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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

470 replies

postmanbob · 15/10/2008 12:49

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

OP posts:

FioFio · 15/10/2008 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 15/10/2008 13:20

I am afraid you should try to find the money from somewhere.

It is his daughter, whatever his new family arrangement.

MadameCastafiore · 15/10/2008 13:21

OFFS - It makes you cross - you are a family - your money is his you should be bloody liable!

Think if it was the SDs mum posting that her husband had chucked in his job so the new wife could go to work and he wouldn;t have to pay maintenance - what would we all be saying - I can tell you - that he is the biggest bastard ever and has no scruples or morals as a father!

Snaf · 15/10/2008 13:21

£400 does seem like quite a lot. Fwiw, xh pays £150 pcm for ds, which is slightly less than the CSA would ask for, but it's a compromise we have reached between us.

OK, so it seems your only real option is to sit down with xw and have an honest discussion about what you can afford to pay at the moment. You know you cannot cut payments unilaterally, but you must be able to come to a decision together, surely?

bellavita · 15/10/2008 13:22

postmanbob - you do not say if the £400 was agreed between yourselves or if it is what the CSA calculation?

bellavita · 15/10/2008 13:23

should say calculate

AuntyJ · 15/10/2008 13:23

Postmanbob- have your husband sat down and discussed the sistuation with his dd mother?
I know this happend to a friend of ours and they sat down and thrashed out another agreement.
Surley she cant be that heartless to see your family suffer?

nooka · 15/10/2008 13:30

That's not terribly fair though is it. The OP is trying to work out how her family can survive the downturn in the construction industry, and the proposal that she gets a safe job to replace his very unsafe job is hardly the same as jacking in his job to avoid making payments is it?

ShauntheSheep · 15/10/2008 13:31

No the CSA will not take your income into account. They will only take into accoutn that you have an income coming in to pay for your own children. If you dp loses his job nad has no income then they will assess him as having no income and accordingly will reduce his payments to nothing. Tax credits are only taken into account if his income is higher than yours.

Miyazaki · 15/10/2008 13:37

ergh.

jellybeans · 15/10/2008 13:42

YABU You can't cut back on that as it is an essential, not optional. I have a friend who made her DH give up his job as it meant paying less/no maintenence and she got a job. She gave up work eventually as she learned that as the full time carer, her DP would probably get full custody if they split. Would you be happy if that was the case for you? Her and her DP were always moaning about paying maintenence and always saying the ex spent it on herself etc (yeah right like £25 a week would do, barely covered school dinners!!) In the end she stopped him seeing his kids!! Not saying that OP is like this but it is these types of people who stop maintenence.

scaryteacher · 15/10/2008 13:44

Give the girl a break - she's trying to juggle a lot.

If she can't afford maintenance how is paying for childcare going to help? If her dh's job disappears due to the current economic crisis then she'll have free childcare, so why pay for it?

As for 'It is again a post from a woman who thinks it is perfectly acceptable to put her children before that of her DHs first children/child!' Of course she does. She gave birth to them, and they are her prime responsibility, and I fail to see how you could or should expect her to feel otherwise.

I think that you need to pay something - a token amount if that is all you can afford - and explain to your dh's ex that it isn't because sd is loved any less, but that times are hard and that there isn't the money available any more. Are there any jobs that your dh could do 'in kind' as it were to make up the amount of maintenance to hid former wife - doing afterschool care and holiday care for your sd was mentioned - that could be costed and maybe there are oddjobs he could do for her to show willing.

If the OPs sd has been used to the fact that her parents weren't together from a very young age, and the OP and her dh have a good relationship with sd, then as long as the contact is maintained, I don't see that explaining he can't keep up the same level of maintenance is going to 'send any message'. In fact, if the adults are grown up and sensible about it, then hopefully sd will not know anything about it.

Good luck to you Postmanbob, take the job and do what you can. Money cannot be conjured out of thin air.

nooka · 15/10/2008 13:45

Yes I wondered how the SD would know - surely at this age the payment is to the mother, not the daughter?

bythepowerofgreyskull · 15/10/2008 13:46

I understand you are trying to juggle things but perhaps you as a family unit have too many financial responsibilities for your DH to give up work and look after the kids.. is there a way of him taking a part time job that the wages will literally cover the payments.

BlingLovin · 15/10/2008 13:48

What? fathers pay £16 per week per child? or £150 pcm? I'm horrified. Is that normal? It seems incredibly low. That would barely cover food?

TheBlonde · 15/10/2008 13:50

YANBU

To all the posters saying you must pay, cut back more etc...
Do you think SD's mother cares about how much £ the OP's children have to survive on? I doubt it

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/10/2008 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Penthesileia · 15/10/2008 13:52

I thought that, BlingLovin, but was too nervous to say so. Mind, we don't know FAQ's DP's income, so it's not fair, maybe, to comment.

PoppyCoc · 15/10/2008 13:53

You're hoffified by £150 a month???????

rebelmum1 · 15/10/2008 13:53

I think you should reduce payments under the circumstances which is very reasonable but i wouldn't stop them all together it will cause a lot of friction and upset.

TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 13:53

I haven't read all the posts because from the few I've looked at, it doesn't look like I want to!

I think that, without knowing his current salary, he has been paying quite a high amount. My OH pays less than that for two and he's over paying so much she's having my share.

If your husband's job is in a difficult position then you need to make future plans and it sounds like you have got a good one worked out. I don't care what anyone else says, you have to provide food and a home for your house before anyone or anything else. You can't take food from your own children's mouths and clothes from their back to pay out for his other child, she has another parent too.

I would apply to the CSA and make the arrangements official following their rules. If it turns out that he can stop giving money, then you can look at making a voluntary payment based on what you can afford.

Penthesileia · 15/10/2008 13:54

TheBlonde: you don't know that, to be fair.

PoppyCoc · 15/10/2008 13:54

horrified

Marne · 15/10/2008 13:55

Hav't read all the post's but CSA won't take your wages in to acount, if your dh is not working he will not have to pay or may have to pay a smaller amount.

Dh has 3 children from his ex, when we had dd1 dh was suffering from depression and gave up work, he looked after dd1 whilst i worked 25-30 hours a week, dh did'nt pay maintenance because we were living on my wage of £160 a week.

Now dh works part time and i have given up work to become dd2's carer (she has ASD), dh pays maintenece (low rate).

At the moment dh cant work any more hours due to health problems. We would like to be able to pay more for the children but if we did we would loose our rented house. We pay for the step childrens school trips, clothes (if needed), shoes and we often help out with other things they may need. They get evrything that our children get.

I can see both sides to this one as you should pay something for your sd upkeep but you don't want your own family to suffer/miss out.

ShauntheSheep · 15/10/2008 13:56

Maybe the OP should give up work altogether and then when her dp gets made redundant they can sit back and claim benefits!!! Cos money cannnot come out of thin air like a lot of people here seem to be suggesting. If the OP cant pay she cant pay its that simple. For some people there is no money left over after the bills are paid and the food bought. what is she to do??? Get into debt???? Liek who is that going to help?

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