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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

470 replies

postmanbob · 15/10/2008 12:49

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

OP posts:
nkf · 15/10/2008 18:07

I don't understand the original question. Isn't he legally obliged to pay maintenance? I'm sure it can be recalculated but surely it's not optional. And all this "he's never missed a payment." I should hope not.

izyboy · 15/10/2008 18:08

Well it appears to me from your posts that actually you are probably a sensible individual and that your DH will want the best for All of you.

If you can pick out the best bits of advice -Tidey has summarised, I think, then you can move forward.

It seems really apparent that you will have to cut down the maintenance payments and in doing so will actually probably bring about a fairer distibution of finances per child.

20k is after all not alot to keep a family of 3 going in the current climate. £400 per month would be an unfair amount to spend on 1 child under these circs.

izyboy · 15/10/2008 18:12

theirmums link seems helpful £35 pw seems about right to me.

TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 18:14

nkf, he is based on his income, she's not. Regardless of what anyone has posted on here, the "obligation" the OP has to pay is to her conscience only. If he stops working to be a househusband then he won't have to pay anything. Obviously her conscience is that she should pay something if her husband does become a house husband.

CarGirl · 15/10/2008 18:14

Of course if the SD lived with them then the reality is that it wouldn't cost £90 a week extra to cloth and feed her would it? Plus they would get extra CB & CTC for having a 3rd child living with them and yes they would have to provide for all 3 of them and all 3 of them would be getting very little!

nkf · 15/10/2008 18:15

I thought her income might be considered as their income. And therefore some of it would be due to his child from his first marriage.

izyboy · 15/10/2008 18:20

Tinkerbelle - that's an interesting point - I reckon the OP will probably help out. It must be a difficult position to be in but because the relationships are good I expect she will probably want to be fair but not jeopardise her own position. This is how I would be in her circs.

TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 18:42

No it's not, it's just the father's income. It used to be both incomes and they changed it - I think that's what old and new rules are about but I could be wrong.

TheHedgeWitch · 15/10/2008 18:43

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mosschops30 · 15/10/2008 18:46

well highwater if youd be happy with your dh for giving up a well paid job then good for you.
If it was mine I'd nail his balls to the wall

lets just be happy we dont live together eh as we seem to differ wildy in opinion

Original poster
postmanbob · 15/10/2008 18:47

thanks for the input so far....

to clarify, DH was never marriedto his ex (not sure how that makes a difference)and this has never been done throughthe csa.

I hadn't realised £208 a mth was the csa entitlement on a 30k salary and my DH is suprised to say the least. In light of this I am going to take the job and DH will give notice. We will tell his ex on ri when he collects SD.....no idea how she will take this, she can be easygoing about dificult things but a bit funny about things we didnt think were a problem so fingers crossed we can be amicable.

we are not going to use a childminder/nursery as we have strong feelings about that.I worl for 6hrs once a week andmy mum has the boys then....she is elderly so couldnt ask her to do anymore.

OP posts:
MsHighwater · 15/10/2008 18:49

mosschops30, what I would want my dh to do in our situation is no more relevant to the OP's dilemma than what you would want yours to do. That was my point.

mosschops30 · 15/10/2008 18:51

and thank you for making it!

Looks like theyre sorted now

Tamarto · 15/10/2008 18:52

There is a calculator on the CSA website. Use that for your calculations.

MsHighwater · 15/10/2008 18:54

PMB, I hope that it goes well for you.

TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 19:00

Well said TheHedgeWitch [applause]

postmanbob I hope you manage to get it all sorted out with her. If she gets awkward offer to get the CSA involved, but warn her she would get nothing.

FAQ · 15/10/2008 19:02

hope your SD's mother is ok, and that you can all come to an agreement that works for all of you.

izyboy · 15/10/2008 19:17

Goodluck PMB. Hope your DH enjoys being a SAHD. This could be a really interesting new chapter for you all!

Well, regarding step mum I expect she wont relish being say £300 per month worse off but I dont see you have any other way of going about it (it appears they will still be able to eat and survive so its reasonable). Oh and good luck with the job!

nooOOOoonki · 15/10/2008 19:22

I think that you are being hard on the OP,

but if I were her I would not stop payments but reduce them.

I am a step mum - we have two DCs together and DH has one other son.

I strongly feel that my DH should treat and prioritise all of his children as equally as possible.
So if we were doing well financially they would all benefit equally (holidays/more in their saving account/pressies etc). But adversely if we were doing badly they would ALL lose some money.

Now as the OP's DH is paying substantially over the CSA maintence payments I would argue that his DC was benefitting from a good spell, now that money is tighter everyone willhave to feel the squeeze. He should definately pay at least the CSA's recommendation as less than that is not only immoral but wrong.

As for whether OP should pay the maintence payments if her DH stops work, in a word Yes. When you married you took on a step-child and you have an obligation to that child.

Surfermum · 15/10/2008 19:23

Fio you have been the voice of reason on here, and Cargirl you are a breath of fresh air on a thread like this.

And I agree with Hedgwitch, I am very saddened at some of the opinions on her and the lack of empathy at PMB's situation.

Juliette108 · 15/10/2008 19:29

he does support her....he has always been there for her and she is welcome in our home wheever she pleases.

(OP)

I am afraid I too am the product of first family syndrome and the above sentence makes me feel really sad. 'welcome in our home'. Cheers, Dad.

Surfermum · 15/10/2008 19:33

Why does that make you feel sad Juliette?

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 15/10/2008 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 19:34

Again I'm thinking it's a good job it's not MN that writes the law

TheHedgeWitch · 15/10/2008 19:34

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