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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think baby showers are vulgar

53 replies

Upwind · 18/10/2008 11:52

In the past I've argued that the only acceptable response to an invitation is that you will or will not be able to attend. But I recieved a baby shower invitation this morning, from a woman I barely know. The wording said that this was an "opportunity for her friends and colleagues to shower Jenny with gifts"

'Jenny' is loaded and already has her designer nursery kitted out and everything imaginable she could need bought. There are redundancies and threatened redundancies where she works. It seems extraordinarily tasteless to send this elaborate invitation out at a time like this. Obviously I will be declining the invitation but I can't help think less of her for issuing it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 18/10/2008 11:54

i hate them.i was given a sort of baby shower/leaving party on last day at work of preschool before dc3.but wasnt big planned party ,was children saying goodbye and wishing me luckwas very sweet.

MadameCastafiore · 18/10/2008 11:54

Just another way for people to get presents before the baby is born - I refuse to go and I visit after the baby is born and take along my gift then.

BBeingpatient · 18/10/2008 11:57

i very much doubt Jenny issued it herself, Also i would imagine a gift chipped in for by all collegues would be quite inexspensive, and would imagine she doesnt expect it anyway. you sound a bit sour grapes to me when you mention her wealth.
also because this invitation doesnt meet your standards you think ALL baby showers are vulgar?!?!?!

FWIW at my best friends we all simply promised thing to the baby ie to teach the child to swim etc, so i think YABU to summise that ALL baby showers are vulgar from one experience

Liffey · 18/10/2008 11:58

I think if people want to give you things that's lovely and you should accept them graciously. But the contrived setting where everybody knows you're expecting gifts is a bit embarrassing.

Original poster
Upwind · 18/10/2008 11:58

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie - that is really nice though.

'Jenny' is British btw and has no US connections that I'm aware of! I may bring her a gift after her baby is born to avoid seeming cheapsgate. But I would hate to have my offering opened on front of a bunch of other givers....

OP posts:
lulumama · 18/10/2008 12:01

i had one, and i made one for my friend, it was not really about gifts, but celebrating the new baby that was on the way and pampering the mum to be. small gifts yes, and did not buy another gift when the baby was born, so i don;t think that is vulgar

i do thikn that inviting work colleagues to shower someone with gifts when there are redundancies etc... that is vulgar and thoughtless

but not all showers are< IMO

Twiga · 18/10/2008 12:01

I think it depends on the spirit of the thing - friends organised one for me and it was really more about a fun girls night in with some funny games, wine and nice snacks. Yes there were presents but they were a few practial small things like cotton wool, nice chocs etc - it was all a suprise and really nice and thoughtful. All the ones I've been to have been along these lines. TBH I think it depends on where you are, from what I've heard very diff in the USA and probably as with a lot of things hasn't always translated so well over here/point lost a little?!

BetteNoire · 18/10/2008 12:02

Never had one, or been invited to one.
Or know anyone who has ever had one.
I am old though.

I used to watch baby programmes when I was expecting DS1 (13 years ago) and all the American women seemed to have fun at their baby showers.

I assumed it was just close family and friends that were invited though.

I can't see the harm in them generally, but the wording of the invitation in the OP is tactless, to say the least.

Original poster
Upwind · 18/10/2008 12:02

BBeingpatient - no, she did not issue it herself but the last time we met she mentioned that she wanted one. The wealth thing is only relevant because if she had nothing I could at least feel that any money I spent was contributing in some way.

I've never been to a baby shower and don't intend to have one so my only experience is from Sex and the City episodes and from this one invitation. The concept seems vulgar to me - though I appreciate that if everyone promises things to the baby or the new parents that it could actually be very nice.

OP posts:
Tortington · 18/10/2008 12:03

yip another americanism.

nooOOOoonki · 18/10/2008 12:13

god I hate the thought, I would find it hard not to judge someone that had one.

Original poster
Upwind · 18/10/2008 12:22

a fun girls' night in could be good too - but this invitation is for 2-5 in the afternoon so I think I can safely assume that it is not what I am being invited to

OP posts:
PuzzleRocks · 18/10/2008 12:43

No experience of. Are the really that prevalent in this country?

Bettyboobird · 18/10/2008 12:51

I don't know why, but I just don't like the idea of a shower.

I would hate to be invited to one tbh, and yes I would decline.

If I want to give a gift to anybody, I will do so as and when I see fit. I often give little gifts to pregnant friends/family members during their pregnancy if I think 'ooh, that would be useful for X right now', or 'X would love such and such' and I always give a gift to the baby after birth- I would HATE to be asked to give a gift.

A frind invited me to her hen party and on the invitation was the instruction, 'please bring a gift for the hen'. I didn't go.

zazen · 18/10/2008 13:12

crikey, every baby shower I've attended or organised, we all bring nappies! And little brushes combs, blankets, a few dinky outfits (never worn by baby, as they are usually bought be women who haven't kids!) nipple cream and muslin squares, and old borrowed parenting books.

Oh and a bottle of clarins oil or something for mum to be!

They really are a great way of getting to know all about the new mum to be's actual situation and we usually get a soup kitchen together - a rotas of dinner angels - for the early weeks.

I love baby showers, they are so hopeful - and for some mums, they can talk about their birth experiences (out of earshot of the mum to be) with us old wizzened battle scarred vets in the kitchen, with wine

expatinscotland · 18/10/2008 13:14

oh, i agree. i hate baby showers.

NAFF and tacky.

moondog · 18/10/2008 13:14

Nowt wrong with a get together.
Evetrytihng wrong with it if a thinly veiled excuse to buy baby crap.

I've come to the conclusion that all baby stuff is naff.

moondog · 18/10/2008 13:15

Ah Expat.
We ar kindred spirits.
As usual.

(Any sign of that baby yet?)

stitch · 18/10/2008 13:26

i think baby showers are fine in the cultures where it is the nrom.
but it is not something that i will choose to adopt from another culture.

Original poster
Upwind · 18/10/2008 13:27

"I've come to the conclusion that all baby stuff is naff. "

moondog

OP posts:
mellabella · 18/10/2008 13:27

well, i can honestly say as an american that i'm not a huge fan of them either. i hated going to them while i still lived there because you have to play ridiculous games and oooh and awwh over the gifts. then on the other hand, my girlfriends threw a baby shower for me before i moved here and it was extremely useful because i got to move over completely set with everything we needed for ds. ( i moved over at 22 weeks along with dh). it was more like a going-away party than a baby shower with the dumb games...

i guess it depends on the person the shower is being thrown for, if they already have loads of $$ and it has dumb games then i usually didn't go.

expatinscotland · 18/10/2008 13:28

they truly make me vom, moondog.

another grabby run for gifts.

this baby is never coming out! he gives me random contractions every now and again, but otherwise he's quite cozy in there .

moondog · 18/10/2008 13:30

Prams and matching changing bags Puke
T shirts with cutesy slogan Bleaaarghhh
Pram shoes Eeek
Baby nests Work of Satan
Wallpaper borders featuring teddies Fucking unforgivable

MrsMattie · 18/10/2008 13:31

I like them if they involve close friends / family - and for first babies. My mum and sister organised a Sunday lunch 'shower' for me with my 2 best friends, 2 cousins, aunties etc. They only bought little gifts - nothing outlandish - and it was more a chance to all get together and indulge in a bit of food and chat and get excited about the baby coming (I was the first in my group of friends to have a baby).

I'm not having one this time. It would seem a bit over the top. My close female friends are coming over for a pre-baby lunch, but to be honest, we don't want or need anything for this baby in terms of 'stuff and we've gone overkill on baby talk for the last few years

The 'proper' baby shower - loads of guests, silly games, extravagant presents - is American, innit? Too American for my tastes.

LadyOfRoffle · 18/10/2008 13:31

Yuk, I hate them. I feel bad enough that some people bought DS things when he was born and they may think they should buy another gift for his Baptism. When I have my wedding blessed I am writing, and I don't care how common/wrong it is, that we do not wish the receive gifts. Do people not feel embarrassed when giving out baby shower invites? I know I would!