DD there.

We are actually travelling down to see MIL this weekend too (another long trip, returning on Monday) - this was arranged a while ago and MIL still wants us to come.

It's stalemate, but do I put my foot down and say NO, or do I respect the fact that it's his family?

Yes, I think at funerals little kids are best kept near the back so a quick exit can be made if they start to kick off... as well as being sheilded from overt grief.

A few months ago I would have said let her go, won't do her any harm, blah blah blah. I even got all indignant when FIL told SIL not to take her 3 kids to a funeral of someone she was close to because HE thought it was inappropriate. Spouted off about how no one would tell me if I could or couldn't take my kids to a funeral yada yada yada

Well sadly now I've completely changed my mind. A family member died, someone DH and I were both close to, DH's uncles second wife (DH is extremely close to his uncle). It was very unexpected and a great shock and really floored us all. We were on holiday at the time of the funeral and had no choice but to take the dcs (nearly 4 and 6 months at the time) with us. I wish we hadn't for several reasons. It was very distressing for older son to see me and many others so upset. I wasn't able to go in to the service itself as dcs not old enough to sit quietly, so I still, several months later, don't feel as if I've been able to say a proper goodbye, older son has had nightmares and is now struggling with the concept of death and loss and keeps asking when 'aunty X' is going to be better again. He never saw her that often so I don't believe it would have affected him so deeply had we just told him about her passing rather than him having to witness the funeral and all the grief.

Now IMO funerals are not a place for younger kids, older kids should be able to choose for themselves. If it were me I'd put my foot down and say no.

Having thought about it a bit more, I think its different if its someone they were close to that they need to say goodbye to. Then they need the closure too I think.

But I don't think 'to cheer everyone else up' is a good enough reason.

My dd went to her great grandmothers funeral a few weeks before she turned two.They loved each other and it would have felt strange not to take her.She sang along a bit and I took her out when she got a bit too loud.A couple of weeks ago she went to a neighbour's funeral,(she is 3 and3/4 now)and stayed the whole way through and seemed very glad to be able to say goodbye,put flowers in the grave,very touching.I am all for children at funerals,part of life no?Also I think it really does help other family members to have little lively people to focus on and for that reason alone it can be a kind thing to do.Why not stay overnight for a couple of nights?

I would not take a child to a funeral. In fact I will go so far as to say I wouldn't take a child to a funeral until they are old enough to decide for themselves that they want to attend.

Unless it is one of the child's parents. Then I believe it is necessary.

I have been to a few where children and babies arrive later for the tea afterwards to cheer up the relatives really, usually requested by sadi relatives, does mean a baby sitter has to be found or one parent doesn't go to service or wanders about outside looking at flowers with child/ baby.

i think it is inappropiate for children who weren't very close to the person who has died. for example when my uncle died my cousin's best friend wanted to bring her son. she said why couldn't he come when my ds was going. erm because my uncle knew my ds very well whereas he hardly knew my cousin's friend's ds.

I don't think it is at all unfair for children to go to funerals. My sister died when I was 4 and I went to her funeral, as did my 2 yo brother. I still remember it very clearly, although I don't remember much else about her. I was lucky in that my grandma sat with us throughout, and looked after us while my mum wasn't really able to do so. She also answered all our questions completely honestly and sensibly so it is now just a positive experience.

I would be more wary about taking a child to a funeral of a family member who wasn't particularly close, or to a friend's funeral but there are funerals where it is wonderful to have a child/ children there and it shouldn't do them any harm nless it is handled incredibly badly.

I really fail to see why children should not be at funerals. No, it isn't a nice subject but I dont think it is right to shield from a child what happens after somebody dies.
I did not go to my great grandmothers funeral (I was about 10), I did not go to my nans funeral (I was about 13); both times my parents thought it was easier for us to stay in school/at home. I was totally unprepared for my grandfathers funeral when I was 17.

When I was pg, my husband's great grandfather died, at the wake (and church) there were lots of the great-grandchildren there, it was nice as the wake is a celebration of life, and he did love the great-grandchildren. My MIL's father died when my DD was a few months old, we decided only to go to the wake but there were several children there. It can be a great source of comfort for the children to be there iyswim

I don't think I'd take my child if I were to be extremely upset (dont mnd thems eeing me a bit weepy) or if they're at that age and stage where they will kick up regardless (I wouldn't take ds3 who is 5 but whose Sn make him very toddlerlike in this respect).

Beyond that though I am a firm beleiver in the whole death is a part of life thing, and as long as a primary relative (eg if it were my Grandad who had died, my Mum) hadnt requested no children, then they would go.

Fail to see the problem with taking smnall babies; I took ds2 aged 5 months as my MIL efused to babysiy and obviously my family were all i attendance; I found a sitter for ds1 but that was it. I needed Dh with me. I'd have left if he's woken but above that....?

In think OP that if the presence of your child helps MIL in thsi rough time it would be kind to acquiesce. A long journey won't be anything more than a minor inconvenience.

I think I've posted on this before but anyway - my mum died last year and my sister wanted her 3 DCn there - aged 4.9, 3.3 and 1. My bro then thought his twins had to be there, aged 4.5. This was not a happy set up - as close family, the children were seated at the front, near the coffin. My BIL and SIL were each looking after their own DC, or rather my BIL was trying to keep all 5 quiet as my SIL was not doing anything, even when the 4 older ones were kicking off.

It was very distressing for my Dad to have them whispering, giggling, and playing with wooden toys along the back of the pews in front of them (one of the twins). My sis and BIL were trying v. hard to keep their 3 quiet but bro eventually had to ask SIL to remove her 2 as they were too disruptive.

While some people thought Ahh, bless, my Dad didn't, he was pretty upset by it and tbh, his feelings counted most as far as I am concerned.