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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another "child at funeral" rant I'm afraid.....

137 replies

auntyspan · 24/10/2008 09:44

My DD is 2.5 and on Monday her Great Grandfather (on my DH's side) passed away. The funeral is on Wednesday, early afternoon, about four and half hours drive away.

Me and DH had discussed this when GGD passed away, and I took it as red that DD wouldn't be going to the funeral, due to the fact that I feel it's totally inappropriate for a child that age to be at a funeral. It would have been nice for her to go to the wake afterwards, but not worth it due to the length of the trip.

MIL and DH discussed the situation yesterday and now DH wants her to go. I'm appalled that he would put her through such a long car journey (more than 8 hours in total) to use her as an "antidote" to the unhappiness (MIL's phrase) surrounding the funeral party. He is now saying he always wanted her there, but it's only after MIL voiced her wishes that he's been outspoken about this desire to have DD there.

We are actually travelling down to see MIL this weekend too (another long trip, returning on Monday) - this was arranged a while ago and MIL still wants us to come.

It's stalemate, but do I put my foot down and say NO, or do I respect the fact that it's his family?

OP posts:

pigleto · 24/10/2008 10:28

I think children should go to funerals. Everyone is saying that it is your decision. But it is a joint decision with your dh and he would like her to be there. The car journey is a long one, but she will bounce back.

My dcs have been to a couple of funerals and weddings. It is part of life.

HolidaysQueen · 24/10/2008 10:29

On the grief thing, I think it is right that DCs are aware of grief but not totally certain about funerals - think it depends on the person and how they handle it. I know I get very visibly upset at funerals so would probably refrain from taking DS purely because I wouldn't want him to see me so uncontrollably upset IYSWIM. My niece and nephew both had conversations with their parents and nana about their grandnan dying and about why that made nana sad etc. so they were both aware of what had happened and the family's grief and saw tears being shed, but she didn't want them at the funeral where she thought she would be uncontrollably upset IYSWIM.

MorningTownRide · 24/10/2008 10:29

OPs daughter is 2. She has her whole childhood to experience crying relatives and general unpleasantness

notpregyet · 24/10/2008 10:29

My DPs grandad died recently and his mum was very upset but the presence of her young grandson was the thing that really helped her through - she had a little cry in the service but there was no dramatic weeping and wailing, DPs nephew wasn't upset at any point and all the older people did all feel a bit better in a 'life goes on, young people are the futre kind of way'

Also, i think it's good for children to know that adults get sad too sometimes.

FAQ · 24/10/2008 10:31

I don't understand the idea of not wanting children to see adults upset either. It's a normal human emotion, and I think if they grow up seeing that mummy/daddy/whoever sometimes cries, as well as laughs and smile then that's no bad thing.

IMO a child that isn't exposed to all of the normal emotions that adults go through finds it a huge shock/very difficult when they're older, and perhaps have their own grief or sadness to deal with.

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 24/10/2008 10:31

But a funeral is not not always unpleaseant. When it is the passing of an elderly relative it can be warming, celebtratory, a chance for relatives who don;t meet to meet again, for children to catch up and run around, to reminise about that person's life as well as to say goodbye.

It can be sad, but also happy and full of joy...

FAQ · 24/10/2008 10:33

I'm an organist, so have played for many funerals, (too many to count now) I have only played for 1 funeral where people were actualy wailing.

Unlike funerals I attended in Zimbabwe were weeping and wailing at every single one, and children of all ages attend all funerals. It certainly doesn't affect their emotional well being.

SilentTerror · 24/10/2008 10:34

We took our 4 DCS to my grandmother's funeral. I t seemed,as a previous poster said,a symbol of continuity,almost the ultmate celebration of her life,to have her great grandchildren there.
Also,as she was 97,it was almost the 'perfect' funeral for them to attend ifyswim,not too sad as a younger or more close relative's would have been.
They lightened the atmosphere,and she would have been so proud and delighted to know they were there

Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 10:34

Yesterday I attended my beloved Uncles funeral and I took my 13m old ds2 I don't think its a bad thing to take children to funerals.

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 24/10/2008 10:35

funerals are not normally wailing grief tho. that normally happens before, and after, but rarely during.

IMHO, funerals, especially those of elderly relatives, are about celebrating their life and seeing the new generation and how the family is growing and changing. It is a time to share stories and actually smile about the love you had with the person who has now gone.

and yes, children are good to have at funerals......they represent the future, which is very comforting for those grieving.

life and death are part of every one of us, and should not be hidden.

Katisha · 24/10/2008 10:36

I'm on the take her side. She is the family future.
My children were at their granny's funeral recently. I wasn't going to take them right to the graveside but they barged through and were first with throwing flowers in.
The do afterwards was fun for them as they saw all their cousins which doesn't happen much.
Funerals shouldn't be seen as toxic occasions - they are necessary to help people grieve.

(In certain ancient parts of my family they still believe women shouldn't go to funerals...)

PenelopePitstops · 24/10/2008 10:40

why doest just dh go for the weekend, and then you drive up tuesday evening?

or get a traina nd all drive back together wednesday

clam · 24/10/2008 10:41

You clearly don't want her to go. Lots on here think your reasons are a bit unreasonable, but they're your reasons. So, don't take her.

But be aware that your DH might be pretty upset about it, and she's his DD too.

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 24/10/2008 10:43

Clam - but she cannot just overrulerher husband. Why should the OP's reasons for her not going be more justified than her DH wantinhg her to go?

IMO there are two parents in the OPs family. Who says that the mother always knows better than the father?

clam · 24/10/2008 10:43

By the way, how would you feel if it was turned around, and MIL had said she did NOT want your DD there, as she would distract people from their grief? Would you feel put out that she was being excluded from a family bonding occasion?
Isn't it nice that the family values her in this way and want to see her?

clam · 24/10/2008 10:44

Pavlov, that was what I was getting at in my second line!

Olifin · 24/10/2008 10:48

We took our DD (aged 3) and 6 month-old DS to their great-grandma's funeral at the request of the close family relatives. I was prepared to wait at the house with the children during the funeral and help prepare food etc. for the wake but my FIL and his sister insisted that they'd like the children there and that their mother loved the children and would have liked them there. We respected their wishes and took the children to the service.

As it happened, DD was a bit restless during the service so I ended up taking her out for some of it but we were present for the hymns and some of the readings.

DD saw people crying and did ask questions but wasn't distressed. We told her that Big Nan had died and everyone was sad about it but that we were celebrating her long life (100 years!)

I agree that sheltering children from life's major events is not necessarily a good idea. The situation would be different if it were the funeral of a young person or someone who'd died in distressing circumstances.

IMO, you are perhaps being a little unreasonable but I hope you are all able to come to a satisfactory resolution to the dilemma and I'm sorry for your loss.

smeeinit · 24/10/2008 10:53

YABVU.your dh's family are grieving fgs,seeing your dd will give them some happiness on a very sad day. wots the problem? a car journey? explaining to dd about death?
i dont get it.....my children have always atteneded funerals,ds1 attended 2 funerals of family members by the time he was 2.

TBH i think your being selfish...would you feel the same if it was your mother asking for dd to go?

spicemonster · 24/10/2008 10:56

Why would you not want people to take pleasure from your child at a sad occasion? I think having children at funerals is lovely. They remind us of the future

spooka · 24/10/2008 10:57

When my grandmother died recently I was adamant that I didn't want dd (5) and ds (2.5) at the funeral. But I was all geared up for them to come with dh to the do afterwards. In the end though, they had impetigo.

KateF · 24/10/2008 10:57

I had to take dd2 (then just under 3) to a funeral. I had not planned to take the children but dh got stuck somewhere in traffic with dd1 and I had to go. Although I was very tearful during the service (it was a very close friend, a second mum to me, who had died) dd2 was not upset by it. She understood that I was sad because P had died and we were saying goodbye. My best friend, whose mother's funeral it was, got great comfort from a cuddle with dd2 after the service. She said her mother had loved my dds and would have been glad to know dd2 was there.
Sorry, that was a bit long but just to say i don't think it necessarily adversely affects children to go to a funeral.

spooka · 24/10/2008 10:59

INcidentally, none of my family were keen for them to be at the funeral service itself.

Original poster

auntyspan · 24/10/2008 10:59

All good opinions.... thanks everyone. It's a good thread as to be honest, I thought EVERYONE thought it was ridiculous taking such a small child to a funeral, so it's good to read the different opinions.

At the end of the day, it's DH family, and he wants DD there and I'm not going to upset him further by saying no. I am not taking DD into the service however, that is something I feel very strongly about.

OP posts:

Katisha · 24/10/2008 11:01

SOunds like a good compromise.

MmeTussaudsChmberOfChocHobnobs · 24/10/2008 11:01

From your last post, it sounds like the thing that bothers you most is that you are supposed to go to see MIL this weekend, so 4hrs in the car on 2 days. Then 8 hours in the car on Wednesday.

I do think that it a lot for a 2yo to deal with. Ours were very used to lots of travelling but even they would be fed up with that.

Could you comprimise, call off the weekend and just go on Wednesday?

You mentioned a scan, I hope it is not anything too serious and that it goes well. Looks like you all have a lot on your plate next week.

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