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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find the whole idea of a maternity nanny wrong?

194 replies

allthegearnoidea · 21/10/2008 16:30

let me put this in context, have limited experience myself and my SIL is one, though from what she tells me I find the whole idea so wrong...

she says that the women she works for 'love their babies but they love their sleep too', that the babies should be in a routine by the time she leaves after 12 weeks, ideally sleeping through.

Now my concerns are that these little babies won't develop really secure attachments to their mums as when they cry in the night they are attended to by a stranger who will disappear in a few weeks time... that 3 months is too soon to expect routine of that kind, that hello- don't have a baby if you want perfect restful nights. It seems to me to go against nature and instinctful parenting. I couldn't have imagined letting someone else go to my crying newborn, my stomach lurched whenevr he cried, I was a fierce lioness over him!

I'm not syaing I'm perfect, who is? Also it's no picninc having a newborn, but why would you want someone else to have precious moments with your little one.

I'm reday for the onslaught and I appreciate that many people use maternity nannies and am really interesed in how it works in real life and why people use them, if it were me I'd have a got a cleaner to do the crappy jobs so that if I wanted to slob in my dressing gown the next day with my son, who cares, all the jobs are done! Let me know your thought/ experiences.

p.s. my SIL is an idiot and does exagerate so apologies if I'm way of the mark here! x

OP posts:
motherinferior · 21/10/2008 19:36

Do people - real people - actually enjoy that bit?

expatinscotland · 21/10/2008 19:36

nor do i, MI, but i'd definitely do staff, if i had the funds .

Twelvelegs · 21/10/2008 19:38

To OP, of course you're not being unreasonable you're expressing an opinion that is very reasonably and apologetically put. I agree with you it is weird, it's affordable by those with money who seem to be saying they are above parenting, if you ask me. Parenting is not about giving your child your breast when hungry it's the whole thing, sleepless nights and all.

motherinferior · 21/10/2008 19:45

Actually I found the sleepless nights just made me intensely miserable and resentful.

ScottishMummy · 21/10/2008 19:47

being a mum isn't a giving things up competition.wearing a hair shirt,martrydom

bit of additional help does not necessarily make one a cold disinterested mum.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2008 19:48

'Parenting is not about giving your child your breast when hungry it's the whole thing, sleepless nights and all.'

Parenting means different things to different people. To some, it means getting sleep to stay sane and if they can afford help to do that, 'tis no business of anyone's, really.

LadyG · 21/10/2008 19:48

I do find it a bit strange tbh-to know someone else was walking around in the small hours with my tiny baby-don't think I'd be able to switch off and go back to sleep-although have had nannies looking after ds in day when working so no logical reason.
However I know a couple of people who have had them and the truth is they look a darn sight better than I do....(10 months til DS slept through DD 3 months so far...) Also they seem to have wonderful bonds with their children as far as I can see.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 21/10/2008 19:49

We would have loved a night nanny, going back to work at 8 days (both slef employed, run own business from home) was stressful as we have a 2.6 year old as well. We have been lucky as by 10 weeks DS was sleeping 10 30 til 6ish so not as bad as could have been.

Anna8888 · 21/10/2008 19:51

CD - ha ha ha finding someone to come when you or the children are not in the house is practically impossible here...

motherinferior · 21/10/2008 19:54

I damn well hope it's not just about giving the baby the breast, as DP's were a bit hopeless in the lactation department.

I didn't have a maternity nurse. I didn't, come to that, have anyone around except my baby's father. I cannot say that this experience has made me a better, finer and more motherly person. It did make me intensely miserable, though, so perhaps I pick up some brownie points for that.

sis · 21/10/2008 20:24

I wish I'd know about the existence of these fine people when I had just had ds - I could have really done with a good nights sleep. I'm sure I would have persevered with breastfeeding if I could just have had a teeny tiny bit of sleep in the first few weeks!

Twelvelegs · 21/10/2008 20:33

The first few weeks are magical though, perhaps I have been ucky in that I thoroughly enjoy every aspect of my babys' first weeks.... when I'm tired or whatever. Their smell is intoxicating. I've had two brilliantly easy babies and one super tough and cannot imagine wanting to hand any of them over to a hired help.

Twelvelegs · 21/10/2008 20:34

lucky not ucky.

jujumaman · 21/10/2008 20:35

scottishmummy

Read the post properly before flaying the OP, her sil works as a maternity nurse, she isn't employing one. Different. She is just interested in opinions, so why shoot her down?

Having said that, I don't get you lot on here saying you can't be a parent unless you suffer. Why can't you join the parents' club unless you have sleepless nights? Really? Why? Obviously I have qualified having not employed an mn, but I don't see how on earth it makes me superior to friends who did - I'm just not as rich as them, or tighter .

If you love newborns as some people obviously do, great. If you find the whole experience the most wretched and discombobulating of your life, as mi and I and many others did, why not pay for some help?

ScottishMummy · 21/10/2008 20:47

yes i misread bits but i still have no problem whatsoever with new mum employing mat nurse.

swottybetty · 21/10/2008 20:48

its not just about having someone to do the tough bits -m its about having someone with far more experience than you to guide you thru those first weeks where its all so bloody terrifying.

my SIL had one and i did not envy her the extra sleep really, or the bringing-the-baby-for-a-feed, but i did envy her the expert feeding support and all the help having an experienced person can bring

hf128219 · 21/10/2008 20:50

I would have jumped at the chance. I remember I was so tired I was almost hallucinating - my dh was in Afghanistan and my parents etc live hundreds of miles away.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2008 20:50

'cannot imagine wanting to hand any of them over to a hired help.'

others can.

to each her own.

ScottishMummy · 21/10/2008 20:51

that sounds really tough

ScottishMummy · 21/10/2008 20:52

that sounds really tough was to hf128219 and her sleep deprivation.move too fast.i type slow

motherinferior · 21/10/2008 21:03

It is terrifying, isn't it. And you're supposed to be so instinctive about it. And the baby is so peculiar and weird, yet so fragile.

It was the feeling that I'd made an ineradicable mistake that was one of the most awful bits. And I couldn't just hand the baby over to Social Services because I also loved her terrifyingly and irrationally.

Magical, maybe not.

notsoseriousanymore · 21/10/2008 21:10

But, surely HAVING support stops you feeling like this motherinferior

I had DS in The Portland and stayed for 5 days. It was def. the nicest way to start motherhood - with help and care and support every which way.

I don't care if some nameless, faceless person feels I should have done it differently. It was perfect for me, and I adore DS more than life itself.

To, I agree, a terrifying amount.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2008 21:12

'It was the feeling that I'd made an ineradicable mistake that was one of the most awful bits. And I couldn't just hand the baby over to Social Services because I also loved her terrifyingly and irrationally.

Magical, maybe not.'

I honestly and truly thought I was the only one who felt this way.

Until I found MN . . .

I felt like I had killed myself, had killed who I was and yet it was worse because I was brought up with an immensely strong sense of duty - you make your bed, you lie in it.

Sorry, but I didn't find it instinctive or magical.

I still don't.

I love my children, but some of us are not 'naturals'.

My husband, by contrast, most certainly is.

He can't bf, however.

And he wouldn't be at all adverse to an entire house full of staff coming into the relieve us.

NotAnOtter · 21/10/2008 21:17

now having a little ponder on this thread... i am from the chcun a son gout school of thought..

i find maternity nurse yes a weee bit unnatural BUT ironically i do NOT love the newborn bit

i loathe breastfeeding

anyone know a good 'wet nurse'?

onepieceoflollipop · 21/10/2008 21:20

Reading through all this I am thinking

  1. Am I too late to get a maternity nurse now? dd2 is 14 months but still sleeps like a newborn and I am still swearing a lot in the night. All the stuff a maternity nurse "does" would be most welcome indeed in my house, even now.
  1. I want to have a whip round for expat and all of those on here who are about to give birth. - well for those of them who would like the idea of a maternity nurse.

Also my dh is far more "maternal" than I will ever be iykwim.

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