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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

470 replies

postmanbob · 15/10/2008 12:49

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

OP posts:
bubblerock · 15/10/2008 12:59

I'm sure they take the new spouse's income into account - they did when I got together with DH 13 years ago. I was gobsmacked back then that I had to pay for 'his' kids!

Original poster
postmanbob · 15/10/2008 13:00

i don;t suppose that DH being around more.....after school etc and in the school holidays makes it any better does it??

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 15/10/2008 13:00

She's his daughter, he has to support her.

Why can't he continue working, even if only part time, as well?

bubblerock · 15/10/2008 13:00

Really poppy?? It must have changed since we had to pay then.

FioFio · 15/10/2008 13:00

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tooscaredtothink · 15/10/2008 13:01

Why can't you both work? Of course you should take this job if it will mean financial security for you but if he has any self respect at all he should continue working even if it just brings in enough to pay for his daughter.

that anyone would think this is ok to do.

Tidey · 15/10/2008 13:01

If it's an arrangement between your DH and his XP, then you should try and negotiate it so he's still paying something, at least. Won't you be getting money throught tax credits and child benefit?

I thought CSA payments were decided on the man's income, can they take money from her instead? Surely she's not financially responsible for his daughter?

PoppyCoc · 15/10/2008 13:01

That may be under old rules bubblerock (CS1) but not under new rules (CS2)

Overmydeadbody · 15/10/2008 13:01

No, that doesn't make it better.

You wouldn't just stop buying stuff for one of your kids would you? It is the same thing.

He has to support her. end of.

Original poster
postmanbob · 15/10/2008 13:02

well we are struggling to pay for clothes and food for both children

OP posts:
DaphneMoon · 15/10/2008 13:02

You do need to pay something as it is his daughter and it is irrelevant where she actually lives. However, I am on your side, we pay an extortionate amount IMO for my DP's DC. I know the ex would moan if we reduced it, we have to go without so that they can have the same amount every month. He has not missed a single payment since the day they split. It will amount to more than 100k when he can finally stop paying. The best thing is the ex re-married, but will not reduce the amount we pay. We are paying the equivelent to a mortgage payment. Therefore we have two incomes and two mortgages, she has two incomes and no mortgage. Tell me where the justice is in that? So IMO YANBU, however you must make some payment towards her upbringing.

Snaf · 15/10/2008 13:03

Absolutely completely and utterly unreasonable. I realise times are tough but child maintenance is the last thing that should be cut back on.

It's irrelevant whether or not it causes his xw financial hardship (how do you know this for sure?) Your dh has a child whom he is legally and morally obliged to support.

Would you think it was okay if the shoe was on the other foot and one of your children was not going to be supported by their father?

You need to make some effort to contribute, even if at a lower rate for the time being.

PoppyCoc · 15/10/2008 13:03

They do treat tax credits as income for the NRP though so you may still have to pay something if you recieve these

Carmenere · 15/10/2008 13:03

Well he can go and get a job in a pub at night when you are home. He has to support her and if he doesn't, what is to stop him not supporting your dc's if you split up?

kingfix · 15/10/2008 13:03

surely your dh is the one to have the say baout this, as the child is his daughter? If your incomes go down i guess you can negotiate a lower amount of maintenance, but she is still his child and he still needs to support her financially even though he's not with her mother and has other children with you. IME, (I have had 3 stepmothers, btw, good old dad) the new wives often regard maintenance as something their dh is giving his ex-W, and that causes the resentment. But I ahve to re-iterate (bitter, me, what do you mean) that regardless of what happens to the relationship between his parents she is still his daughter and he still owes it to her to look after her. I know it's an obviuos thing to say, but how would you want him to behave if he left you and had more children with another woman? Money would be even tighter then, should your children move down the pecking order? I sound angry, and I'm not angry with you, OP of course, because I don't know you, but I do still seethe at my own dad for just caving into all his subsequent wives and leaving me with bugger all. Gosh, I feel better now.

FourArms · 15/10/2008 13:03

Or perhaps talk to his DD's mother. Does she currently work? Perhaps if your DH offered to look after her during all school holidays (if close enough) so that her mum didn't have to pay for childcare, then that, combined with a reduction (rather than stopping) his maintenance, could be a compromise.

Original poster
postmanbob · 15/10/2008 13:03

yes we do get tax credits and child benefit but thats for our children. His ex gets it for SD.....cant see why we should pay that to her?

OP posts:
frankbestfriend · 15/10/2008 13:04

I don't think you are being unreasonable to contemplate it.

If you are earning less the amount you pay needs to be recalculated, and I can't see what is unreasonable about that.

Your sd is old enough for you to explain the situation to her, and if your relationship is as strong as you say I am sure she would understand.

If you had asked if you were BU to go on a luxury holiday and stop maintainance I could understand the reactions, but this is about surviving financially.

Stopping all payment is a bit much, but if you are earnng less you should be paying less, surely?

Do the CSA really take the wifes salary into account? I thought it wasn't included in their calculations.

HappyThoughts · 15/10/2008 13:04

I am certain that the CSA will take your income into account.

It is household income that they will be interested in.

If your partner stays home to raise your children, any money you earn is as much his as it is yours.

If he earns nothing, he is financially dependant upon you. Therefore, any dependants of his will also be dependant on you.

bubblerock · 15/10/2008 13:05

I'm glad it's changed - do you think I can claim my money back? LOL

There is a CSA calculator HERE

FioFio · 15/10/2008 13:05

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sunnygirl1412 · 15/10/2008 13:05

Postmanbob - can you or your dh talk about this with his ds's mum? If she knows that he's being open and honest about his and your situation, hopefully they will be able to agree a lower payment that you can afford.

In years to come, your sd will be able to see that even when his circumstances changed, her father still did his best for her financially as well as emotionally - even if all you can manage for a while is a token payment.

Tidey · 15/10/2008 13:06

Much as the CSA have screwed people over and are useless, I can see why there needs to be some kind of body that sorts out these issues. A much better one though.

PoppyCoc · 15/10/2008 13:06

Then you have to pay maintence, it is irrevalant that you recieve the tax credits for your children. They are still classed as income.

His ex income and benfits are irrelvant when working out your payments on the new system (cs2)

Dropdeadfred · 15/10/2008 13:06

your d shouldn't give up his job unlss he gets made redundant, in the mean time get a child minder