Another "child at funeral" rant I'm afraid.....

[auntyspan]

My DD is 2.5 and on Monday her Great Grandfather (on my DH's side) passed away. The funeral is on Wednesday, early afternoon, about four and half hours drive away.

Me and DH had discussed this when GGD passed away, and I took it as red that DD wouldn't be going to the funeral, due to the fact that I feel it's totally inappropriate for a child that age to be at a funeral. It would have been nice for her to go to the wake afterwards, but not worth it due to the length of the trip.

MIL and DH discussed the situation yesterday and now DH wants her to go. I'm appalled that he would put her through such a long car journey (more than 8 hours in total) to use her as an "antidote" to the unhappiness (MIL's phrase) surrounding the funeral party. He is now saying he always wanted her there, but it's only after MIL voiced her wishes that he's been outspoken about this desire to have DD there.

We are actually travelling down to see MIL this weekend too (another long trip, returning on Monday) - this was arranged a while ago and MIL still wants us to come.

It's stalemate, but do I put my foot down and say NO, or do I respect the fact that it's his family?

The point is that it is every parent's right to decide if they think that havign children at funerals is appropriate or not.

Not MILs, yours.

"to be paraded in front of a group of grieving relatives "to make them feel better""

You see, that does sound angry and hostile to me. Your daughter is little and won't feel upset, either now or later. The family will draw huge comfort from it. It is about them, not her.

it's not parading to make them feel better
what is wrong with her grandmother having a cuddle with her to make her feel better? christ, how mnay tikes have you cuddled her to cheer yourself up? why do you think there is somethign wrong in that? yes, be concerned about the long journey, the sad service etc but being concerend about her being 'used' for cuddles? now that is unreasonable and a bit wierd and controlling imo

Doesn't it boil down to whether you feel its appropriate for your 2yo to cope with the emotion of the day & seeing members of her family being upset ?

I think YABU, and knowing that your DD's presence would help the grieving family it would only be right to bring her, and stay until Monday if possible, to avoid putting her through two extra, long, car journeys.

Her great grandfather was presumably an elderly man, there might not be visible distress, but if there is you could just tell her, if she does ask, that they are very sad because her great grandad has died. She won't understand.

your original reasons are fairplay, you latest reason is odd parading , really?

I think you've all gone mad. Funerals are part of life and I don't understand why you would think it inappropiate for children not to be there.

Just for clarification, MIL said she wanted DD there as an "antidote" for all the unhappiness. This is what I have issue with.

Of course I've wanted cuddles to cheer myself up etc. My point is that balancing this with a long car journey, either side of the wake. DD is cranky when cooped for up long periods of time and i feel it's unfair on her.

Is there anything really wrong with children being exposed to adult grief? I told my dc that great-grandma had died. She was granny's mummy and granny was really sad. I don't think that's a bad thing for them to know, or see.

Most cultures don't find it inappropriate for a child to be at a funeral.

YABU.

Bloody Hell 'antedote' ? . Is that not what families are for in times of grief! God, why would you not want your daughter to go there and be an 'antedote' for unhappiness?!!! . She is fine for an 8 hours journey. Of course she is...

My young daughter came to my mother's funeral (admittedly only 6 months old at the time) and she was a ray of sunshine in everyones eyes, she broughts smiles when it was not thought possible and my mother would have been over the moon...she made a very tough day much much more bearable.

YABVU.

"MIL said she wanted DD there as an "antidote" for all the unhappiness. This is what I have issue with."

WHY? Surely it is a good thing that your DD could be an antidote to unhappiness. I think that children should be included in funerals, mostly because they are part of the family, but also because of the happiness they can bring.

there is nothing wrong with what you mil has said.

travel at night. when she's asleep.

you are part of this family. dd will not suffer.

My DH's nan died earlier this year. I didn't go to the funeral (was 9 months pregnant and in hospital - DS missed meeting his greatnan by 3 weeks) but DH did. Our niece and nephew (2 and 4) didn't go to the funeral but came to the wake afterwards. DH said that it was wonderful having them there as it was a huge comfort to his mum to have two smiling faces and lots of cuddles from them after she had had to bury her mother, and the wake somehow ended up feeling like a proper celebration of his nan's life because all her family (apart from me) were there and she adored her great grandchildren so it would have seemed wrong for them not to be there.

They weren't at the funeral though, on DH's mum's wishes because she knew she would be too upset and didn't want to upset them. The 4 year old would probably have gone if there wasn't his sister to consider. Coming to the wake was a good compromise and made the day really special, in a weird way, for DH's mum.

Most wakes I have been to have actually been quite upbeat occasions.

I would take her, but only to the wake.

My dhs grandma died last month, and dd and I stayed at my MIL's during the service to sort out the food for the wake while ds and dh went to the service. My children are older though.

I don't think your dd will be used - she will get tons of attention from her relatives. Weddings and funerals are the only times most families see each other.

Also, cant you travel at night so dd will sleep? We have a similar journey to see MIL, but it is one we have always made, and the dcs are fine, and have mostly always been fine - but we used to go in the evening and they would drop off to sleep right away.

I have found that my kids have always been very good in the car because they have gotten used to it - makes driving longer distances for holidays much easier.

Good Luck

YANBU - I'm sure if my 2 year old saw me, dh or mil crying he would be upset.

As has been suggested go to the funerl but take dd to a swing park, have a wander around the graveyard during the service. My 2yo wouldn't sit through a church service (we do go to church - they have a creche)

Have a long weekend with mil instead of travelling up twice.

I don't have an issue with DD "spreading some happiness" generally speaking, of course I don't, but NOT when the circumstances are to her detriment. And after a long journey on Saturday, another one on Monday, and another one on Wednesday, she'll be climbing the walls.
We can't stay longer as DH has a deadline at the end of the week he needs to hit, and I have an anomaly scan on Tuesday morning that I can't move, having rearranged it three times already.

Why is a problem for children to see adults upset? Life is always going to present a range of emotions, you cannot wrap them up in cotton wool.

AQn elderly rel;ative's funeral is really fine to go to with children. It is part of life and is part of what happens in families.

As for the travelling, sometimes you just have to sacrifice things for family. I ravelled ever weekend/every week with my DD from Plymouth to Kent and back again with a quick turnaround to visit a sick relative. I did this for 8 months with my DD, we travelled at night. SHE HAS NOT SUFFERED.

Ach well don't go on the Wednesday.

Surely, mil will inderstand??

its like people who dont argue in front of the children. I can categorically tell you that as a child I used to KNOW and HEAR my parents arguments even though they thought I was asleep