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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want Ds here on the morning of his birthday ??

59 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 15:57

Ds will 6 on 6th December, a Saturday.

Normally he, and his two sisters stay over at their dads on a Friday night, but on the Friday before his birthday I want them to not go to their dads so that Ds wakes up here with me and his sisters and we can all make a fuss of him.

I think that when I tell xp this, he will object, but I just know that he will not make as much fuss of Ds on his special day as I will, and that he will treat it just like any other day.

I have no objections to xp coming round that day to see ds or even him having ds for a couple of hours later that day, but aibu ??

Oh, if I ask ds what he would prefer, I know he will say to be here.

OP posts:

hana · 22/10/2008 15:58

yes I think that's unfair - you can always celebrate on the Fri or Sun

AxisofEvil · 22/10/2008 15:58

Honestly I think YABU. Can't you make a fuss of him when he gets home later that day.

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 15:59

I can yes but tbh I don't see why I should. I do everything for those kids, with xp only ever doing what he has to.

Ds doesn't get on particularly well with xp, mainly because he isn't into sporty things etc, and so xp isn't really interested in ds.

OP posts:

Marne · 22/10/2008 16:01

We always have dh's children if there birthdays land on the day they come over. They always stay at home for x-mas though but we give them another x-mas day on boxing day.

I think YABU

zookeeper · 22/10/2008 16:02

Hi IB - I know exactly where you're coming from. I would let him wake up in yours, make a big fuss and let him go to his dads later.

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 16:03

So ds should miss out on being spoilt, just because it is his dads day to have him ??

Xp will do nothing to make sure his day is special, nothing at all.

If he is here then he will get fussed over from the second he wakes up, have a breakfast treat etc etc.

OP posts:

FAQ · 22/10/2008 16:03

sorry I think YABU. Obviously if this is the first birthday since your ex and you split up I can see where you're coming from....but I still think you could celebrate it later that day (or even another day - DS1 had about 4 "birthdays" this year - 1 here, 1 with exH, 1 for his party, and 1 another day when some friends of mine came over with presents for him and we had an 2nd impromptu party - he loved it

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 16:03

Thank you zookeeper.

I just want Ds to have a lovely day thats all, and I know he will have a nicer morning if he is here.

OP posts:

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 16:05

I am certainly not celebrating his birthday on a different day.

I think the best solution is to let Ds decide.

OP posts:

LIZS · 22/10/2008 16:05

I think he is old enough to be given the choice tbh. Why not broach it with xp first then ask him whcih he 'd prefer. Perhaps he could go to his dad's for the Sat night instead ?

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 16:06

That would be fine with me Liz, although xp might object as I think he goes out most Saturday nights, but I will ask him.

I know ds would rather be here.

OP posts:

mm22bys · 22/10/2008 16:06

YABU on this occassion.

However, maybe in future years you can have an agreement where you take turns as to who has him for Christmas / Birthdays etc. This works really well for my DS and her DSDs. Each Father's Day he has them, and she (the ex - their mother) has them for mother's day.

Is this his first birthday with the two of you apart? I think you really need to sort out some sort of agreement, and not presume he will do nothing.

FAQ · 22/10/2008 16:08

I wouldn't give DS1 the choice if his birthday had fallen on a weekend (when he was supposed to be going to his dads) - even at 8 he's not really mature enough (although generally mature for his age) to make a decision......and then not regret it later (ie if he said he wanted to spend it with me, he'd decide later that day that he wished he'd had the morning with daddy, or vice versa)

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 16:09

I am not presumming, I know. He is one of the most grumpy, miserable men I know, and birthdays, and xmas etc whilst he lived here were a nightmare. He sucks the fun out of everything.

This will be ds's 3rd birthday since the split, but non have been on a weekend before, all on school mornings, where we have had to be up and out, so no special breakfast treat, etc.

OP posts:

Miyazaki · 22/10/2008 16:09

Maybe it is worth giving xdp the chance to get it right and spoil him? I would ask your dp if he wanted to have him first to make a big fuss of his birthay.

Tbh it sounds like you've already decided what you are going to do and that it is ok.

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 16:11

I think your boys get on better with their dad, than my ds with his though FAQ.

They have very little in common and xp makes no effort to be even slightly interested in anything that ds is interested in, or the girls tbh.

Dd2 took 2 dvds with her to watch last week, and xp didn't let her watch either. They watched old sitcoms, carry on films etc again.

OP posts:

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 16:12

Miya, how many chances do you think he should have ?? Ds will be 6 and xp has never got it right yet.

If ds has any noisy toys, he won't be allowed to play with them for any longer than 2 seconds, if he has a dvd that xp isn't interested in, then he won't be allowed to watch it and so on.

OP posts:

Miyazaki · 22/10/2008 16:42

I don't know.

But it seems that you have decided already.

Cheesesarnie · 22/10/2008 16:48

agree with FAQ.
yabu.

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 16:52

No, I haven't decided. I am going to let ds decide. If he says he'd rather be at his dad's then he can go, but if not then he stays here and xp will have to have him later that day.

I may be being unreasonable, but I will choose what Ds wants to do over what xp wants any day of the week.

OP posts:

scaredoflove · 22/10/2008 16:57

you have already decided you are in the right but for what it's worth YABU

You will get many more birthday mornings than he will and he has as much right to enjoy a birthday morning as you do.

He may have been a miserable sod when you were together but you don't know how how he will celebrate with your son, you aren't there any more

You have many many more years of this sort of thing, so suck it up and share. Think ahead to how you want your childrens 18th, 21st and wedding to be...do you really want them to be full of anger and angst? Do want to put that on your kids, cos they will know it one day (if they don't already) Don't ever put them in a place where they feel torn

You chose to have children with this man, so something about him was right once, let him do some of the nice bits parenting

Cheesesarnie · 22/10/2008 17:00

'Don't ever put them in a place where they feel torn'

i agree and i think asking a child that young is unfair on the child.

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:04

scaredoflove - I know more than you think about growing up with parents who can't be in the same room as each other so cannot both be invited to special events.

I haven't and will never put any of my children in the position where that would happen, and make sure I have an amicable relationaship with xp for that reason only.

Xp also has 2 other children from another realtionship and they were at ours on several occasions when it was their birthdays, and apart from handing over their presents, xp treated it like any other day.

I also know, from my children how xp is with them now and it is quite plain to see, that he treats having them as a chore, not something enjoyable.

As I have already said, but no one seems to be taking any notice, Ds doesn't get on particularly well with his dad, and that is not down to ds as he is the child, xp is the adult. Xp has chances twice a week to make an effort with ds and his sisters but never does.

OP posts:

Original poster

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:06

So you would be fine with your child being in a miserable enviroment on the morning of their birthday when there is an alternative ???

If his dad made an effort then I wouldn't have a problem with Ds being there on the morning, but he will do fuck all.

OP posts:

scaredoflove · 22/10/2008 17:08

oh just do what you want to do, why bother asking opinions? you just wanted everyone to join hands in sisterhood way and agree all men are bastards

whatever he has done, he still deserves to parent his kids, in whatever way he chooses (abuse obviously not) and that means he gets some of the special times too

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