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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to find the whole idea of a maternity nanny wrong?

194 replies

allthegearnoidea · 21/10/2008 16:30

let me put this in context, have limited experience myself and my SIL is one, though from what she tells me I find the whole idea so wrong...

she says that the women she works for 'love their babies but they love their sleep too', that the babies should be in a routine by the time she leaves after 12 weeks, ideally sleeping through.

Now my concerns are that these little babies won't develop really secure attachments to their mums as when they cry in the night they are attended to by a stranger who will disappear in a few weeks time... that 3 months is too soon to expect routine of that kind, that hello- don't have a baby if you want perfect restful nights. It seems to me to go against nature and instinctful parenting. I couldn't have imagined letting someone else go to my crying newborn, my stomach lurched whenevr he cried, I was a fierce lioness over him!

I'm not syaing I'm perfect, who is? Also it's no picninc having a newborn, but why would you want someone else to have precious moments with your little one.

I'm reday for the onslaught and I appreciate that many people use maternity nannies and am really interesed in how it works in real life and why people use them, if it were me I'd have a got a cleaner to do the crappy jobs so that if I wanted to slob in my dressing gown the next day with my son, who cares, all the jobs are done! Let me know your thought/ experiences.

p.s. my SIL is an idiot and does exagerate so apologies if I'm way of the mark here! x

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MrsMattie · 21/10/2008 16:33

Deep down (way way down, in my own private little recesses of my mind) I find the idea (of a maternity nurse...and of sleep training a 3 month old, too, actually) bloody strange.

But really, who gives a shit? (no offence). Whatever gets people through. I'm sure those women are happy with their choices and their kids grow up just fine.

Weegle · 21/10/2008 16:34

my sister had a maternity nanny one night a week for about 2 months - they had twins, she lost so much blood during the birth and ended up back in hospital 10 days after birth with an infection due to retained placenta. No family nearby to help them out. I think it kept them sane and glad they could afford it to lighten the load and HELP them bond with the babies because they were teetering on the edge of breakdowns.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2008 16:35

YABU.

Each to her own.

MrsMattie · 21/10/2008 16:35

Although I was talking to a friend the other day who is a nanny for a wealthy Hampstead type who has just had a baby. The woman is a SAHM who has a FT nanny to look after her 3 and 5 yr old, a cleaner who comes twice a week plus a housekeeper who cooks and cleans on a daily basis -and a night maternity nurse who brings the baby in to be breastfed and then brings him back to his room to burp him, change him and settle him back.

I didn't know whether I should be insanely jealous or think the women is a spoilt loon...?

scorpio1 · 21/10/2008 16:36

YABU

Every woman is different.

notsoseriousanymore · 21/10/2008 16:36

Unless you are being FORCED to have one, then, yes, you are being unreasonable.

I considered one because I was on my own with a newborn.

I don't really get what moral molehill you are on that you feel the need to judge.

thegreatescape · 21/10/2008 16:36

Didn't have a maternity nurse but did consider one. I have epilepsy which is excerbated by lack of sleep. Had massive seizure 3 days post birth and ended up in hospital. Night duties then taken over by DH to prevent recurrance who was cheaper than maternity nanny!

Would consider hiring one if lucky enough to have another baby. I hope it hasn't affected my bond with ds not getting up in the night to him, he does seem to prefer dh but think that's cos dh lets him get away with murder...

Actually, rereading your thread, is it for real? Using inflammatory terms such as 'to go against nature and instinctful parenting' compared to your 'fierce lioness' seems a bit of a wind up.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2008 16:36

The former, MrsM, were it me.

RideEmCowboy · 21/10/2008 16:38

YABU.

It's not for me but I wouldn't judge someone else for doing it. You have no idea what reasons people have for having a maternity nanny. Perhaps they have no family nearby/an unhelpful husband/are struggling and a maternity nanny makes the difference between coping and not.

allthegearnoidea · 21/10/2008 16:39

none taken! I do appreciate that there are some circumstances when people genuinely need that level of support. However that isn't always the case, my SIL works for very well off people where the mums are at home with no other commitments and don't want to do the hard bit, parenting is hard and if you have a baby sleepless nights come with the teritory!

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MrsMattie · 21/10/2008 16:39

lol@expat.

I admit, I had a fleeting moment of jealousy, thinking of that woman wafting around her huge, clean home in non-sick-stained clothes, with the smell of the housekeeper's baking in the air and the happy knowledge that whatever happened, 8 hours sleep was hers for the taking that night...

notsoseriousanymore · 21/10/2008 16:39

Actually, re-reading this thread... I want to say 'jog on' to this one too...

MrsMattie · 21/10/2008 16:41

But very rich people always do things differently@the OP. They have 'staff', darling. They don't deal in the hardhsips of life. I guess getting up every two hours with a screaming newborn is one of those hardships (oh come on - for all the bonding moments it provides, it's knackering, isn't it? lack of sleep definitely contributed to my PND...)

See, now I am defending the filthy rich and their decadent ways. How did that happen?

I need a cuppa!

allthegearnoidea · 21/10/2008 16:41

just my opinion, I'm entitled to that the same as everyone else, I genuinely wanted to know about other people's experiences as I have a skewed view! Yes I probably am being unreasonable and of course each to their own. It isn't for me, which isn't me being on a 'moral molehill', merely just putting my thoughts across

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MrsMattie · 21/10/2008 16:43

You'll find it addictive@notsoserious!

Roughly 99% of threads on MN could be sensibly answered 'jog on', or (my personal fave) 'Oh, FFS, get a grip!'

notsoseriousanymore · 21/10/2008 16:45

WHat's wrong with staff?

It's not against nature, now, is it?

It's not for you. Bully for you. Doesn't mean it's not for anyone else.

I like having staff, FWIW. And I am neither filthy rich or decadent IMHO

LittleOneMum · 21/10/2008 16:45

I think you're been unreasonable too. AND controversially I don't think it's only OK to have one if you have a good reason (i.e. you're on your own, you're ill, whatever). I think that if you can afford to and want to them that's totally fine and I would never judge someone who wanted one. People have different tolerances in life. I have found having a baby VERY hard indeed and although I didn't have a maternity nurse I would seriously consider one. And if that's because I find having a newborn overwhelming then that's my call. Sorry! (but you did ask!) x

MrsMattie · 21/10/2008 16:46

Nothing wrong with staff! I've got a cleaner starting next week (jumps for joy). I would have her coming everyday if I had the money. I bloody hate housework. It's shit.

CountessDracula · 21/10/2008 16:47

I had one

Paid for by my insurance company as I was so ill and was desperate to get out of hospital

She was only there in the day though, for 2 weeks while I got over having had a 12 litre post partum haemmorage, 9 hour general anaesthetic and a lovely stay in intensive care on a ventilator.

allthegearnoidea · 21/10/2008 16:48

Bully for you too not so serious, wanted people's opinions as I have said several times now I don't have any direct experince and of course I respect people's choices and wishes, I don't have to agree with them though

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LittleOneMum · 21/10/2008 16:49

MrsMattie I want someone to come in every day and do my housework too. It smells.

jujumaman · 21/10/2008 16:50

Why should they do the hard bit if they can afford not to?

Richer people can afford to getting out of all sorts of "hard" things, be it waiting for months on an NHS list or queuing in the rain at a bus stop. Why should babies be any different? Many people, myself included, find the newborn days really hard. I am firmly in the jealous category.

fizzpops · 21/10/2008 16:51

I must say I would have loved to have someone bring my DD to me, wouldn't be so worried about the routine bit. Is just that initial having to drag my lazy backside out of bed that I would pay good money to avoid (if I had the money).

I was watching a programme about Norland Nannies yesterday and they were discussing working as maternity nannies and they seemed to emphasise that it would be more for people with twins (or other multiples I suppose)/ medical problems etc which is totally understandable imo.

allthegearnoidea · 21/10/2008 16:52

littleone, I did say earlier on that I do see that some people really do need that level of support. Of course there are circumstances taht really are hard and you need another eprson there who understands about newborns and that you can trust, but really, just to get your beauty sleep as my SIL cites as the main reason for her employment?

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allthegearnoidea · 21/10/2008 16:55

there probably is a part of me that is secretly jealous, but looking back ( maybe with rose tinted spectacles) I'm glad that DH and I did it ourselves and our way. It isn't fun when your up 2, 3, 4... times a night, but if you are otherwise fit and well, isn't that part fo the job description?

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