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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want Ds here on the morning of his birthday ??

59 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 15:57

Ds will 6 on 6th December, a Saturday.

Normally he, and his two sisters stay over at their dads on a Friday night, but on the Friday before his birthday I want them to not go to their dads so that Ds wakes up here with me and his sisters and we can all make a fuss of him.

I think that when I tell xp this, he will object, but I just know that he will not make as much fuss of Ds on his special day as I will, and that he will treat it just like any other day.

I have no objections to xp coming round that day to see ds or even him having ds for a couple of hours later that day, but aibu ??

Oh, if I ask ds what he would prefer, I know he will say to be here.

OP posts:
Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:10

It wouldn't be a special time though because he wouldn't treat it as one, fgs, did you actually read what I wrote ??

And for your information, I did not expect everyone to agree with me, and agree all men are bastards, so don't be so bloody patronising.

OP posts:
Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:10

Nowhere either did I say all men are bastards, as that isn't what I think anyway.

OP posts:
Cheesesarnie · 22/10/2008 17:12

can you talk to your ex?id discuss with him and say you want it to be extra special as usually school day so all rush etc.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:15

Do you mean ask him to make sure it is a special day ??

Yes I can certainly do that, but I know it will fall on deaf ears.

Only last week, xp had a go at Ds for being 'obssessed' with Star Wars. Ds isn't obssessed with it, it is just his current favourite thing, and because xp isn't interested in it, he tells ds it is rubbish.

I am not interested in star wars either, but I make the effort to listen to ds when he is talking about it, read him relevant stories and let him watch the stuff on tv.

Xp would do non of that because he doesn't like it.

OP posts:
Cheesesarnie · 22/10/2008 17:17

yes.if you dont think he'll understand or do it naturally-spell it out.

compo · 22/10/2008 17:18

your dds will ensure he has a nice birthdy mornign won't they? can't you go over with breakfast stuff and his pressies and all have it together?

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:20

I can ask.

I just feel I will be letting ds down tbh.

I will be letting xp have ds just because I apprently should do, when I know where ds would rather be and where he'd have a better time.

So basically xp's feelings are worth more than ds's then.

OP posts:
Mulanmum · 22/10/2008 17:21

"I am not presumming, I know. He is one of the most grumpy, miserable men I know, and birthdays, and xmas etc whilst he lived here were a nightmare. He sucks the fun out of everything". Which begs the question: why the bloody hell did you have 3 kids with him?

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:23

Mulanmum, mind your own business. Is that what this thread is about ?? No

OP posts:
Cheesesarnie · 22/10/2008 17:24

no his feelings arent worth more but they are worth something.
how would you feel if it was opposite way-it was your day with dc,your ex decided your ds was going to have better time with him and just decided it was his right to have him?i think youd feel pretty pants tbh.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:27

I didn't say his feelings were worthless.

I am on about how DS will feel though, not me.

If ds wanted to spend the entire day with his dad then yes i'd be upset, but I would also let him, as his feelings are my top priority.

As it is, I know that ds doesn't particularly like going to his dads.

OP posts:
scaredoflove · 22/10/2008 17:28

'letting'?? You are both the parents, they aren't yours (and they aren't his) you share them

Us lone parents have to do things we aren't particularly happy with but we chose the fathers and we need parent together. My ex never did washing, ironing or cooking when we were together but I know he does now. how do you know he wont make a fuss of your son?

You need to love the kids more than you hate the father, may not be how you would do birthdays but he and your son have a right to spend it together

if he is as crap as you say, your kids will one day see it for themselves (mine have) Mine still love their dad but are old enough to have discovered his many faults and they accept them and understand some of the hard things I had to deal with. Let them learn for themselves and then no one can turn around and accuse of bitterness

Cheesesarnie · 22/10/2008 17:30

scaredoflove-thats a lovely last paragraph.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:32

Scaredoflove - Do not lecture me, I am not a child.

I am thinking of my ds. As far as I am concerned, xp has had enough chances to prove himself as a dad and has never done it. Why should ds have a miserable birthday just so that I can say I treated xp fairly ???

OP posts:
Mulanmum · 22/10/2008 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Cheesesarnie · 22/10/2008 17:34

Mulanmum-thats really uncalled for!

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:34

I beg your pardon, wtf are you to speak to me like that ?? I don't think |I have ever even spoken to you on here before.

You have no idea what you are talking about.

OP posts:
Cheesesarnie · 22/10/2008 17:36

have reported as personal attack.i dont agree with ib but thats a personal attack and completly uncalled for!

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:38

No it's fine cheesesarnie. She can say what she likes, it is all bollocks.

She obviously has some problem with me that I know nothing about.

OP posts:
more · 22/10/2008 17:40

If your ex goes out every Saturday night does this not mean that you will have the children back in the afternoon/evening though. That means you can spoil him then.

You can't change the dates unless there is mutual agreement between both parents.

You certainly can't just tell him that he wont have the children because this, that or the next thing when the agreement is that he has them on Fridays. Put the shoe on the other foot. Their dad's birthday falls on a day that you have the children, he calls you and tells you that he wants the children that day, how are you going to react.

You can ask but you have to accept the answer.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 22/10/2008 17:42

We don't have a legal arrangement more.

I had to harrass xp for ages before he even agreed to have the kids at all.

If he wanted to have the children on an extra day he could, however he never does. He has also changed days before, and I have agreed.

OP posts:
Blu · 22/10/2008 17:46

ib:
I completely understand why you want him with you - and remember well all the reasonson you split fom exH.

BUT there are two dangers: if you ask ds what he wants - and he says 'stay' and exH disagrees, you will have exacerbated a split between them - AND exH may well then mess you about even more in having them - if you can change a regular arrangement, then so can h, etc etc - and you may well find yourslf without a regular Fri night with a bit of a break.

Could you let them go to their dad's BUT send the other kids with surprises for the morning - party blowers, little treats for breakfast etc. Then pick them all up as early as is possible - 10 seconds after reakfast, and take them all back to your house, which you have decorated with balloons, birthay lunch etc in their absence, so it is a surprise to all of them?

ForeverOptimistic · 22/10/2008 17:48

YANBU! He is only 6, he should be where HE wants to be.

Blu · 22/10/2008 17:48

I suppose you could say to your exH "oh, it's ds's b'day on Saturday - would you like me to keep them overnight on Fri just this once - so that you don't have to contend with the noise, excitement, etc? You could pop over later when we cut the cake, because i know you'll want togive him his present etc" and if he agrees, say 'Ok, it'll be no trouble, just this once'.

more · 22/10/2008 17:50

But did he ask you or tell you that the days needed to be changed?

You are saying that you are going to tell him that he wont be getting the children that day, as far as I can read.

I agree that you should sort this out with ex and not your son.

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