in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

[postmanbob]

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

FAQ - my suggestion was that she took the job (with a childminder for the children) and her H continues in his job for as long as poss

Just out of interest, PMB, what does your DP think? All of this seems to be coming from you, and the responsibility's not entirely yours!

aGREE with Scary teacher and Shaunthesheep.

We currently pay more than the op every month. If partner loses his job,(which is highly likely) i cannot afford to pay that amount plus mortgage, food, clothes, essential bills (ie council tax and utilities). That's with all luxuries cut out.
Bear in mind that we have DSD 60/40 in our favour and i buy all clothes,school uniforms and shoes, pay for school trips etc.

we would have to reduce the amount to reflect the change in circumstances.

I think you have to remember that the op will still be feeding and clothing her DSD whilst she is in her care as well. It isn't as if the DSD will be left destitute on the streets in a sackcloth. The DSD's mum will still be feeding and clothing her as well. The op's family home would be at risk if they continued to pay the amount quoted if her husband loses his job. Then the DSD would be affected adversely as her father probably wouldn't have the accomodation for her when she should be staying with him.

And also, the op did ask for different options in a subsequent post.

I think there is a massive difference in someone panicking in a financial crisis and asking the question, to someone who wilfully refuses maintenence on a whim.

Also, i don't think the op is intimating that this would be a permanent situation. The markets will recover and the husband would presumably be continuing to look for a secure position to allow the miantenence payments to be resumed as normal.

OP - if i were you i would get your husband to discuss it properly with hubbys ex, put forward the situation and offer a couple of alternatives, ie state that this is the situation but you will be doing x y z to up the household income in the future.
If his ex can understand that this is a difficult time financially but that your husband wants to find a way to continue to meet his responsibilities financially then she will probably be more amenable to a short term change.

Only read OP, can't you renogiate a lower amount, even if a token amount that you can afford. If your DH is out of work, that affects ALL of his children. Personally given the same situation, I would attempt to pay probably about half of what is being paid now out of my salary.

Thin air or not, you are responsible for a child the minute you make the decision to lay down and create one. If you can not make the arranged amount then you should negotiate an amount you can afford, not stop taking responsibility for a child you are responsible for!

If its £50 a week, explain your position, your circumstances, and that now it will be £20, explain that this is the same % of your wage but it is now a lesser wage, but do not neglect to pay, you will make an enenmy of the mother, which could alienate the sd.

Your DH has 3 DCs not 2DCs, he shouldn't treat them differently. You knew that he had responsibilities when you married him so YABU.

I hate the line 'you knew he had children when you meet him blah blah'

You meet a man, you fall in love and because he has child/ren from a previous relationship your expected to sit down and write out a lifetime financial plan before you can have children together.

£16 a week per child easily covers their food - and I have 2 big eaters! I spend (on average) £40/50 a week to feed all 4 of us, and keep my house clean, and nappies on DS3's bottom....

why should the OP's DH split their spare money by 3 to decide how much the SD's mother is given for maintenance?

Surely he also pays for food when the SD stays at their house - even the CSA take a proportion out of the maintenance figure for the NRP to "keep" to cover some of the costs of them staying with them.

If the OP split any left over money each month and divided by 3, then the SD would actually end up getting more than her own children (unless she asks the SD's mother to provide food etc when the SD stays over.....)

Yes, Poppycoc

That is precisely what you should be doing?

What kinf of world do you inhabit. Falling in love is not like being blasted away by a tornado. It comes with choices and responsibilities. If you choose to make your life and have dcs with someone who already has dcs than you have to take their existence into financial account and plan as much as possible. To do otherwise is selfishness in the extreme.

oh and FWIW - exH gets to "keep" aprrox £3 a week of the amount they worked out (per child) for costs when he has them - I think nearly £10 for the basics for 3 children for one night is week is rather generous!

"Your DH has 3 DCs not 2DCs, he shouldn't treat them differently."

But he would be treating them differently if he puts the OPs two kids below the breadline /into debt /causes house repossession etc etc by continuing to pay maintainence he cant afford for his 1 other child. This will also in the long run ahve a HUGE impact on hsi first child as how can they afford to have her round if they cant even afford to feed themselves????

yes poppycoc you are; just the same as if you were a lone mother deciding whether to have children with a new partner

My guess is that part of the £400 pounds is for childcare (as v. hard for lone mothers to work full time). If your dp was a stay at home dad could he reduce the childcare costs by picking up his daughter after school everyday? [ just a thought]

Agree entirely Poppycoc.

Agree the splitting 3 ways isn't entirely fair as the other children don't live in the house and have a seperate income too. OP isn't responsible for the children and wouldn't legally be expected to pay but it is perfectly fair and reasonable to reduce the payments under the circs.

So by that logic I shouldnt have children? I should die childless?

How do we know that the ex is a lone parent? She could be remarried and doing nicely thank you, and could afford for the maintenance to be reduced. The op's dh doesn't seem like someone who is trying to renege on his responsibilities; just rearrange them while his job is at risk.

Poppycoc, you've chosen an appropriate name. If you start a relationship with a parent, you know they have existing responsibilities.

YABTU

How does it feel to be with a man who can just stop supporting his daughter like that.

I'd say stopping maintenance payment is more than just 'rearranging' them.

OP and her dh are taking a decision about who earns and who stays at home. Should have no bearing on maintenance -that's an existing obligation that they should factor into their decision.

And because we cant plan every finacial eventuality I should not be allowed to have children with the man I love?g

Edam - try to answer without the insults

aying that.

Just remember that children that are all ready here still need supporting no matter how many other children are born.

let's put the shoe on the other foot.

what if the child in question was you or your child.

would you still think, 'cool. that's okay that Dad/ex h stays home looking after his new family and doesn't pay me a bean. fuck it. let the state/taxpayer look after him because God forbid a silly thing like child support stand in the way of what he, a grown adult, wants to do?'

i somehow doubt it.

'I'm sure she will make a big fuss.'

Um, yeah, you'd better believe it.

oh I dont think i want to get into this one really! BUT I do think its whatever you can reasonably afford at the time, we used to pay over £200 a month and now we pay a fraction of that because we just can't afford it and it was assessed by CSA.
I dont think it about dropping responsibility for the other child I think its about one household income here. If SD's mother and partner are bringing in a stable amount and its the same or more than the fathers household, surely its reasonable not to reduce or stop the amount until they sort their finances out, nobody wants a family to lose their home or be destitute unecessarily surely.

Although, I do think that the dad could look for another job maybe

IMO payments should be proportional to what you earn so if you're taking an income cut then all expenditure should be reduced and vice versa.

I think morally you should be paying something towards SD. You've decided as a family that the joint income should be earned by you and therefore you're covering all joint expenditure. I think it's hugely unfair to stop payments to SD just because the dynamic of who is working has changed.

Can I add thatI do think the op should pay, I just hate some of the trite that gets trotted about when people are discussing 'second' families