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AIBU?

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Original poster

in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

470 replies

postmanbob · 15/10/2008 12:49

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 15/10/2008 16:03

I am really disgusted that the general consensus is that only the father is financially responsible for his children.

I receive maintenance as assessed by the CSA (under the old system) I full expect that one day it will be reduced when he has more children. Yes at the minute he can afford what he pays but if he loses his job then he won't be able to will he, that's life.

Reality is for us if maintenance stops I may have to go out to work, that is something I accept because that's life. I don't think my ex should not have anymore children, get married etc etc because many years ago we had a child. I've gone on and chosen to have more children surely he has the same right to a family life?

I think being there emotionally is far more important than not be able to earn enough to contribute financially for a few years. Surely there are many many families about to have their lifestyle drastically change over the next year or so should you really be exempt because one of your parents has remarried and had other children, you should get lots of luxuries still whilst your siblings get nothing?

dittany · 15/10/2008 16:04

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocolatemummy · 15/10/2008 16:05

Cargirl.........good for you

bossykate · 15/10/2008 16:07

it is one thing to lose a job - it's entirely another not to bother looking for another one and f*ck the maintenance!

AbbeyA · 15/10/2008 16:09

I agree dittany, it tells his DC1 that she isn't as important as her half siblings. How can you possibly have 3 children and treat one of them differently from the other two?

TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 16:10

Well said CarGirl.

I find it appalling that people think it will affect his relationship with his daughter, my DSS's don't know what their father gives their mother, they don't care they have everything they need and a Daddy who loves them, takes them out and plays with them.

FioFio · 15/10/2008 16:12

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purpleduck · 15/10/2008 16:13

To OP

Why can't your DH do some part time, private work?
My friends dh is a builder, and he is CONSTANTLY being asked to do jobs for people.

I don't understand why your dh has to go down to nothing?
You work very part time, why can't he? He could probably do very well at it as well.
Are your dcs in school?

PoppyCoc · 15/10/2008 16:13

Cargirl - You are the first PWC I've 'spoke' to that has that opinion, how I wish you was my dh's ex.

FioFio · 15/10/2008 16:14

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chocolatemummy · 15/10/2008 16:15

poppycoc...lol, me too!

nooka · 15/10/2008 16:21

Surely if you have children in different circumstances it is unavoidable to treat them differently? The children you live with all the time are going to have a different experience than those you see at the weekend. How can that not be different? How much you send on your children surely depends on how much you have. Family finances usually fluctuate over time. Those who have large families may well spend different amounts on their children when times are good and when times are not so good (usually there being more money as careers progress, but conversely there could be more money when there are fewer children). That does not necessarily translate into loving any of those children more or less does it?

If 400 pounds a month disappearing from the ex's income will really not cause her any financial hardship, then it follows that the ex is actually considerably better off than the OP and her family, so I can't see how this is making the SD suffer over the "new" children. Especially as the OP has stated that they are struggling to feed and clothe them. Now you could say that they shouldn't have had them, but the deed is done and the children are there now.

I think either the CSA or negotiation is the way ahead.

Original poster
postmanbob · 15/10/2008 16:21

ok....thanks for the input

to clarify:

the £400 was an amount agreed on before I even met my DH, it was between his ex and him and the csa have never been involved. This amount has been set for many years and has not changed when we had either child.

my DH earns around the 30k mark, my new job pays 20k

his ex has another older child and is living with new partner. They've been together years now. She works p/t and he has a well paid job.

my SD will have no clue we have stopped/ reduced the payments because it has never been discussed with her by us or her mother.

my DH feels the same way as I do about this issue...we want one of us to have a secure job as a priority

we have no spare cash so splitting anything between 3 children is not possible. But...surely if this were a way to work it out it should not be split 3 ways?

why are my children less important?

DH could get an evening/ weekend job but then he wont be seeing his kids at all and SD at all

OP posts:
TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 16:21

Me too lol. I think the world would come to an end if TBD got laid off!

The construction industry is in real trouble at the moment. Fortunately doesn't affect TBD as much as it would a builder.

ShauntheSheep · 15/10/2008 16:24

Why is it telling his daughter that she isnt as important as the other two? If they dont reduce the maintainance they will be living in poverty adn that is telling the other 2 that they arent as important as dp's first child.

FioFio · 15/10/2008 16:25

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FioFio · 15/10/2008 16:25

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nooka · 15/10/2008 16:28

Two pre-school children. Very very part time to me equates to a few hours a week. I would suspect it would be much harder for a man to find work on such a part time basis, although I am sure not impossible. It doesn't sound as if they have thought that far ahead though, and ad hoc work isn't going to bring in a reliable income, I guess.

Original poster
postmanbob · 15/10/2008 16:28

thankyou fio

i feel sick at the thought though

if his ex goes to csa will they just take into account our taxcredits/child benefit then because I fear we'd be even worse off otherwise

OP posts:
CarGirl · 15/10/2008 16:29

The £200 per month maintenance I used to receive was the difference in income that made it possible for me to work part time and later be a SAHM with my younger children, I am so grateful that I was able to do that. I now receive more and it is money we put aside rather than money we think of as our monthly income because I am very aware that one day it could just stop/reduce out of the blue.

No we don't have a big income either but our mortgage is affordable, we have a clapped out car, no holidays, 2nd hand everything, live frugally. I have a happy family life and I would not change that for the world being bitter over money gets you nowhere.

Lurkinaround · 15/10/2008 16:30

I've not read the whole thread just the OP and your last post. Your children are not less important. All his children are equally important.

My ex-h has two children with his new wife and also supports her eldest daughter from another relationship who lives with them. Our DDs (with me) get no support from him at all, financial or otherwise. You knew he had a child when you met him and therefore that responsibility is something to be factored in to any decision you make, not cut out just because it makes things easier financially for you. You will have to find other areas to budget.

And whether his ex-h is earning nothing or 100k is irrelevant. His child, his responsibility.

TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 16:31

They can only take in CTC, not CB and only if it's in his name.

gingerninja · 15/10/2008 16:33

I think that's a hefty amount too. If you were theoretically spending £400 on (the upkeep) of each of the children (ie treating them equally as others have suggested) plus a mortgage I can't see you having a great deal if any change. I think you should review it annually and work out a living allowance for each of you (minus the mortgage) and pay her 1/5 of that. Or ask the CSA to get involved.

Lurkinaround · 15/10/2008 16:35

Obviously, if circumstance have changed since the arrangement was made then the amount of maintenance paid may be less now but he still needs to contribute something.

Lurkinaround · 15/10/2008 16:35

Obviously, if circumstance have changed since the arrangement was made then the amount of maintenance paid may be less now but he still needs to contribute something.

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