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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents expecting dd to stay over

55 replies

charleysangel · 14/10/2008 17:42

Recently had confrontation with PILs about age my dd to stay over with them. Apparently they expect that five is a reasonable age, however as they live 150 miles away I feel that this is probably too young particularly as daughter wakes most nights (she is currently four) and comes in bed with us and also they have only ever babysat for us the once. I feel that dropping her off for a week is not fair on dd, as much as she enjoys seeing them I feel that until she is older (approx 7ish) and is happy to not have her parents around then really they shouldnt expect otherwise - as though it is a grandparenting right?
Although I am being made to feel that I am penalizing them for living a distance away

OP posts:
bluemousemummy · 14/10/2008 18:28

I wouldn't send my ds away for a week at that age, a night or two MAYBE but only if he really wants to, not because PILs wanted him to. If he doesn't want to I would ask him why and take it from there.

Twelvelegs · 14/10/2008 18:29

It's up to you 100%.

luckylady74 · 14/10/2008 18:37

I would and I did at the same age myself, but my circumstances sound very different - frequent visits and babysitting.
I would be very honest and say you're worried about the night waking and it's a big leap from nothing to a week.
Then compromise - can they first look after in your house for a night.
Then perhaps if you offered to drive her half way and meet them - she could start off for a night.
All of this is if your dd is keen - my ds2 is mad keen on wanting to dothis, but at 3 I've said no for the moment - my dd says very clearly 'no I want to stay with you and see nana with you mummy' - she is 3 also.

TinkerBellesMum · 14/10/2008 18:45

Tink is away in Malta at the moment with my parents and sister, she's 27 months. She spends a lot of time with them, either babysitting, visiting or we stay over so I'm happy that she is going to be OK with them. She's spent a couple of nights with her other grandparents, I wouldn't have let them take her although they've had her for a weekend in the caravan because she's not used to spending so long with them.

I think it's all relative (no pun intended) and if someone hasn't had much babysitting duty then a week is a long time, especially that far away as you couldn't just pick her up in the middle of the night.

RhinestoneCowghoul · 14/10/2008 18:52

A week is quite a long time, especially if this is the first time she has stayed with them alone. The fact taht the PILs have only babysat for you once too...

I think I stayed with my gran at around 3 yrs old (and I am my mother's first child) but this was only for a few nights and I was desperate to go, felt really grown-up and was spoilt rotten.

Ultimately it should be up to you.

AbbeyA · 14/10/2008 19:17

A compromise might be to have them babysit in your house for a couple of nights while you go away and leave them to it. My PIL used to do that and it was great. I should make the most of it while they are fit and able. My DS1 used to stay with both lots often but sadly ill health had struck by the time DS3 came along and I really think he missed out.

WinkyWinkola · 14/10/2008 19:24

It's totally up to you and your DD. Nobody else.

For me a week is too much! One night would be plenty.

And I would prefer it not to be too far away. I only say this because my PIL are utterly hopeless panickers in an emergency!

Olihan · 14/10/2008 19:40

My dcs go to my mum's (130 miles away) for 3-4 days every summer holiday. Ds1 was 8mo the first time he went, dd was 10mo and ds2 was 19mo (he was still bfing the year when he was 7mo so the other 2 went without him). I love having the time just with dh and a rest from the endless work that 3 dcs under 5 cause. They have a blast, my mum enjoys having them and they talk about what they did for weeks afterwards. They see her once every 8-9 weeks for the rest of the year so she makes sure she comes up close to when they're going to see her.

Personally, I think it does children good to apend some time away from home and to spend time with their gps without mum and dad there. I suspect the longer you leave it, the harder it will be when you do finally go for it.

I agree that a week is too long - could you compromise with a weekend (maybe just over Sat night) to start with?

Dropdeadfred · 14/10/2008 19:43

it's not a right whatever the age of your children

it's completely your choice

lauraloola · 14/10/2008 20:21

YANBU - Its up to you. My parents keep going on and on about it and dd is 4mo!! And they only want her for the night - Not sure why its such a big deal for them.

WinkyWinkola · 14/10/2008 22:49

You know, i do wonder sometimes why it's all such a big deal for grandparents. I know that I wish my PIL would just back off a bit.

saffiw · 14/10/2008 22:57

I would and did let my two stay with my parents for a week. I also went to stay with my mam's parents for a week once a year from the age of three.
Life is about experiences, even if she is only 5 let her go and have the experience without you, you can always go and pick her up if she needs you.

LunarSea · 14/10/2008 23:24

ds1 started staying with grandparents (150 miles away) at 5. Admittedly not for a whole week at first, just 3 days to start with, working up to 10 days this year at 7. It's been fine - although he does need to be retrained to go to bed when he's told to every time he comes home from there!

twentypence · 14/10/2008 23:30

So basically it would be involve someone driving the best part of 600 miles?

Doesn't seem worth it unless your dd is super keen.

MinkyBorage · 14/10/2008 23:32

yanbu! It's up to you. I won't when dd's5, pretty certain of that

Flum · 14/10/2008 23:33

Unless you have a reason not to trust them I think you are being unreasonable. Memories are made of long holidays with Grannies. They are my earliest memories.

Change is good for kids. I think you are slightly molly coddling your dd. Do you not really get on with them?

paddingtonbear1 · 14/10/2008 23:42

at the end of the day it's up to you, you know your dd.
My PILs live 3 hrs drive away and dd (5) has been to stay with them twice this year, for 5 days each time - once at Easter and again in August. She loved it, both times - they did loads of stuff with her. SIL lives down there too and stayed over once.
dh and I had a good time too, once we knew she was OK The first week she did get in bed with them, they didn't mind luckily!
each child is different, though - go with what feels right. dd doesn't stay with my dad, he comes to stay here as he lives a bit closer.

EstherGreenwood · 14/10/2008 23:43

Chicken casserole is always a good standby. But make sure you put it on a low heat for several hours.
And no celery

cat64 · 14/10/2008 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cory · 15/10/2008 00:02

I'd say it was about how your dd felt and how well she knows her grandparents. Mine would probably have been fine at that age, because really close to their GPs. Don't think there is an age when they are too young as such- it's more about if you think of GPs as almost part of the smaller family circle, or as comparative strangers.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/10/2008 00:11

My initial reaction is that YANBU. My MIL llives a good distance away and hasn't had as much contact with the kids as say my dad, and there is no way I would send my dd (5 at New Year) away there for a week.

I also remember being desperate to stay with my auntie who lived about 20 miles away when I was a kid about this age. I was allowed, then had a nightmare, and my aunt (who had 3 older kids of her own) ended up phoning my dad to come and get me at 2am- not a very nice experience for any of us! I'd say go with your gut. No reason why she can't visit your ILs without staying a week, is there?

nooka · 15/10/2008 00:16

What a fab miss post. I love non sequeteurs

AbbeyA · 15/10/2008 08:17

'it's not a right whatever the age of your children

it's completely your choice'

I was surprised by this comment-surely your DCs choice comes into it?
Are you saying that even if they are 10yrs old and want to go, and the grandparents want to have them then you are the only person whose views count? My DS was desperate to stay with his Grandma on his own when he was 6 because his older brother had stayed on his own. It builds up lovely memories in later years.
I think that if they stay with grandparents at the age of 5 then they are ready to go on a Brownie camp etc when the time comes.

MadameCastafiore · 15/10/2008 08:24

We are off to New York for 5 days in a few weeks and the DCs are with their grandparents - they love it - iunidvided attention from new people - it gives us a break and makes them feel quite grown up.

It does sound as though you are cosseting her a little - maybe she will come back and sleep all night and not get into your bed which as far as my kids go I think is a little strange at 5 yrs!

kslatts · 15/10/2008 08:33

My dd's stay with their grandparents and always have a great time. Last year my parents took my dd's to stay with DH's parents in Irelannd for a week, they both had a fantastic time and dd2 was only 5. But, it's your child and only you can decide, YANBU. What does you DH think?

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