Another "child at funeral" rant I'm afraid.....

[auntyspan]

My DD is 2.5 and on Monday her Great Grandfather (on my DH's side) passed away. The funeral is on Wednesday, early afternoon, about four and half hours drive away.

Me and DH had discussed this when GGD passed away, and I took it as red that DD wouldn't be going to the funeral, due to the fact that I feel it's totally inappropriate for a child that age to be at a funeral. It would have been nice for her to go to the wake afterwards, but not worth it due to the length of the trip.

MIL and DH discussed the situation yesterday and now DH wants her to go. I'm appalled that he would put her through such a long car journey (more than 8 hours in total) to use her as an "antidote" to the unhappiness (MIL's phrase) surrounding the funeral party. He is now saying he always wanted her there, but it's only after MIL voiced her wishes that he's been outspoken about this desire to have DD there.

We are actually travelling down to see MIL this weekend too (another long trip, returning on Monday) - this was arranged a while ago and MIL still wants us to come.

It's stalemate, but do I put my foot down and say NO, or do I respect the fact that it's his family?

The obvious solution is just dh to go at the weekend, then you all go up for the funeral.

The 8 hour drive thing keeps getting referred to, but that's the full round trip time isn't it? I don't think 4.5 hours is that bad, I've driven many times from central europe to UK - a good 15 hours or so. Not the end of the world at all. In fact, this time lasdt year, I had just driven from Zurich to Kent with the 3 boys. Literally half an hour after we arrived, we got a call from the hospital to say mil had died - we'd travelled up because she eemed to be improving, and instead had to cope with her death. Dh was still at home - I and my 3 dss (aged3, 5 & 7) were there to help fil grieve, arrange funeral etc etc. Not just for the funerasl but a full week. I couldn't shield dc from situation - we were there. But you know, they were ok & fil was tremendously grateful we were there.

TBH I get the impression you just don't want to go and are resentful to be called upon to attend the funeral. Every time anyone suggests something, a solution or an improvement you come back with a "yes but" and a reason why it's inconvenient.

I feel sad for your family tbh. You sound so negative and hostile and it comes across that you're unwilling to put yourself out to support out your dh and his family.

So yabu, but as filz said, not sure why you bothered asking

Ernest have you read my last post?

We took DS1 to his GGM's funeral at a year old. He was fab, and IMO a definite 'antidote' to the unhappiness. He was, I think, the only young child at the service - my MIL is an only child, as is DH. He ran around the church, walked around the coffin holding onto the handles ( but also ) and smiled at everyone. To me that was a symbol that life does go on. To all of those who think that this was innappropriate behaviour for a church, this was a private service and as both my MIL and DH were happy with what went on, I don't really think that the opinions of anybody else mattered much. DS1's GGM had worshipped him (as she did DH and MIL), so it was very right and proper to me that he was there, in his normal state, not as a child hushed in the corner. Obviously if we hadn't been the main family at the service, I would have behaved very differently with him.

I think it would be good to take your DD, but would try and skip the w/e visit. Perhaps your MIL could come to you instead if she needs the company?

ah no, I'm a slow typer with baby on knee, glad you worked something out, hope funeral & scan both go ok

i disagree that you'd feel the same if it was your own grandfather. i think that if it were, you'd be far more open to the idea of your dd being a comfort to your own parent.

my great aunt died last year and my 3yo and 5yo went- as did many other tots. they danced to my auntie's favourite music at the wake. it was a special day. my dds have a clearer understanding of the ' circle of life' now, although i appreciate that 2.5 is young to grasp that idea.

sorry for your loss, herb.

She's going everyone - thread is resolved.

Herb - so sorry for your loss. However I can't see how my putting the comfort and wellbeing of my DD is selfish?

And noonar - you can't possible say how I would feel in certain situation - I'm telling you now if it was my grandfather I would feel exactly the same.

but auntyspan, this is a thread on which people give their opinions. i prefaced my post with the words 'i disagree' and ' i think'. thats what people do on here. we give opinions. of course i dont know exactly how you'd react. the point i was making is that generally people feel slightly differently towards inlaws, than blood relatives.

I think you need to do what's best for your dd. Obviously you are respectful of grieving family members but your dd is too young to be trotted out for their sakes. If she were a tiny baby it might be different as she'd be unaware.
Sadly we are about to lose a very close family member and ds (4) will not be going to the funeral. I don't want him to see everyone upset, and I don't want him asking "where's X?" and being disappointed or upset on top of probably being a bit unnerved by a big gathering of sombre people. Worse, I don't want him to ask someone else at the funeral/wake where X is and get an explanation that doesn't fit in some way with how dh and I are going to explain it to him.

Trust your instinct. All you can do is try and be tactful about how you handle it.

oops missed your post where you said you'd sorted it

I don't think it's inappropriate for a child to go to a funeral, my DS is 3 and he went to his great granfather's earlier this year and my mum's when he was just a baby. My mum would have wanted hom there and I did too. It dodn't upset him, he didn't know what was going on. I really can't see a problem.

I think YABU. I agree that the decision needs to be made by you and your dh and not your MIL, but it's your DH's decision as much as yours. I don't think it's fair of you to say your DH is not allowed to take his dd to a funeral of on of his relatives.

Sorry, loads of typing errors in that last message!

Auntyspan - I guess I just can't see how attending the funeral service would be against your DD's interests. And the grieving family do want her there.

So it would be selfish not to bring her just because you would prefer not to have her there, though I am glad you have agreed a compromise.

i disagree with this 'no kids at funerals' thing, i took dd to my granddads funeral when she was 9 months old, she watched me stand up give a speech there. funerals should be as much about life, as they are about death

I agree with dittany. Using children as emotional crutches for the adults is wrong.

The only reason why children should go to funerals is if it's for their own benefit, i.e. if it's a close family member and the funeral will help that child to understand the concept of saying goodbye and that life continues etc. But to have a child there for the benefit of everyone else is just totally inappropriate IMO.

Children have plenty of time to be exposed to sadness, they will cope with loss in their lives as they grow up, pets/other family members/friends. There is no need to force a child into seeing others grieving.

Haven't read all of this, but if I die, I'd like a full church!! I'd prefer people came than stayed at home because they'd nobody to mind their children and they were afraid that their children might annoy somebody else there, but not obviously the person who'd died.

I personally don't like having small children at funerals - they are too young to understand what is going on and it is distracting, to say nothing of the fact that some people prefer to be allowed to grieve in solemnity and don't want the interruption.

Sad for you that you are in this situation - I would take her to the wake but not the funeral service itself.

yes well having a parent that "hides" a child from sadness/tears/grieving/stress/worry can also have a major impact in their adult life - I know I@m one of them.

A child grows up only seeing smiles and laughter, never exposed to the sadness - then one day their parents decide they're "old enough" to understand and it comes as a massive shock. Can also result in them as adults keeping their real emotions to themselves and putting on a "happy" front - meanwhile inside they're sinking to the depths of depression...