in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

[postmanbob]

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

So glad it worked out well for you - must be a huge relief to know there won't be any squabbling at what is a difficult time. Good luck in your new job!

pmb, glad it all worked out and that dsd's Mum was reasonable. She must be a MNer!

glad it' s resolved for the best. hatwoman, i so agree with you. treating children equally does not mean the same!! if only we could all remember this - and with divided families it is more than money/financial worth of stuff, being together, sharing activities and time is really important - if neither side is not short of cash it's a lot easier to do of course. poverty makes us all poorer

not all xws are bad and not al stms are either all it takes is a bit of reasonable thought!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well done for sorting this!!!!!!!!!!

postmanbob, glad your dh and his ex are able to talk things through so amicably. And I think that's very nice about suggesting that you keep money to spend on stepdaughter when she visits you.

Good luck with the new job.

I've been thinking about this treating them equally/ treating them the same thing. I'm not sure either is truly possible or if it is, how do you judge it? How can you say how much money you give to your children? You pay out the same bills pretty much, the food bill goes up slightly and you have to buy clothes, pay for school things. If you can quantify how much each child costs, how do you work that out as a figure for your other child? In the OPs case the DSD costs a lot more than her half-brothers. Does treating them equally mean using the cost of the half-brothers and halving it (as the mother should be paying half towards her own children) or should the NRP be paying half towards keeping her in the manner to which she is accustomed to the detriment of his second family?

I'm sure these musings could be continued.

So glad your dsd'd Mum hads been so good postmanbob, this thread is mental IMO. With people suggesting you cut down your budget to allow the minimum possible standard of life whilst your dsd is off on foreign holiday's and looked after really well. Surely if they take in to account your earnings in CSA payments they should take into account the Mum's partners earnings fgs.

I haven't been in this situation but seems really unfair.

postmanbob, really pleased things went smoothly. Good luck with your new job.

tinkerbellesmum - i agree. had chat with kids this summer on hol about it. they are 3 half siblings (technically but utterly full siblings in all ways)

• i'd bought dsd a pair of earings that were lovely as i just saw them and thought of her. dh said' what did you get the others, you cant buy one something and not the others'.

talked to 3 kids and they said it was daft they all get stuff at different times and it all works out, why should you have to look for things to make it fair, it doesnt have to be the same all the time. And tellingly, we know you love us all. (and this from the dss i have most battles with!!).

made me happy

They way I look at it is that dsd has two lots of opportunities. Those she has with her mum and those she has with us. Dd has one lot of opportunities.

They both get things from us, dsd gets things from her mum and sometimes dd gets things from us and we don't get anything for dsd.

But what I feel is far more important than anything we can buy for them is that they both feel that we love them, support them and nurture them, and that in our eyes they are equals. You can't put a price on that.

overthemill my brothers children get far more spent on them by our mum than Tink does because my SIL won't allow her to buy one without the other. So everytime she sees a nice little T-shirt, down to 50p in a sale, she then has to look for four other items to go with it! I wouldn't dream of asking her to do that for Tink. I believe like you, it works out in the end. I don't buy for my brothers kids outside of birthdays and Christmas because I can't be bothered to get into it.

surfermum - totally agree. my dsc get so much stuff/trips/activities especially as they've ended up with 4sets of grandparents/aunts/ uncles! they arelucky.

dsd moaned like like mad in the summer that it was 'so unfair she had to go on 3 holidays' (ours, her mum and step dad and her maternal grandparenst!!) as she wanted to be at home with her mates - last year she wnet to greece, turkey, france, usa, cumbria and cornwall all on hols...

really its shocking how lucky they are - as none of us are badly off thank goodness

Hi,

tinkerbellesmum - i think you were referring to my post when i said that we pay more than £400 a month but have dsd 60% of the time?

Partner is still NRP as mum has the child benefit, tax credits etc.
It's all abit complicated, basically, we have dsd every weekend all weekend, all school holidays and bank holidays etc as dsd's mum doesn't cope very well now. She has a very very small flat which contains her, her husband, two large dogs kept in a cage in the living room, a toddler, the husbands dd from a previous and also there is a baby on the way. (the flat is 2 bed).
Social services are involved, dsd currently attends school and stays at her mums and various grandparents/aunts etc during the week then with us at the weekend.
It's likely that she will be with us permanently very soon unless her mum finds suitable accomodation for them all and does various other things as well.
We pay over the csa amounts as dsd's mum is literally potless, although we know that the money partner pays is used as the household income and we still buy all dsd's clothes, uniform etc etc we also know that if we reduced the maintenence to csa levels that would have quite a large effect on the household and in turn dsd so we maintain the level agreed at the moment.

Sorry, meant to say, fantasic news PMB, i'm really glad it's worked out for you.

I couldn't remember who had said it or what was in the post, it was just the 60% of the time with the NRP that stayed in my head and boggled me. The RP is the one who has the child the most I always thought and the maintenance rates worked out to adjust for the difference between who has them when. TBH at 60/40 I would wonder why it was essential for either side to pay it anyway.

Reducing to CSA levels wouldn't happen, it would go the other way with them having to pay you. Sounds like a very noble thing you are doing.

Not noble, necessary.

If anyone is wondering about the new rules for 2010 that were mentioned. This is nearly 100 pages long but it does describe things quite well if you find the right chunks. Basically they are going to stop the disregard rules and from this year you can make your own arrangements if you would rather without having to go through the CSA when you are on benefits.

Necessary for her, but not for you, I'd call that noble.