to find the whole idea of a maternity nanny wrong?

[allthegearnoidea]

let me put this in context, have limited experience myself and my SIL is one, though from what she tells me I find the whole idea so wrong...

she says that the women she works for 'love their babies but they love their sleep too', that the babies should be in a routine by the time she leaves after 12 weeks, ideally sleeping through.

Now my concerns are that these little babies won't develop really secure attachments to their mums as when they cry in the night they are attended to by a stranger who will disappear in a few weeks time... that 3 months is too soon to expect routine of that kind, that hello- don't have a baby if you want perfect restful nights. It seems to me to go against nature and instinctful parenting. I couldn't have imagined letting someone else go to my crying newborn, my stomach lurched whenevr he cried, I was a fierce lioness over him!

I'm not syaing I'm perfect, who is? Also it's no picninc having a newborn, but why would you want someone else to have precious moments with your little one.

I'm reday for the onslaught and I appreciate that many people use maternity nannies and am really interesed in how it works in real life and why people use them, if it were me I'd have a got a cleaner to do the crappy jobs so that if I wanted to slob in my dressing gown the next day with my son, who cares, all the jobs are done! Let me know your thought/ experiences.

p.s. my SIL is an idiot and does exagerate so apologies if I'm way of the mark here! x

Well said, Kitstwins. It's true what you say about a Mat Nusre being more "acceptable" when you have twins (I told my DH before we started TTC for Dc3 that if it were twins I would be getting one ). But I think your point is a good one about the support some need whenever they they have a child.

Fabsmum - I do not come from a nursing background and I do not have one of the formal maternity nurse certificates at present. I do have Diploma of Teaching(ECE), NNEB, and over 8 years full time nanny experience where I mostly had a new born. I've now been maternity nursing for two years and in that time have had experience with five c-sections(3 been emergency), one baby with Pyloric Stenosis, and one baby (my current) that was seven weeks prem. I do not (unfortunatly) have any formal training for teaching breast feeding, but all the mothers I've worked for have breast fed until they were ready to stop (any where from four weeks to over a year). I'm able to support the mothers bfing by making sure positioning is right, making sure the mother is eating and drinking well and NEVER not offering the baby the breast if they are hungry. I do plenty of research through the internet and books about breast feeding and pick up things along the way from midwifes that I've worked alongside in hospital. Hope that answers your question. If I could do a course on BFing I would but have looked and can't find anything suitable.

ShinyPinkShoes - I think I also remember you. All is good with me am loving maternity nursing. Hope all is well with you.

Maternity nursing is my profession, as with employing any other household staff either long or short term the family must make sure that the philosophy of each side meets.

All I have to add is thank god for my maternity nurses. I had deep PND and would probably have had to be hospitilised if I hadn't been able to get to sleep in between feeds.

Perhaps dd2 sucks her thumb because I didn't cuddle her enough for the first 4 weeks of her life, but every time I feel guilty about that I remind myself how bad I was.

I'd love a maternity nurse or at least some kind of proper help. I am 11 wks pg with DC3 and am getting steadily more scared about coping with a newborn again. DD1 was an 'easy' baby but I still found it all very, very hard. DD2 was an extremely difficult baby with reflux and tongue tie (feeding nightmare on both counts). DH isn't brilliant with small babies, basically not interested until they are older and more interesting and took no time off work at all. I STRUGGLED and struggled, I hated DD2, and would have cheerfully given her away to anyone who might have wanted her. I felt so miserable, exhausted and alone - it was dreadful. I didn't bond with her until probably just after her first birthday, which (thinking about it now) makes me feel absolutely HORRIFIED at myself. I can't bear the thought of doing all this again. I love and adore my children, in fact DD2 is the light of our lives and it would be impossible to be more besotted with her now than we already are.
The thought of struggling again with DC3 (who incidentally is very much planned and wanted) scares me to death. I adore children, but wish they were delivered to you at about 9 months old as that is when I find them do-able. I'm not a lover of newborns and am appalling when I've had no sleep (I just cry, don't eat, and then struggle with breastfeeding as then I have no milk).
Sorry for waffling but I totally support anyone in their decision to have help if they can afford it. I don't actually think it matters who comes to help, as long as they do what the mother wants/needs them to. Hopefully by the time this baby comes we'll have put aside some extra money for help and DC3 will not have an exhausted, depressed, tearful, anxious, nightmare of a mother for the first year of its life!
Anyone in Scotland looking for a postnatal doula/maternity nanny/ job in May 09 please contact me.
(By the way I am actually very nice and normal as are my family - I suspect I've just made myself sound like some sort of crazy scary woman! - I'm just very scared of turning into that person again.)

I think you sound very nice and very normal. Babies and mothers are all different and some combinations will be harder work than others.

Good luck with the next newborn. Get any help you need.

"If I could do a course on BFing I would but have looked and can't find anything suitable".

Unicef do a two day and a three day course - supposed to be good. NHS staff get sent on these courses when their hospitals are going for 'BabyFriendly' status. If you work through an agency maybe you could get them to pay for you and some other maternity nannies to do it. It would be a great selling point for the agency to boast that their staff are Unicef trained in breastfeeding support.

here

"So we're not all idle layabouts who elect for maternity nurses on the grounds that we can't be a*sed to get out of bed in the night."

Dont' think anyone's posted here thread suggesting this have they?

First reaction was 'oh no, how strange, why would anyone let somebody else come between them and their baby'- with my comfiest judgey pants on.

And then I started thinking about what I actually had when dc's were born:

a dh who was very confident and hands-on and took it for granted that he would be losing sleep over the baby too

a midwife and hv who looked in every day

when ds was born, my Mum and Dad were staying. My Mum sat up with me for every evening/night feed and talked to me to help me stay awake, then changed his nappy afterwards so I wouldn't have to get up.

my Dad did the same thing with the early morning feed.

dh and my parents took it in turn to do the cooking

In fact, I had a similar level of care to somebody giving birth in a traditional extended family setting. Because of this I was able to carry on breastfeeding and bonding with my baby, despite being quite ill and having a section scar (the latter not much of a problem) and a very jealous dd.

so who am I to tell other people what they can and cannot have?

of course I was lucky in that this was my own family, the people who will know and love ds all their lives. But not everybody is that lucky.

The answer frazzled is surely to return to full time work when they're 2 weeks as I did. It's a wonderous solutions for mothers who love little babies but want just a few hours a day with them. Worked perfectly for me - worked so well I had five of them.

Not read last bit of the thread as it's so long but in the 'old days' babies used to be whisked away from their mums and shoved in nurseries in the hospital. I'm not advocating that as I think it was awful really but a whole generation did not grow up emotionally disturbed, so I can't believe a bit of care from a maternity nurse would be so damaging.

I actually wouldn't 'outsource' the first few weeks to a maternity nanny as you'd miss out on so much together but I can understand people have their own reasons. As long as it's not dangerous etc. which it isn't.

But I would (and did) have a night nanny one or two nights a week for a few weeks because we were exhausted and have absolutely no family nearby who could help. Ds was mixed fed by that stage.

I had a maternity nurse for 2 weeks with DC1 and it was the best money we ever spent. The nurse was just wonderful. I had never had any contact with babies before and had no idea where to start. She taught me everything from bathing to breastfeeding. By the time she left I was well recovered from the birth, confident in my baby and ready to get on with motherhood. I think that people miss the point that maternity nurses need to sleep, she slept every afternoon and I was alone with my baby. She was there as an extra experienced mum. She didn't take my baby away, she taught me how to look after him. I never had any exhaustion with him, I worshipped him from the moment he was born and I never had a moments PND or doubts about my abilities and I put that down to having the maternity nurse.

With DC2 I had a night nurse 3 nights a week for 6 weeks and will do the same for DC3. I see no need to martyr and exhaust myself when I don't need to, I have nothing to prove.

Tittybangbang actually I'm paraphrasing (hence the lack of quote marks) - it was intimated in a couple of the threads that I can't be bothered to trawl through and find as this post is yards long. However, feel free to trawl through on my behalf and prove me wrong if you so desire.

The point of my post was to express my belief that maternity nurses were not always about abdication from maternal responsibility (which was someone implicit in a few posts - 'why would anyone want to give their newborn's care to someone else, etc., etc.?'); rather that in my opinion all new mothers need support (from midwives, HVs, family, friends...) and that not everyone gets the levels that they feel they need. So for some, a maternity nurse can bridge that gap. I knew I'd need lots of support and the only way I could guarantee that was to pay for it. And I'm very glad I did. My maternity nurse made a huge difference.

K

We had a wonderful maternity nurse from a lovely agency and they just got what we wanted- someone to show us the ropes!!
I was scared of doing things wrong and wanted to learn about the skills of being a mum so I felt confident enough to cope when they had gone- it is quite expensive but if you budget for it then I think it is a fab idea- I would definately have our lady back if we have another one- fingers crossed.
www.maternalresponse.co.uk

I haven't read all posts on this thread, but enough to get me interested. I am a maternity nurse and it's really interesting to hear what people think. And maybe I can help OP with her questions!

I'm probably fairly unique in that I'm not naturally a GF routine type of person, I like (safe) co sleeping, 'demand' breast feeding and slings! But I genuinely love babies which is why I do the work. Some of the women I work for have no idea about babies, and don't really like babies in general. I find that heart breaking and do my best to a) give the babies a bit of tenderness in the early days and b) (most importantly) try and get these women to realise how precious and beautiful their babies are and that they are real little people who need alot of love.

I never take babies away from the family (unless instructed to) and try to take a back seat. I'm there to support and advise. And I change ALOT of nappies! I do have babies to sleep with me at night, only in order to give mothers a better nights sleep without all the shuffling that new borns do. (Incidently I love the shuffling snuffling noises that newborns make!). But I never withhold feeds from newborns.

Most of the people I work with do want some kind of a routine by the time the baby is a few weeks old, certainly by the time I leave. But I am so naturally baby centred (and will demand feed and co sleep with my own children should I be lucky enough to have any in the future...) that the routines I implement are ALWAYS tailored to the individual baby and the babies I care for are never left to cry (not by me anyway), and hardly have any need to cry as I work on the principle of responding to their needs.

BUT, ironically, there is no way in the world I would employ a maternity nurse for myself! I wouldn't want anyone else 'helping' with my baby and I certainly wouldn't want it to sleep with someone else.

SO I really can see it from both sides. I think maternity nurses can be a fabulous resource and should be available on the NHS if people want them! I think sleep and support are extremely important in the early days and if a maternity nurse is how you choose to get your sleep and support, great. If you choose family and friends, also great. But everyone should have some kind of support in the early days. Or at least someone to bring you good food!

to some a night nanny/mn is a godsend

some first time mums dont know how to get a baby in a routine/anything about Bf etc

all of my babies have slept through the night by 12 weeks - parents hire me so that they get sleep and feel more alive, and ENJOY being a parent

going in doesnt mean you are going to take away the bonding, when i do nn i go in and help and advise the parents as that is what they are paying me for

at night time, i would get the baby, change and then take to mum who if bf would feed and then i would take the baby back, settle and put back to bed

and its just not mums who have nannyies/mn who have babies in a good routine - some mums manage it easiiy and have baby sleeping through the night

i dont know why some mums are against asking for help, just becasue you are a mum, doesnt mean you should know everything

if you need help with water call a plumber

cars a mechanic

with a baby call a mn/night nanny

anything that helps a mum and dad in the first few weeks of life must be good imo

My MIL kept offering to pay for a wet nurse for 6 weeks postpartum. I was so hacked off when I realised she meant a maternity nurse.

I know each to their own but how on earth do you go back to work when the baby is 2 weeks?! Why would you want to? Personally was in hormonal sleep deprived haze and struggling to establish breastfeeding and wanted only to gaze at my newborn. The thought of returning to reviewing contracts for big companies at that stage makes me shudder.

I don't know any mum's who have gone back to work so soon. A couple have gone back around 12 weeks. Too be honest, most of the people I work for don't work at all. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse...!

If the only way to bond with your child is to spend 24/7 with them, then how on earth do fathers manage?

My mother had a maternity nurse (or whatever they were called in those days). She helped with the birth of my older brother and sister (home births) and then stayed on afterwards, and did the staying on bit for me (I was born in hospital). My mother was still regularly visiting her twenty years later, which I think says a lot about how important she was to my mum. I don't think my big sister (the one that my mother had in hospital with no subsequent help) has bonded any more or less with my mother than the rest of us.

I would have loved someone to give dd to during those early weeks. In fact I would have quite liked to be able to give dd to someone else for the first few months and then had her back! I was perfectly healthy (except for the c-section) and so was she, but she was the clingyest baby, and I really hated it, it was exhausting and relentless. dh was fantastic, but he had to go to work, my mum came by with meals, but had this strange idea that what I need was to go out for walks with dd (she is a believer in fresh air curing everything). I don't think that I really started to feel happier until I went back to work and gave dd to the nanny. ds on the other hand was pretty easy to look after (even though he came first) and I didn't feel the same need to escape.

I'm not a baby worshipper (and I don't think that's a bad thing to be, just not for me). I don't believe that there is any ecstasy or "baby moon" unless you really do like babies, and that whole dependent connected vibe. I love my children deeply, more and more as they grow up. They aren't babies for very long, and whilst for some people that is very sad, for some of us it's great!