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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents expecting dd to stay over

55 replies

charleysangel · 14/10/2008 17:42

Recently had confrontation with PILs about age my dd to stay over with them. Apparently they expect that five is a reasonable age, however as they live 150 miles away I feel that this is probably too young particularly as daughter wakes most nights (she is currently four) and comes in bed with us and also they have only ever babysat for us the once. I feel that dropping her off for a week is not fair on dd, as much as she enjoys seeing them I feel that until she is older (approx 7ish) and is happy to not have her parents around then really they shouldnt expect otherwise - as though it is a grandparenting right?
Although I am being made to feel that I am penalizing them for living a distance away

OP posts:
branflake81 · 14/10/2008 17:43

I think YABU. I do think 5 is old enough and I think you should let her go.

Saturn74 · 14/10/2008 17:45

You know your DD best.
Could PILs come and stay with you, then you can go out a lot, and let the PILs look after DD?

WorzselMummage · 14/10/2008 17:45

I do think 5 is old enough really. My parents live 80 odd miles away and dd's been staying there for weekends since she was a baby ( she's almost 4 now).

I don't think its a 'grandparents right' as such but i know in our case that dd loves it, my parents love it and to be honest i love having a break too.

deanychip · 14/10/2008 17:45

i agree with you totally.
I think that its too young and i would not be comfortable with this, nor do i think that my child would be happy bieng away from us for any more than one night.

This is not about you nor the PIl, its about what is right for your child. Nor is this anything to do with whos right or wrong, its about your childs happiness and comfort.

If you feel very strongly about it then you must say.

what does your dh say about it?

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 14/10/2008 17:46

yadnbu

1 week with them and they have had her alone once?

bubblagirl · 14/10/2008 17:46

best memories i have was at this age staying at my nan and grandads for the night having cuddles take advantage of the offer and have fun your dd will love it

Takver · 14/10/2008 17:46

Has she stayed over with them with you there? We are in similar situation, but do go & stay with both sets of grandparents fairly regularly. We first left DD with gps just for a night when she was about 4 - we took the opportunity for a night away just the two of us Before that we had gone off to the pub a couple of times leaving gps to put dd to bed, so she was used to the idea of them doing the bedtime routine.
TBH we were thrilled to bits to have the opportunity as DD was also a regular waker, and so a night away and a morning sleep in was lovely .. . I still wouldn't leave DD with gps for more than 3 or 4 days now though (she's 6), but that is more down to them being quite elderly and getting worn out by her.

mabanana · 14/10/2008 17:47

does your dd want to go? I bet she'd be homesick. Mind you if my five year old was still waking most nights and wanting to sleep with me, I'd walk the 150 miles to take her there!

WorzselMummage · 14/10/2008 17:48

I used to go to my dads parents for a week at abut 7 with my brother who was 2 years younger and it was the only week in the year we ever saw them... we loved it !

WorzselMummage · 14/10/2008 17:48

I used to go to my dads parents for a week at abut 7 with my brother who was 2 years younger and it was the only week in the year we ever saw them... we loved it !

cantpickyourfamily · 14/10/2008 17:48

I think as her mother it is up to you not her grand parents and if dd is waking up every night I can fully understand you not wanting her to stay anywhere other than with you for a whole week. Let alone so far away.

And if they live so far away dd cannot really be too used to them so would be unfair for you to put her in a situation just to keep family members happy.

WigWamBam · 14/10/2008 17:48

What age we all consider old enough is irrelevant. This is about you making choices about your child, and not letting other people force you into something which they want but you don't.

Your child, your decision.

combustiblelemon · 14/10/2008 17:51

It sounds like you're talking about them wanting her o stay for a week rather than a night, so I don't think you're being unreasonable. That would be a big shock for you and her if she's not used to being away from you at night.

Having them babysit for you again might be a compromise. You might feel more confident after they've looked after your DD for a night in your home- while you stay with friends for a night- where everything is familiar and she's less likely to be unsettled. After that you could talk about her going to visit them for a night or two and build from there.

Sycamoretree · 14/10/2008 17:55

I can see why it's an issue. Although I think she will probably be ok, and that 5 is old enough (of course, all DC's are different), it's as important that you are ok with it. If you're not, then it's ok for you to offer some kind of compromise. Can't you do a one or two night trial? Look at it this way, you can speak to her and she will say if she wants to come home, won't she?

Sycamoretree · 14/10/2008 17:57

What a comprehensively garbled post. I do apologise

nooka · 14/10/2008 17:58

It is entirely up to you. My parents looked after ds for a week when he was one, and I aim to have the children stay with them for about a week or so every year. But they have never stayed with my FIL and partner. They are eight and nine.

This is mainly because my parents clearly want to have the children to stay with them, and I know they won't be around forever. Also my parents (broadly) have similar parenting styles to me, and they have a great house in the country where the children are very happy. I also stay there with the children quite a bit, so I have a good idea what they will do there, and know that they will have fun. My in laws however seem very uncomfortable with the children, and so we don't see them very often (a couple of days a year). I suspect if my MI hadn't died before the children were born it would have been very different.

I think that you probably need to stay with your ILs and/or have them stay with you so that you can get a feel for how happy your dd would be with them, and how well they would cope. I can understand that they may feel very sad that they don't get to see her very much.

mrsruffallo · 14/10/2008 17:58

I agree with Sycamore Tree, 3 days would be plenty for the first time.
Not garbled at all ST

loobeylou · 14/10/2008 17:59

YANBU

IMO a week is too long for a 5 yo's first sleepover and the distance is too far

my dd tried to stay away from home overnight at grandparents when she was 5.5, the night AFTER her big sister 7 had stayed (they only live 11 miles away and we see them everyweek/they babysit regularly). but after several phonecalls to say good night dd finally admitted to wanting to come back home, and she is a very mature, outgoing & confident child who had been looking forward to the big adventure for weeks!!

DH went to fetch her and took her back there next day for her day with nanny all to herself then we all went for dinner that evening and brought her home as planned

150 miles is too far to be away from your 5 yo in my opinion

my parents live 250 miles away and I would not let my dd who is now 8 stay away that far for a week

kingprawntikka · 14/10/2008 17:59

At the end of the day she is your child not a toy to be passed around. I have two high school age children. All their grandparents live a distance away.My daughter has often stayed with one set for 3 or 4 days since she was about six. My son has never stayed with any of them because he didn't want to. He is the eldest . I have always been happy for them to stay with either set and as soon as my daughter asked if she could go stay i arranged it. I think you should ask your daughter how she feels about it.

wannaBe · 14/10/2008 18:01

your child, your decision.

Fwiw although my ds loves his grandparents (who also live approx 150 miles away) there's no way he would want to go and stay with them for a week without me/dh (he will be 6 in November).

There shouldn't have to be this rule about when you stay where and for how long etc, every child and evry parent is individual, and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

kingprawntikka · 14/10/2008 18:05

Thats what i was trying to say wannaBe .My son has never been one for sleepovers, even with his friends , my daughter loves them . Although my son will go off on foreign holidays for a week at a time with school..!?

AbbeyA · 14/10/2008 18:06

Your DD is old enough to ask her opinion. I think 5 is plenty old enough to stay with grandparents, I started mine much younger as it is lovely for them to develop a relationship without you around. However I would start with a weekend. Take advantage of it. You and DH could have a couple of nights near by on your own and then you would be near for emergencies. You can gradually build up to a week over the next couple of years.

Pruners · 14/10/2008 18:10

Message withdrawn

ilovemyghds · 14/10/2008 18:15

Think it also depends how well your DD knows their house. My just turned 4 year old has stayed a few weekends in the last year or so with my parents. They don't live really close by but he sees them about once a fortnight as they visit when they can, so knows them really well. We have also stayed at my parents a couple of times a year as a family so he was familiar with sleeping there.

I don't know if I would want him away for a week - though that is just me...and for no other reason than I would miss him (and I think he would miss me by then - a weekend is not enough for him to start missing me properly!).

MmeTussaudsChmberOfChocHobnobs · 14/10/2008 18:22

We have let our DCs stay with their GP often, and from a reasonably young age. They have never lived in the same country as us and we have taken advantage of our visits to get away for a day or two.

Saying that, one thing that concerns me is that they have only babysat for you once in 4years. They really should spend some more time with your DD alone before they think about having her to stay overnight.

Could you suggest that they start to see DD regularly during the day, moving up to a night away then staying for several days?