Another "child at funeral" rant I'm afraid.....

[auntyspan]

My DD is 2.5 and on Monday her Great Grandfather (on my DH's side) passed away. The funeral is on Wednesday, early afternoon, about four and half hours drive away.

Me and DH had discussed this when GGD passed away, and I took it as red that DD wouldn't be going to the funeral, due to the fact that I feel it's totally inappropriate for a child that age to be at a funeral. It would have been nice for her to go to the wake afterwards, but not worth it due to the length of the trip.

MIL and DH discussed the situation yesterday and now DH wants her to go. I'm appalled that he would put her through such a long car journey (more than 8 hours in total) to use her as an "antidote" to the unhappiness (MIL's phrase) surrounding the funeral party. He is now saying he always wanted her there, but it's only after MIL voiced her wishes that he's been outspoken about this desire to have DD there.

We are actually travelling down to see MIL this weekend too (another long trip, returning on Monday) - this was arranged a while ago and MIL still wants us to come.

It's stalemate, but do I put my foot down and say NO, or do I respect the fact that it's his family?

FAQ but not taking a (two year old) child to a funeral does not constitute hiding them from all grief and emotion.

There can be middle ground - it is perfectly possible to see people upset for all manner of reasons without having to force them to go to gatherings of upset people.

Given the ILs live 4 hours away I imagine it's extremely unlikely this child even has a close relationship with the deceased person here, so why should she be made to go to their funeral? I know that when either mine or my dh's grandmothers die my ds won't be going to the funerals - he doesn't know them, so why should he?

Aunty - I was in exactly the same situation as you a couple of months back. DD was 10 months and DH's GM (whom he was very close to and lived with for some years) passed away. Funeral was 3 hours away (so 6+ hours round trip). Due to DH's work commitments, we couldn't stay over and so had to do the trip all in one day. MIL was very keen to have DD at funeral but I'm afraid I gently but firmly said that I would not be taking DD although in my case DH was in agreement once I explained my reasons.

My reasons for this were that due to the long journey there was a good chance that DD (who has been a very unsettled baby) would be very unsettled and fractious during the service and I would then feel I had to take her out as (regardless of MIL's views that people wouldn't mind), I would feel very self conscious and selfish for allowing her to disrupt things at a time when people are grieving and saying their farewells. The key thing for me was to be there for my HB who was likely to be upset and I wouldn't be able to give him the support and attention he deserved if I had to deal with a fractious baby or take her out.

I would have happily taken her to the wake afterwards had it been local but this wasn't practical due to the distance. On the day, I had to endure several questions as to where DD was and my MIL made a comment as we came out of the funeral service which I had to let go over my head but we still stand by our decision and think it was the right thing to do.

As parents you need to decide what you think is best for your daughter, but it obviously makes it trickier if your DH disagrees. In that situation I guess, I would convey my feelings and hope that my DH could see my point of view but if it was his family's funeral and he was really set on her going then I would probably grit my teeth and go with what he wanted in the end I'm afraid

but as has already been pointed out - the chances of there being overt displays of sadness/crying at the funeral are very slim, most is done before and after (as I mentioned earlier I've played at many funerals - 50+ of them - and only one of those had people that were wailing - twas an odd funeral anyhow, conducted not by any CoE vicar but their own priest - was a Freemasons funeral - most bizarre it was).

I disagree that just become someone is 4hrs away there won't be a "close" relationship - in that case why do my DS's talk so often about Granny and Granddad - and Uncle John?? (the latter being 400 miles away)?

but as has already been pointed out - the chances of there being overt displays of sadness/crying at the funeral are very slim, most is done before and after (as I mentioned earlier I've played at many funerals - 50+ of them - and only one of those had people that were wailing - twas an odd funeral anyhow, conducted not by any CoE vicar but their own priest - was a Freemasons funeral - most bizarre it was).

I disagree that just become someone is 4hrs away there won't be a "close" relationship - in that case why do my DS's talk so often about Granny and Granddad - and Uncle John?? (the latter being 400 miles away)?

I have always taken our children to family funerals.
It has always been fine.
Children are very accepting of most things.

I thought it important that they be there to join with the rest of the family to mark the passing of their loved ones.

Each to their own, of course.
But it is not inappropriate for children to be at a funeral.

DD was 18 months old, DS1 8 and DS2 6 when their great grandmother died. We went down for the funeral but didn't actually go - we went to the beach and threw stones into the sea whilst thinking about her and then were at the house for the wake afterwards. I didn't want DSs to be pulled down by any sadness at the funeral and didn't want DD to be a nightmare. This worked well for us.

When I say pulled down by sadness, I just mean I wanted them to be happy about remembering her IYSWIM. I didn't think they would get anything good out of the funeral and saying goodbye at the beach (which she loved) was perfect.

my ds performed the same role at the same age for mil's father a similar distance away! I'm crazy about mil so didn't mind at all but she wouldn't have asked because she's loathe to ask for things like that. But I think ideally she would leave it to you and not use 'grief-blackmail'!
It's up to you of course but ridiculous you should be expected to go twice ! That is unreasonable of her.
I wouldn't go twice in such a short time!

Auntyspan, I can see where you are coming from. I wouldn't have a problem taking my DDs to a funeral and bringing comfort to grieving relatives but the journey would put me off enormously.

They don't appear to be particularly sensitive to your dd's needs and that would bother me too (my two are a nightmare if they are in the car for more than half an hour!).

However given the circumstances perhaps their insensitivity can be excused on this occasion.

I think taking your dd but not going to the actual service is a good compromise.

Ds was just over 2 when my mum died. We didn't take him to the service, but picked him up from nursery to go the 'get-together' afterwards. And it was actually lovely having him there. He was a sunny little boy, and watching him chatting away to everyone and laughing made everyone feel better.

We didn't have the journey you will, but I do hope all goes well.

ds1 was 5 1/2 when he attended his Grandads funeral (my dad) and I am pleased I took him. He was not an emotional crutch to anyone infact as they lowered the coffin (was a cremation but no curtains) he looked at my mum and I and said "My grandad is not coming back is he Nanna" she replied no Darling and his whole body shook with sobs.

A lot of people said I shouldn't have taken him BUT he said his goodbyes just like the rest of us. Sadly death is a big part of life and we cannot hide it.

Can't dictate to others but I probably would have done.

When ds was only a few weeks old his granddad fell very ill and we thought he might die shortly. I was still too ill to travel, but I knew it would mean a lot to dh if his dad got to see the new baby before he went. So he took him on a 5 hour train journey + walk along the fields with the pram, special baby milk bottles from the pharmacy, then the same journey back again the next day.

I have never regretted it: it meant so much to dh and was really the only way I could help him cope with losing his dad. I think that is one of the many things that has strengthened our relationship- that I listened when something was really important to him.

also, 4 hours travel hasn't stopped our dc's from having a close relationship with relatives. in fact, 5 hrs is the closest we are to any relation, but dc's are close to many of them.

Haven't read the whole thread but I'd just like to tell you of my experience of taking the dcs 3 and 4 months respectively to their ggm's
funeral back in March.

Those of you who said that op was being unreasonable would probably not think so now if faced with the scenario that I'm going to describe.

The journey there was 3 hours, we stayed over at late ggm's with gps. GD was giving tribute speech the next day. Before we all left to go to funeral, ds was making a bit of noise though dh did his best to quieten him. He was already in gd's bad books at this point. DS (3) was asleep at the cremation so no issues there but during the service, he woke up and often he is not in a good mood when he's just woken up from sleep. ds was making some noises, just normal talking volume but dh tried to persuade him to be quiet as gd was about to make the tribute to ggm. However, the more he told him to be quiet, the more wound up he became and finally he let out a piercing scream that echoed through the church. Needless to say that we had to remove ourselves from the situation and we didn't stay for the reception. No one from the family mentioned it to us afterwards though other than bil in private but we were still embarrassed and apologised to gd for ruining his speech.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable for not wanting to take your dc as they can be unpredictable in their behaviour.

Another point that you made was about using your dd as an "antidote" to their grieving. I understand what she means but totally inappropriate and selfish reason in my opinion. If your dd behaved the way that my ds did would she still think so?

I have been to two funerals this year when ds1 was 2.10 and just short of 3. Both friends. Wouldn't of dreamed of taking ds1 to either of them. He would of been upset, wouldn't have understood and would have asked to many questions. Took ds2 both times(now 11 months)

i took ds2 (age 2.3 at the time) to my aunts funeral. i wouldnt have taken him but at that time we had no childcare (ds1 was at school) and i couldnt miss the funeral so took him with me. he didn't really understand what was going on - we stood near the back of the church during the service & at one point he made a bit of noise so I took him out. but he was fine other than that, and my relatives - most of whom hadn't seen him as i hadnt been in contact with them for several years, were all very happy to see him, and no-one suggested he shouldnt have been there.

i think a good compromise - as others have said - would be not to take a young child to the service, but simply to the wake afterwards.

My children have been to all their GGP's funerals and several other members of the family and friends. Most of them live in Scotland and we live down south, so again a long journey. We have always left early while they are still a sleep and had breakfast on the road which they love.

We were visiting my DH's GGP's this time 3 years ago when GGF was dying. We spent several days at the house with him, with the children sitting on the bed and chatting with him. Then he passed away in the night. We took the children off for the day and returned late afternoon when all the official stuff had been done and they went and kissed him and said goodbye. They attended the funeral service, the burial and the wake and were such a delight and reminded us that life did indeed go on and a new generation would always be there.

My eldest was sitting with us tonight as we were remembering his GGF and he remembered all the great times they had playing football and GGF teaching him domino's and how wonderful he was and isn't it a shame he died but how happy he is that GGF is watching over him and is in heaven and one day when he is old they can play football again together.

My children have been to all their GGP's funerals and several other members of the family and friends. Most of them live in Scotland and we live down south, so again a long journey. We have always left early while they are still a sleep and had breakfast on the road which they love.

We were visiting my DH's GGP's this time 3 years ago when GGF was dying. We spent several days at the house with him, with the children sitting on the bed and chatting with him. Then he passed away in the night. We took the children off for the day and returned late afternoon when all the official stuff had been done and they went and kissed him and said goodbye. They attended the funeral service, the burial and the wake and were such a delight and reminded us that life did indeed go on and a new generation would always be there.

My eldest was sitting with us tonight as we were remembering his GGF and he remembered all the great times they had playing football and GGF teaching him domino's and how wonderful he was and isn't it a shame he died but how happy he is that GGF is watching over him and is in heaven and one day when he is old they can play football again together.

Though I have to say I probanly would not want to go up this weekend and then again in a few days and MIL should understand that.

We had no choice but to take our dc to GGP funerlas as they were away from our home and on consecutive days My ds loved the ride in the limo dd fell fast asleep. they didn't have much idea what was going on but sat there looking around at everyone and eatting rasins - to keep there mouths active rather than talking. My ds even came to the front with me and held my hand as I read out a letter to my GG which really helped me get through it. It wasn't ideal but had to be done and hasn't harmed them. And yes they did liven the wake up and give people something to talk about. Both GGP loved children and would have been looking down smiling at them in their Sunday best.

My dad died suddenly in March. At his funeral, 2 of his 10 grandchildren didn't attend. My sisters felt it would be 'too upsetting' for them.

I felt it was disrespectful for them NOT to have been there. He had been a fantastic grandfather to them, and my mum missed having them there too.

I think at times like this, it's really not about silly issues- think about MIL who is grieving, not about how a long car journey will 'affect' your dd (do you never go on holiday btw? When we drive to France we are in the car a darn sight longer than 4 hours at a stretch. Both my children have survived!)

That said, she's your child-do what you want.

When FIL died all 8 of his grandchildren went to the funeral, my two being the youngest aged almost 5 and 1.
I would not take them to a funeral that was not family but when it is a close family member then the children need to be included.
I supported DH and my mum and sister looked after our youngest DS in the service the eldest one sat on my lap.

I really think you need to go and take your daughter, although it would not be unreasonable not to go for the pre arranged weekend visit as it does seem a lot of traveling,

Sorry for your loss

I think it is fine for children to be at funerals, is there any way you can stay overnight to make things a bit easier?
My 3 were brill at their dads funeral, my friend brought her baby who was born the day my Dh died so baby was 9 days old, it was nice to see a new life there and lots of people commented how nice it was to have children there.

Think doing the same journey twice is lunacy but think you should take the LO to the wake at least. My dad died last Oct and my two didn't go to the service (3 1/2 and 9mths) but did come to the wake. They really made my family feel better and gave us a little sparkle in an otherwise miserable day. Just a thought.

sit at the back of the church so she won't be exposed to too much overt grief.

Seems to be a lot more kids at funerals these days. I looked after 4 at one last year and they weren't bothered. Although they got a bit frisky at the end and one threw a ball and yelled 'that's mine'! I was mortified, but the congregation sort of sniggered. And afterward, the kids did lighten the atmosphere a bit. Life goes on and all that.