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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

470 replies

postmanbob · 15/10/2008 12:49

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

OP posts:
pooter · 15/10/2008 17:10

Im shocked that someone believes it to be a "luxury" for children to be cared for by their parents.

see - shocked!

GhostlySinCity · 15/10/2008 17:12

But the SD is well cared for, OP's are going without!

Yes they should all be one big happy family but that is not going to happen whilst one child is well catered for by two sets of parents whilst the other two are going without. Not exactly treating all the kids the same is it?

AbbeyA · 15/10/2008 17:14

I was one of them MsH! I disagreed with poppycoc because if you marry a man who already has DCs you have to work out the finances to see if you can afford another DC.
A man with DCs comes with baggage, you either accept it or walk away before you get involved.
In this case OP seems a nice stepmother who is doing her best. They are going to be hard up and if ex wife and her new partner are comfortably off they may well be understanding if she talks to them. It is very different from a second wife just being resentful of her DH's responsibilities.

herbietea · 15/10/2008 17:14

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eclectech · 15/10/2008 17:15

It sounds understandable to me.

I think it would be worth discussing with ex asap to try and work out any changes amicably without reference to the CSA and, FWIW, I believe that as long as it's not causing financial hardship much better for your partner to spend time with the children rather than getting a p/t job to keep up payments for the sake of it.

MsHighwater · 15/10/2008 17:16

KerryMum, the OP isn't saying they resent paying the money - only that they will not be able to if/when her dh loses his job.

I have also read the OP's posts and I don't see the "attitude" you speak of. The father has equal responsibility (your words) which means his responsibility to his younger 2 dc's is equal to that of his older child. They should not be forced into poverty to maintain their older sibling at the same level if the family income reduces. The assumption that this is what should happen shocks me.

GhostlySinCity · 15/10/2008 17:17

I think the 'resent' comment came from me, not the OP. Apologies, was probably the wrong word to use.

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 15/10/2008 17:20

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chocolatemummy · 15/10/2008 17:22

postmanbob

take the job because you know it is secure and your partners is not.
If you partner is able to get some work then great and I think he should atleast try.
I don't think you should explain yourself any further, you have done nothing wrong and you and your partner have paid quite a high amount of maintenance for may years, it is understandabel that now, under financial strain and with two other children to pay for you are reigning things in, including maintenance. I am sure by the sounds of things, as soon as your situation improves you would start paying again, or up your payments and I am certina that if you go through thr CSA, which I ugre to do, they will work out somehing you can afford and you will have that peace of mind that all is being done by the book and its is nobody elses business quite frankly

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 15/10/2008 17:26

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

herbietea · 15/10/2008 17:28

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VictorianSqualorSquelchNSquirm · 15/10/2008 17:29

Have you looked at what tax credits etc you would earn if your DH wasn't working and you took this 20k job? It's quite possible that they would make your wage up to close to what you get already.

I don't think it's unreasonable to think about cutting down maintenance it seems excessive anyway in comparison to what she would get from the CSA (on £350 per week my ex was told to pay £52 a week for two DCs) but you should check there is nothing else you could cut down on first.

Could you reduce your shopping bill? petrol? past-times for yourself or DH etc?

FioFio · 15/10/2008 17:30

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TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 17:31

I've got an idea that will keep everyone happy! Split up with your husband (he can move into his parents house or rent somewhere on HB) and then he will get benefits and can pay each of his children exactly the same amount and you won't have to worry about paying out of your money.

(wonders how many people will miss the facetiousness to this post)

Lurkinaround · 15/10/2008 17:32

"it really irks me that people think things like maintenance are arbitrary (regardless of circumstances)"

I couldn't agree more. And I fully admit that I'm not subjective when it comes to matters of maintenance. The fact is that it isn't a case of having two children and stepchild. It is a family with three children. Yes, the payments may have to be reduced as the circumstances have changed but a contribution still needs to made regardless of the other family's income.

FioFio · 15/10/2008 17:36

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ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 15/10/2008 17:38

When you have children they all need supporting and they all should have the same. If you choose to have a child with someone who already has children you have to know that some of your new family income will go to pay for the other children. That is right and proper. If your SD lived with you he would have to support her and find the money so that is what he iwll have to do.

MsHighwater · 15/10/2008 17:44

KerryMum, if the OP and her DH stopped paying upkeep of their own child, that child's upkeep would stop altogether. If they stop paying maintenance to the DSD, she would still be kept by her own mother and stepfather. This should not be overlooked.

Tidey · 15/10/2008 17:49

I think a lot of posters only read the title and OP. She has already said several times that they do intend to pay something for the SD. She's not saying anywhere that SD is low on her list of priorities.

As far as I can see, you need to:

  • Talk to the ExW and try to figure out a sum that is satisfactory to all of you.

  • Find out how much you can claim in tax credits when you start your new job as it will make a difference.

  • As a last resort, the DH will have to go to the CSA and get them to work out what he can afford.

mosschops30 · 15/10/2008 17:51

YABU

My dh works in construction and yes times are tough and uncertain (his bf has just been made redundant they work for the same firm) but he wouldnt dream of just resigning, he would put his family first.

Fair enough if it comes to the crunch and he loses his (well paid) job we will have to do something, but why your dh wants to leave work is beyond me.

And I agree with everyone else that regardless he should still provide for his daughter wherever possible, or maybe helping out his ex by picking her up from school etc if he is not working. It doesnt have to be financial but still showing support would be good.

TBH i think your attitude stinks!

Libra1975 · 15/10/2008 17:52

postmanbob - YABU to STOP payments but as several people have pointed out you have moved on to say how you can deal with the situation the best you can with the current financial climate so now YANBU, the SD has 2 parents and if the EXW is currently financially stable I can't see why a reduction in payments can't be negotiated (especially since £400 a month on a £30K salary is very generous). The SD shouldn't know anything about the financial arrangements anyway.

Sit down and talk to the exw, and see if something can be sorted out before getting the CSA involved which could ruin the relationship between exw and dh.

By the way I think you come across as a very kind person on this thread who is not trying to do the ex-wife or SD out of money just trying to find a way for everyone to survive.

LooptheLoop · 15/10/2008 17:55

Postmanbob

Couple of practical questions given that £400 seems a high figure compared to his salary.

Was this figure ever agreed via a court order? If so, the process of reducing it or involving the CSA is more complicated.

Are you sure it was just for child maintenance and that there was no element of spousal maintenance agreed in the divorce settlement.

MsHighwater · 15/10/2008 17:55

mosschops30, get a grip. Just cos not resigning is how your dh "puts his family first" does not mean that the OP's dh would not be putting his family first by resigning from a job he is likely to lose so he can look after their dc's allowing his wife to take a secure job paying a reasonable salary.

theirmum · 15/10/2008 17:58

I can understand where your coming from and for you your kids are the most important thing so would mine be if I was in the same situation i think you first need to make sure your family home etc is secure so I would take the job. I do think you need to talk with your DSD's mum and explain the situation (am unsure what the relationship with her is like) According to the CSA calculator a salary of 20k with a weekly take home of £288 net you sould be paying around £35 a week here is the calculator so you can work it out as I dont know how many nights you have your DSD i would show this to your DSD's mum also maybe do one for youe DH old salary so she can see in the "good" times she was getting way over the amount she would have got from the CSA on a salary of 30k she was intitled to about £208 a month! Good luck with your new job and I hope it all works out ok x

theirmum · 15/10/2008 18:02

Why is it people have to flame others there seem to be a lot of bitter mums on mumsnet! isnt it best to offer this lady advise rather than be so harsh and nasty in some cases!