Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 ··· 18 19

Original poster

in stopping stepdaughters maintenance payments?

470 replies

postmanbob · 15/10/2008 12:49

namechanged as don't want to be recognised.

DH has a DD(11) from previous relationship and we have 2 DC together, both pre-school age. We have a good relationship with SD and regular contact. My DH has paid maintenance every month without fail since the relationship broke up when SD was still a baby. We met a couple of years after that. Maintenance was agreed between them both and has not been an issue until now.

DH is in the construction industry and we have been hit hard this last year, his job is hanging on a wire and they have been as much as told to take it week by week.

I work very very p/t and my department have had trouble recruiting for a f/t job recently. Anyway, I spoketo my manager, they interviewed me and I have been offered the post. This means my DH will give his notice so he can care for our children. My new job is secure (NHS). The salary will be less than DH and mine but it is secure and we can survive on it.....but we will be unable to make the maintenance payments.

Does this sound dreadful or understandable? We are both very torn on what to do and I have to accept/ decline by Friday. I should add that it will not cause his ex finacial hardship......but I'm sure she will make a big fuss.

OP posts:

izyboy · 15/10/2008 19:35

How else would you like it to be worded Juliette?

malaka · 15/10/2008 19:39

I agree with nooooonki. I don't think anyone is saying that the second family should be 2nd class citizens are they? But that all children are equal. And being resentful because your ex has children from a previous relationship that he has to contribute to financially is vile.

nooka · 15/10/2008 19:40

But the relationship between the SD's parents foundered a very long time ago (I am assuming over 10 years ago as the OP says the SD was a baby). If the SD lives with her mum, and visits frequently then the second family's house probably isn't what she considers her home is it? When I separated from my dh the children lived half with me and half with me. Both houses were their homes. If they had lived with me (or dh) and visited dh (or me) then they would have had one home, and one place to visit wouldn't they?

Juliette108 · 15/10/2008 19:42

I don't know. Sos. Not very helpful I know. It is good that there have been useful posts. Mine a little emotive. Sos.

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 15/10/2008 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izyboy · 15/10/2008 19:46

That's ok Jul these things are emotive, as you can see from other posts!

izyboy · 15/10/2008 19:49

At the end of the day Kerry surely you can see that £400 per month is en unfair amount to be paying out from a £20k salary?

Libra1975 · 15/10/2008 19:49

An 11 year old hormonal girl shouldn't know what financial arrangements are in place if the father and mother are on civil terms.

nooOOOoonki · 15/10/2008 19:51

I think Juliette is upset by the 'our' not including the SD.

and you have a point, but I bet that SD refers to her mum's house as her home and her Dad's house as her Dad's house.

TheHedgeWitch · 15/10/2008 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

izyboy · 15/10/2008 19:55

HW Well yes but it seems they want to right by the SD aswell.

BrownSuga · 15/10/2008 20:03

FFS, I was a stepchild too. I didn't see my father from age 2-26 (my mothers doing) and he didn't pay one jot of maintenance. I was still able to have a relationship with him as an adult, and with my halfsiblings also. I couldn't give a crap that he didn't pay any money for my upkeep. My mother worked and supported us as she should (you know every child has 2 parents), and my stepdad also supported us as well as his other 2 children. I haven't ended up bitter and twisted just because my father didn't write us cheques.

PMB, it sounds like you have come to a reasonable, logical decision, I hope it all works out well for and your family.

TinkerBellesMum · 15/10/2008 20:03

If the girl knows what the money situation is and is hurt that's because someone has told her something they shouldn't have. I hope the mother isn't that vindictive.

Can I just point out that the "resent" comment that was C&P'd was done out of context and the person who said it was not saying they would be resentful of paying money to their exes child.

Sometimes I really wish people would read posts for themselves and not just a snippet someone decided to post half of.

AbbeyA · 15/10/2008 20:46

I don't see any need for the DD to know the money situation.

KatieDD · 15/10/2008 20:59

If the law says that your DH has to pay £5.00 out of any benefits then that should be paid, I don't think you should have to pay anything towards a child which when all said and done is not your responsibility, it's up to the mother of this child to support her and your DH not you.

LittleDorrit · 15/10/2008 21:08

I shouldn't really read these sorts of threads, as they upset me so much...

What a lot of people fail to understand is that in this kind of situation the father is able to stop working simply because his new partner is working. So in effect he DOES actually have an income, doesn't he? He is not living on nothing ! So maintenance payments SHOULD come out of this new partner's income. If she is not prepared to contribute, then he needs to get a job just to support the child he had with his previous partner !!!!!

Quattrocento · 15/10/2008 21:10

I agree with Little Dorrit. I don't like it when parents walk away from their obligations just because they can. Yuck.

Surfermum · 15/10/2008 21:21

No-one is walking away from anything, and he isn't choosing to stop work because she is working - they are having to rearrange who is the breadwinner to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table.

They have been paying twice as much as the CSA would assess them at for years without complaint.

Cut them some slack. They are not the bad guys in all this.

mummytowillow · 15/10/2008 21:25

YABU I'm afraid, I'm a stepmum to two boys and I wouldn't dream of stopping the payments even if we were struggling?

Can you not negotiate lower payments to her until your in a better position, much better than stopping them?

nooOOOoonki · 15/10/2008 21:26

katieDD I disagree hugely
If you enter a relationship where someone has a child you have a responsibility to that child.

When I met DH he had a child that he quite rightly put above our relationship, had I not decided to accept that his son was more important than our relationship he wouldnt have stayed with me.

But I put his son above our relationship too, hence we are together.

Now in our relationship our money is joint, so if DH wants to give money to DS (over and above maintence) we discuss and agree, as we do for the children we have together.

If DH lost his job and I got one I would then pay maintence payments.I would twist the law around to our advantage.

If neither of us had a job fair enough fiver it is.

KatieDD · 15/10/2008 21:31

This is why I purposely avoided men with children from previously relationships there was no way in hell I was going out to work to pay for a child whom I had no say in being brought into the world, had no say really in parenting and would probably hate me.
I do admire you though.

expatinscotland · 15/10/2008 21:35

another reason i ran a mile in the opposite direction from a man the second he confessed he had kids when i was single.

because such a one should always be viewed as the package deal they are.

a man who is willing to put a new partner above his own kid isn't worth having anyhow, IMO.

nooOOOoonki · 15/10/2008 21:35

KAtieDD - that's fair enough then, but life doesn't always work out like you plan !

FAQ · 15/10/2008 21:38

god Katie I hope that you never find yourself a single parent - looking for someone new.....as if men took the attitude that you have

"there was no way in hell I was going out to work to pay for a child whom I had no say in being brought into the world, had no say really in parenting and would probably hate me." you'd have a very limited chose of men......

KatieDD · 15/10/2008 21:39

That's true, but as ex pat said i'd have run a mile at the first mention of kids, i am number one in DH's life and couldn't/wouldn't have it any other way.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 ··· 18 19