to find the whole idea of a maternity nanny wrong?

[allthegearnoidea]

let me put this in context, have limited experience myself and my SIL is one, though from what she tells me I find the whole idea so wrong...

she says that the women she works for 'love their babies but they love their sleep too', that the babies should be in a routine by the time she leaves after 12 weeks, ideally sleeping through.

Now my concerns are that these little babies won't develop really secure attachments to their mums as when they cry in the night they are attended to by a stranger who will disappear in a few weeks time... that 3 months is too soon to expect routine of that kind, that hello- don't have a baby if you want perfect restful nights. It seems to me to go against nature and instinctful parenting. I couldn't have imagined letting someone else go to my crying newborn, my stomach lurched whenevr he cried, I was a fierce lioness over him!

I'm not syaing I'm perfect, who is? Also it's no picninc having a newborn, but why would you want someone else to have precious moments with your little one.

I'm reday for the onslaught and I appreciate that many people use maternity nannies and am really interesed in how it works in real life and why people use them, if it were me I'd have a got a cleaner to do the crappy jobs so that if I wanted to slob in my dressing gown the next day with my son, who cares, all the jobs are done! Let me know your thought/ experiences.

p.s. my SIL is an idiot and does exagerate so apologies if I'm way of the mark here! x

I think a lot more womnen would breastfeed longer if this kind of help was more the norm. Lots of wome ngive up because they are so overwraught with tiredness and exhaustion that it all seems too hard. We all know how much better we cope if we are getting enough sleep.

Pipsy, do you really care what other people think? Do what's best for you and your children and be proud of it. No excuses!

Looking back, help of some sort would have been a godsend. I would not have wanted anyone else breastfeeding DS but I cannot identify with the "nature" and "instinctful parenting" bit. My PND kicked in before I left the hospital and I had NO instincts (none that were useful anyway).

There again, I called in a sleep trainer to help me when DS was still pretty young (had originally wanted a night nanny for a couple of nights, but was put in touch with someone who played a much more active role.

I feel no need (well, alright, that's a lie, I do) to justify what I did but there are those who did judge. Buggerem! I did what I felt was right for DS and for me at the time.

So, my experience was not born out of being rich and cosseted. It was miserable and desperate and soul destroying. And the best thing I could have done at the time.

pipsy -do it. You will NOT regret it and it will NOT stop you bonding in any way.

And a doula won't judge you the way your mother would if she were called in to help at that stage!

I had a birth doula who also did some post natal work for me - she was lovely and really helped at a difficult time.

nice if you can afford it methinks. Have a friend who is up with 2 month old twins all night plus a severely disabled older child who wakes frequently. She is on her knees!

Personally i think if you have the money it is only your business.

I have to say that i wouldn't do it personally even if it was free but i do aknowledge that i was lucky to enjoy those first months and not to get PNP. Many women are getting PND.

I don't mind if people have one and two and three nannies, housekeepers and cooks. But i don't want whining ('you are so lucky, you don't know how hard is to manage domestic staff..) or criticizing other mums (' there was this mum at the supermarket with 3 kids and bags under her eyes and she screamed at her toddler' ).

To summurise if you pay well and you are fair to those you employ to help you and you don't criticize other mums, then do it

I'm with the OP -unless there are extenuating circs, I think it is a strange thing to do. I wouldn't want anyone but me or DH dealing with my newborn.

If I had the money for one of those I would rather spend it on a cleaner /cook for those first few weeks so I that I could concentrate on the kids. (and have a nap in the day)

YANBU - I have the same reservations as you. Those first few intensive months are about establishing your relationship - not establishing a routine. I'd also be interested to know if mums who are 'sold' the idea of getting a baby of 12 weeks to sleep through are also fully informed about the effect this may have on their breastfeeding in the medium and long term, and of the risks of mixed feeding (which I suspect lots of these mums will be doing as it's very hard to satisfy a baby with breastmilk alone if you hugely restrict the hours you allow them to feed.

these are for whoever has the money to pay for it, Kerry .

I would have a cleaner/cook/driver/personal shopper/on call babysitter. My life would be very decadent .

Problem is that I think once a life is that "simplified" one loses their ability to empathise with people who don't have the same financial freedom to choose. Which is why you get these "yummy mummy" types who are so critical of those of us trying to do it all on our own.

But in principle I don't really care, because I do really understand the attraction of having the hard slog taken out of life - you don't win any prizes for martyrdom and newborns are hard work.

well, I wouldn't do it for a newborn but do accpet respite care to give me a break from dd. And I've have a nanny/cleaner if I had any money.

sorry that was not aimed at you Kerry, I agree it is lovely if you can bond with your baby and I personally would not want to give over the care of my newborn to a relative stranger (well except for changing the odd curry nappy, maybe ) but unless the mother fails to show their baby any affection or comfort I do wonder if a maternity nurse to help out really harms the bonding process?

Sorry for all my grammatical errors folks - typing through the morning sickness (now, if I could hire someone to experience that for me....}

bbf- take all the hard work away from me this minute! -

but not my children, because I want to be the one to make them happy,
to learn what makes them stop crying (which differs between my two so much),

and for them to know that I am the one bringing them comfort.

They bring the baby into you to bf during the night, so can actually HELP with bf.

your sil is merely seeking some additional help.this will in no way usurp her or cause attachment issues.ease up with the pseudo-Freudian interpretations.

are you jealous of sil
you are v unkind about her

if a maternity nurse protects her sanity,offers a precious break, an she can afford why not.really this is whatever suits her

would you object to doula or BF counsellor post birth?is it the notion of additional paid help or specifically mat nurse

ps rofl laughing that you actually said "precious moments" oh aye the mantra that usually proceeds any ole opinionated judgemental rant

it isnt as if the Alsation is BF the baby it is a responsible additional help

maybe you will feel more empathic when baby arrrives

I would have loved a maternity nanny, especially one who could have helped me bf ds successfully - that would have been priceless.

'why would you want someone else to have precious moments with your little one'?

Christ, the first six weeks of my first baby's life were absolutely awful. The nights were sheer hell. The misery of lying there in different sorts of pain, woken up yet again in the small hours, wondering if my body would ever feel human again, loving and hating and dreading the baby, and at the same time overwhelmed with utter guilt that I wasn't feeling the apparently mandatory ecstasy...

motherinferior - that was brilliantly put!
The first 6 weeks were a fecking nightmare for me too.

I don't really do martyrdom, fabsmum et al.