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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

470 replies

postmanbob · 15/10/2008 12:49

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

OP posts:
FioFio · 15/10/2008 13:07

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Original poster
postmanbob · 15/10/2008 13:07

ok so we are talking going from £400a mth to £40-50

OP posts:
Original poster
postmanbob · 15/10/2008 13:08

do you have experience of this fio??

OP posts:
Merrylegs · 15/10/2008 13:09

If you have a lower income then presumably the maintenance payments would be adjusted accordingly? Perhaps you can make cuts elsewhere - if you haven't already - (family holiday/reduce food bill etc) rather than maintenance payments. Sounds a pretty low blow for an 11 year old, regardless of ex's financial situation.

beanieb · 15/10/2008 13:09

What an awful thing to condsider doing. If you are going to reduce the payments then you should get the CSA to Assess your husband's income and set a new rate.

edam · 15/10/2008 13:10

How would you feel if dh said: "Things are a bit tight, I don't think we can afford to buy the youngest kid any food this week?"

He can't just choose which child out of the three to feed, clothe and house. He has a duty to support all of them. That doesn't change if you decide to take a full time job and he stays at home. You would have a moral responsibility to shoulder the maintenance as the wage-earner.

You have to take ALL the children into account when you are deciding what to do, not just ditch his eldest daughter because she's a bit inconvenient.

You know what the maintenance payments are, you factor them into your sums.

PoppyCoc · 15/10/2008 13:10

Wrong happy thoughts. If she is on CS2 there is no such thing as household income.

BUT are you already paying through CSA now?

If you are then you are on tricky ground. His ex can tell the CSA that he stopped working to reduce his CSA payments and then she has grounds for an appeal. It called 'deprivation of income' which may result in an independant tribunal going through all your ban statements, mortage payments, pension plans etc.

Tidey · 15/10/2008 13:10

If it's down to the XW to agree to accept lower payments and she won't, then perhaps you should work out how much your DH would be paying if it was worked out by the CSA? Would it be less then?

FAQ · 15/10/2008 13:10

agree that you should talk to SD's mother to see if a compromise can be reached.

DDF - if your DH's job was on the line in this current economic climate , and you had a chance of secure job - would you tell him to keep working until he lost it?

I certainly wouldn't - if I was in the OP's position (even if you take the SD out of the equation) I would take the secure job rather than wait until my OH had lost his job and we were without money!!

Penthesileia · 15/10/2008 13:12

But surely your dh spends more than £40-50 on each of your children? He should "spend" the same amount on dsd too.

edam · 15/10/2008 13:13

Your new salary is enough 'to survive' on 'but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments'. WRONG. The maintenance payments are an essential part of your budget, just as much as food/clothes/housing for your own children. Cut back on something else.

Tidey · 15/10/2008 13:13

I agree with Penthesileia to a certain extent, but surely most people don't spend £400 a month on each of their children?

BlingLovin · 15/10/2008 13:13

YABU. He doesn't get to choose if he pays for her or not. I'm surprised you think he can. It's not easy for either of you, but you knew what you were getting into . he should work part time and, if necessary, you negotiate a lower maintenance payment for SD - to reflect that you also have less money to spend on your DCs.

I note she's SD. Not DSD.

FioFio · 15/10/2008 13:13

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BlingLovin · 15/10/2008 13:15

Sorry - that last comment was a bit harsh and unnecssary on my part.

I had a couple of friends in this kind of situation when I was younger, and it was always awful for them. I don't see how you can do this without intrinsically causing harm to SD.

PoppyCoc · 15/10/2008 13:15

But a word of advice - CSA ARE C*NTS.

Avoid them at all costs if you can

Simplysally · 15/10/2008 13:15

Were you planning on discussing this with the ex-w/sd or making it a fait accompli to stop payments? you might be able to work out an amount between you all that "you" (regardless of earns the money) as the second family make to the first family rather than cutting off support entirely. The first wife might be struggling or at risk of losing her job so who would look after your sd financially in that case?

FAQ · 15/10/2008 13:15

£400 a month!!

either your DH is on a very good wage....or you're currently paying much more than the CSA would calculate you should pay.....

I would definitely talk to the SD's stepmother and try to agree a compromise - my exH's CSA calculations have just been worked out - he's on a fairly decent wage, has the DS's 52 nights a year, and has 3 children he has to support - and has to pay £49 a week.....so about £16 a week per child....

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a NRP paying a lot more than the CSA says is the "required" amount, but if she were to go through the CSA she would be given a much lower amount of money - so a compromise could well be in her favour. IMO

edam · 15/10/2008 13:15

I'd go for the secure job, too, but I wouldn't dream of stopping maintenance. It's a fiddle.

CarGirl · 15/10/2008 13:16

I think you should look at the CSA and if you would no longer have to pay then as suggested make a token gesture payment with the ackowldegement that you hope to be able to increase it in the future. Perhaps if your DH is going to a SAHD he will be able to help out with is dd1 one more, after school - giving lifts having her in the holidays etc.

Penthesileia · 15/10/2008 13:17

Agreed, Tidey. But it should be as close as possible, IMO, otherwise there wiil be resentment.

nooka · 15/10/2008 13:17

I think that you get it recalculated, and offer childcare support as well. I don't think that you have much choice about your work options, and yes if the SDs mum is in a better financial situation than you that is relevant. Your dh cannot stop supporting his daughter though, unless her mum is OK with him "taking a holiday" as it were (like mortgage payments IYSWIM)

FioFio · 15/10/2008 13:17

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stoppinattwo · 15/10/2008 13:18

PMB....Situations change, and it looks like your situation is changing.

You need to be as fair as you can be and ask the CSA to make a judgement and stick by it...that way nobody has the opportunity to say that your DP is ignoring his responsiblities...I have been where you are now, I have 3Dss's and the CSA took my salary into consideration (that was some time ago mind)

I dont think for one second that you are not considering your DP's responsibilities, it is a tough call good luck

Overmydeadbody · 15/10/2008 13:19

Ok, you obviously need to lower payments, but not stop them altogether.

Work out what is left after the main bills. Divide this by three. DSD gets a third. That's fair.

All of you have to cut back, including expenditure on your own kids, not just on DSD.