in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

[postmanbob]

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

Perhaps you can ring the CSA and ask ie give them the figures and explain you may go through them if you can't come to an amicable arrangement what would their assessment be? I don't think it will be much and you could probably hope to be able to pay a little bit more than you are assessed as having to pay to show financial committment and good will.

Now your DSD is older perhaps she would rather come and stay more in the holidays rather than her Mum pay for childcare that would certainly be a financial saving?

You may get a small increase in CTC when your income goes down anyway.

we have no other areas to budget FFS

we pay mortgage,council tax, utilities, telephone/broadband, life insurance, house insurance, car insurance, food.

we dont have holidays, we dont eat out ever, w dont buy many clothes and those we do are ebay, we dont have skytv, we use enough petrol to go to work and back,

what else can we cut back on????

iknow he is obliged to pay and so does my DH but if i take this job we cant

if i dont take the job and dh ismande redundant we cant pay fpr any of the children

cargirl - his ex doesnt pay childcare..she works p/t termtime at a university

On a practical note I would ask your dh to warn is ExW that he is likely to be made redundant very very soon. I would also accept the FT job and try and delay the start for a few weeks as clearly your dh is earning more at the momnet than you will be. You could ask to start in a months time to arrange you childcare ie your dh gives his notice.

thankyou fio, I appreciate that.

andi just wanted to add thatmy DH is a wonderful father and has been as involved with his daughter as he is with our 2. We enjoy having her here and I
have a good relationship with her.......she knows we are not as well off as her mum and stepdad and doesnt ask for things all the time like alot of tweens. She adores our boys and they love her too.

we really dont want to rock the boat at all but we have to consider the future of out little family as well and a secure job that pays the mortgage and puts food on the table (for all) will benefit SD too

I am at the people who are accusing the OP and her DH of wanting to treat the 1st child differently from their own 2 when these, generally, seem to be the same people who are saying that OP's DH should do whatever it takes including cut down on family spending (without knowing what scope there is to do that) and to get a second job (at the cost of family time with all 3 kids). Apparently it's OK to treat the second family's kids less favourably than their older half-sibling .

OP said at the start that her DSD's mum would not suffer financial hardship if they stopped the maintenance. As long as they are not making this change with the sole intention of depriving the DSD of maintenance then it is not unreasonable to reduce, or even to stop, the payment if that is what will be required so that all 3 of his kids have the chance to enjoy a reasonably comfortable lifestyle.

momnet? is that the American version of the site?

How is pmbob's DSD going to suffer? She lives with her mum and sd who are well off, so materially her needs are met, plus she has the love of two sets of parents.

Hopefully if pmbobs DH has a good relationship with his ex, and his daughter, they will understand that if he is made redundant (which is not a 'choice' ) then there will be no money for maintenance payments. He isnt withdrawing love or care - just money which his DD and ex will not miss, by pmbobs account.

'momnet? is that the American version of the site? '

I can state unequivocally that this site as it is would never exist in the US.

Kerry - why shouldnt the SD suffer? The two children that live in the house with their fatheer will suffer as there will be a 10k drop in household income.

Surely all children should be treated the same?

I suspect that some people are making assumptions about unconnected stuff (like maybe how the OP's dh's first marriage broke up and whose fault it was?) and that this is colouring their views.

Or possibly venting their feelings about situations in their own lives rather than dealing with the situation the OP has actually presented.

sounds like you are in a difficult position and, for the little it is worth, I do not think you sound anything other than a caring parent trying to juggle commitments and family life. I offer you only understanding and my sympathy. Sorry not able to offer practical advice. Those figures Fio quoted sounded a good starting point though. I can see you want the best all round and hope you find the least messy route through all of this soon x

I dont understand why you cant both work.
You take the full time job, he keeps going for as long as he can in his construction job, so that you are BOTH earning, and you pay a childminder/nursery for childcare. I assume you have some childcare arrangements in place already seeing as you work part time.

NO. You cannot just stop paying maintenance, even if you could legally, it just isnt right. It is downright arsy.

It is a luxury for a family to have grown up fully capable adults staying at home. Times have changed, people should work and earn the keep of all their children.

I don't think YABU at all.

If you're struggling to feed and clothe your own children, its only natural to resent having to pay money toward the keep of someone elses child. Especially if they are not struggling as you are.

I would take the job and then get CSA to look at how much he should pay.

Yes he has a responibilty to his first child but you have a responsibilty to make sure yours are ok too IMO.

Finally, YANBU.

If the step daughter is well provided for by mother and step father then that makes a big difference-I would have thought that it was a good idea to discuss it with ex wife.
All cases are different so it is impossible to make a blanket judgement.

Ring the CSA and they will reduce maintenance payments accordingly.

not read it all through, but based on the OP, I feel it would be wrong to stop payments altogether.

Some contribution to his DD upbringing is essential.

The knock on effect you could have on dd family may be just as bad. They too are no doubt relying on the maintenance payments, and helping t improve your financial situation may not help them.

On the other hand, I can see you are both very caring parents and are trying to think of the best way forward. It is a tricky one, but I suppose you need to look further than this at the knock on effect it has elsewhere and also put yourself in the same shoes as EW. Hopefully it wouldnt happen but imagine if it was you and your payments stopped for your children?

Hope you manage to sort things though

"it is impossible to make a blanket judgement"

AbbeyA, on the contrary, several people on this thread seem to have found it extremely easy to do just that!