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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my Mum to miss my nephew's birthday party so she can look after my dd while I have a hangover?

138 replies

Sushipaws · 20/10/2008 18:03

It's my 30th Birthday in 3 weeks and my Mum was meant to come down and look after my 19mo dd so dh and I could go out and get a bit drunk. She was meant to stay at my house and dh and I were to get a hotel and get back about dd's dinner time, so we could have hangover's in peace. I've had one night out with dh since my dd was born and that was only for about 3 hours in the evening. I've had a couple of nights out without dh since dd was born and I find having a hangover around my dd really hard.

The thing is, my Mum lives about 3 hours drive away and she's told me she'll have to leave early the day after my birthday to get home for my nephew's birthday party. My nephew is going to be 6 and he has to have his party on the Saturday because he's going to his Dad's on the Sunday.

My sister lives near both my parents and relies heavily on them. She has mental and physical health issues so allot of the time I have to change my plans to suit her. I always bow down to what she wants because I know things are hard for her.

I have asked my Mum to miss my nephew's birthday party so she can look after my dd while I have a hangover. It sounds to me like I'm being unreasonable, but I never ask my parents for anything, I never ask my sister for anything and I do many many things for them. My Dad will go to nephew's party, he wouldn't be able to go if my Mum was going (they don't speak).

I know my sister is going to have a fit.

AIBU??????

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 20/10/2008 20:14

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TheHedgeWitch · 20/10/2008 20:16

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LoveAndSqualor · 20/10/2008 20:22

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable either. I'm assuming you want to go out for dinner and be able to have a couple of drinks without worrying about the fact you'll have a bit of a hangover (I can't cope with DS with a hangover either - sympathies). And 30 is a big birthday. And naturally you want to celebrate!

The only thing I would say is that doing the celebrating on the actual day itself wouldn't matter to me. If I were you I'd ditch the whole thing for this Sat and rearrange for a different, pressure-free day (and don't mention to your sister if you think she'll try to scupper it) and have a lovely time and at least two - possibly three ! - glasses of wine .

PumpkinPatty · 20/10/2008 20:23

God you lot are a sanctimonious bunch!

It's her 30th! I think she is entitled to a rare night out and a lie-in. She says herself she rarely goes out.

Her mum has already agreed to drive over and babysit for the night. As her mum lives 3 hours away, and rarely sees her granddaugher I bet she doesn't mind doing this occasionally.

OP- can you speak to your mum and see what she thinks? I can totally see your point, but maybe it's not worth it if your sister or nephew is going to be very upset and annoyed with you.

Sushipaws · 20/10/2008 20:30

Okay, so my mac keeps freezing and I'm a bit pre-menstral so I'm getting a bit miffed and I'm going to rant.......

I'm turning 30, not claiming my pension, I'm aloud to go out and have a few drinks. I repeat I'm turning 30, therefore I will not act like at 18yo and get so wrecked I'm falling all over the place. I get a hangover if I have more than 2 glasses of wine, I only gave up breast feeding 6 weeks ago so my tolerance if pretty low.

I haven't lived in my home town for over 10 years and I don't know anyone who lives locally, it's also a tiny village with only a few pubs. So NO I don't want to spend my 30th there because my sister would probably want to come and every night out with her in the last 15 years has ended up with her vomiting or trying to beat me up.

My mother is the only person who can babysit, my Dad does'nt feel comfortable babysitting and has only been to visit me 3 times in the 10 years I've lived down here. My MIL is a full time carer for my FIL who has advanced MS. My BIL would love to babysit but he's in Canada for the next 2 years.

For whoever said "Get a grip woman and act like a resonsible adult and mother and not like a spoilt child."

I have got a grip after dealing with PND and I am acting like a responsible adult by not wanting to be around my dd when I'm not at my best. I am not acting like a spoilt child, my sister has changed the day of my nephews party and I suspect it was because my mother had told her she was babysitting for me. On my dd's first birthday, my mother had to leave because sister was having a miscarraige when she was actually having a period. A few weeks ago when I went up to visit my family my mother had to end our birthday shopping because my sister kept screaming down the phone about my mother loving me more and how she should go home to look after her, blah blah blah...the usual crap you have to put up with if you care for someone who is BiPolar and has OCD. Every significant day in my life that involves my Mum or my sister gets hijacked in some way, including my wedding day.

And for those who said I should count myslef lucky for not being pregnant, I think thats just being silly. Had it not been for my second miscarraige 4 weeks ago, I would have been pregnant and over-bloody-joyed about it. I obviously would not have been drinking, but thats not the case, is it?

My big plan was to go out for dinner with dh, dd, mum, stepdad and a few friends. Then parents would take dd home, I would have a few cocktails and maybe even..........go.....to.....a nightclub There may even have been some..................dancing. Then dh and I would have stayed in a hotel, had a day together the next day then spent the evening with parents, the next day they would drive home.

I have already spoken to my Mum who asked my nephew if he minded if she wasn't there. He said no as long as they went to the Wildlife Park the weekend before. But he told my sister and she has already called me 4 times to call me a selfish bitch and has threatened to cancel my nephews birthday. So I have given in and told my Mum not to bother, my nephew is more important.

OP posts:
Ally90 · 20/10/2008 20:32

Hi Sushipaws

I think your sister is playing with your dn birthday to get your mum away from you from what you say. So your sister is the one playing games...and I guess you just want your mum to stand up to your sister and put you first for once? That is not unreasonable. But it puts you in the position of being the 'bad one' for taking nan away from dn bday party. Your sister plays well...bet your tired of being the bigger person and letting it all wash by because your sister is ill. As for what to do, tis your dn's birthday and as he is young he won't be able to really understand the complexities of human relationships...whereas you do. Rearrange your night out. Then speak to your mum about what you can do to spend time with her without your sister trying to intervene...surely there is someone else like your dad who can take care of your sister and dn if she is ill? For your mother to always go to her cannot be helpful...what happens when your mum is unable to meet her needs anymore? What then? However I don't know about anything about her illness...so I could be barking up wrong tree.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

ScottishMummy · 20/10/2008 20:36

i hope you can go out,get screaming drunk,let your hair down,one day as glam girl

ps-water and 2 painkillers before bed

all the gumpers need to unclench.one night out sine her dd was born.cut the girl some slack

she is a mum 364 days a year so 1 day wont off kill anyone

it is your birthday.aye go a wee bit daft, have a safe time with mates
yes get drunk,dance,enjoy

flourybaps · 20/10/2008 20:37

Yanbu at all imo.

Its your 30th birthday,enjoy yourself, oh I'd love to stay over in a hotel with my dp and have a lovely lie in. Dont feel guilty, enjoy! Its your nephew's 6th birthday Im sure he will be fine without your mum there his own mum and all his friends will be there I wouldnt demand my mum to be at my dd party if she had other plans at all. Surely she can just see him when she gets back. I really dont see the problem.

Talk to your mum, go out and have a fab time.

BloodAndMutts · 20/10/2008 20:37

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hunkermunker · 20/10/2008 20:38

I opened the thread thinking you were being very unreasonable.

I read the first bit still thinking that.

And then I changed my mind.

I think your sister is being unpleasant and trying to spoil your birthday. And yes, you're an adult and yada yada birthday not as important once you're grown up as they are when you're six, but sheesh, if your nephew doesn't mind and your sister's actually changed the date of his party to make it awkward for your mum - jeeeez!

If I was your mum, I'd be saying to your sister, "I've already said I'm going to babysit for SP. You changed the date of the party, it's lovely that your dad can go now, I'll see you and nephew at the wildlife park."

hunkermunker · 20/10/2008 20:40

Does your mother feel guilty about your sister in some way? Does she always go to her at your expense?

flourybaps · 20/10/2008 20:42

Sorry have just seen your post about your crazy sister threatening to cancel your nephews party. That is terrible, she is clearly being very controling and manipulative. I'm not sure how to handle it tbh but I;d be quit loathe to give in to her.

I still dont think yabu to want your mum to babysit btw

Ivegotaheadache · 20/10/2008 20:50

Sushipaws - I don't think you are BU, you want to go out and have a good time and why on earth shouldn't your mum babysit if she's happy to.
Bit at bloodandmutts comment that you should stop being so reliant on your mum. Nothing in any of your posts has suggested that you're overly reliant on her.

I'm 33 and I'm reliant on my mum for all sorts of things. That's cos she's my mum.

Actually I'm not reliant on her - big difference to needing someone for a few things and being reliant on them.

I hope when my kids are 30 (or 40 or 50..) they will still need me and come to me and that I can be there for them.

Sushipaws' sister is extremely reliant on her mum and her mum does a great deal for her and nephew, but just beacause sushipaws isn't bi-polar or have OCD doesn't mean that her mum shoul dforget about her.

wonderstuff · 20/10/2008 20:50

((sushipaws)) YANBU at all, hope you have a nice time, can dh take dd out if you have a hangover?

BloodAndMutts · 20/10/2008 20:51

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hunkermunker · 20/10/2008 20:54

Try Sitters...

Elasticwoman · 20/10/2008 20:55

A big glass of water between each alcoholic drink might mean no hangover. Don't drink on an empty stomach and don't mix the grain and the grape.

I am amazed that any one actually plans to have a hangover.

By the time you are 30 it's a pity you can't enjoy yourself without making yourself ill.

But maybe I'm just jealous because I never have hangovers - my body won't let me drink more than 2 or 3 glasses before vomiting for England.

The problems of grannie's other daughter are not particularly relevant.

Ivegotaheadache · 20/10/2008 20:58

She's explained a bit as to why she doesn't have baby sitters at the moment, so her only option is her mum.
Yes, she's relying on her mum being able to baby sit for that one evening - that doesn't make a person reliant.

BloodAndMutts · 20/10/2008 20:59

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duckyfuzz · 20/10/2008 21:00

I hate manipulative relatives could your DD go and stay with your mum? I ceratinly don't consider it over reliant I have to get my parents to do 100 miles to look after my DTs if DH and I are both out/away

ScummyMummy · 20/10/2008 21:01

It's not about planning,,, It's about being realistic! A turning 30 year old has to drink with disinhibition and lack of sense, surely? (Unless that would not be their idea of a good time, which is fine.) They have the license to drink the cellar and the town and the city dry. It's the last chance they'll have for 10 years unless they go to a mumsnet meetup. Jeez folks, imbrace your inner alcoholic a bit, why doncha? Or at least your inner non-completely joyless puritan.

TheHedgeWitch · 20/10/2008 21:01

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compo · 20/10/2008 21:03

so dp's parents aren't an option for dropping dd off for the weekend?

ScummyMummy · 20/10/2008 21:03

embrace

ScottishMummy · 20/10/2008 21:05

of course i have planned to go out with the intention of getting drunk.the morning after brekkie ingredients in fridge

Aye even had the irn bru in fridge
the ibuprofen at hand
selected dvd for watching in bed

for example Christmas - aye plan to get bevvied